on tieing up loose ends

[westwithenight]

Today has been very sureal. I couldn't sleep, partially because I drank last night which always wakes me up early from stored up sugar and partly because my ex, the first love of my life, was restlessly sleeping next to me after having told me last night he had feelings for my best friend. Complicated you say? Not entirely we have been broken up for years but it lead to a conversation I had been avoiding about there being absolutley, posistively no hope for us. He shut down his feelings for me long ago and is now purely plutonic, it didn't hurt as much as I expected . I think the only reason I heald on to any secret shread of hope was it was holdingto part of my past I didn't want to let go of yet. Done is done and I am breathing easyer. So one lover is with an amazing woman and totaly happy, one I have completely lost all apetite for and that is for he beter and on has lost the same in me. So I have one left in Savannah to ome to some closure with and then thats it, the romantic safety nets of ego bulstering, mutual attraction, child hood hopeless romantacism will all have been desolved. And I am more alone now then I have ever been in my life on every level...and it's ok, actualy it's kind of relaxing.

Funny enough my mom has really been my sounding board for all of this. I took her forgranted for so long because...well she's my mom...but I forgot that she is also an incredibly beautiful, inteligent, compassionate and loyal friend who knows me better then I know myself some times.

I leave for Colorado at 8 tomorrow morning and I am really excited I can't wait to go some where new.