I have feet
I have feet that can dance, I have a voice that can sing, I have a body that thrives on movement, I have a heart that has known incredible depth, I have a eyes that see beauty everyday, I have the love of so many good people. I have this aching that says I should do more, that I am not worthy of the abundance in my life. When left unattended it turns inward into a hunger and despair that cycles back on itself and squeezes my lungs and I forget how to breath. Every time I feel I don't have enough, that I don't have the love from one person completely or the strength to look at another day, I think about everything I have. I want to turn the blessings in my life to strength not a crush of guilt that I will never be able to do enough to honor my life.
I am afraid my heart has become so stiff from lack of stretching, I feel safe in my solitude. I emulate every woman who has come before me that had the guts to travel without fear. To meet and speak to anyone freely. I want so desperately to know to the center of my very core that I am worthy to know, that when I approach someone we will both enjoy the exchange. That if I offer myself into something that I will do good, that it or they will be better for my giving. I want unconditional love for myself so I can offer it more completely. I feel incredibly guilty for not having a life story to justify my serious self doubt, I have been given every advantage and I am acutely aware of it. When people talk about privilege I so desperately don't want to be associated with blindness and prejudice that can come hand in hand with that. Every time I feel tired and week I feel like I don't deserve too have those feelings and to some extent that's true.
For weeks or possibly years I have been waiting for some outside source to explain to me what the fuck I am doing here and lord don't I know how not alone in that I am. I would like to write it off to my generation. I would like to write it off to the inherent apathy of a post McCarthy society terrified of it's own shadow but generalizations are incredibly useless at the end of the day. I would like to express how much of my life gets sucked into just trying to keep a fucking roof over my head yet what is the point in indulging in the feelings of how hard this all is when it is all just Forrest for the Trees.
I feel like the path to knowing what the fuck I want to do is based in the statement that all entrepreneurs know so well "find a need in society that is not being fulfilled and figure out how to fill it" (also make a profit) which in it's nature gets contradictory in my brain. Even more over arching then my clash of ideals on money and service is the complete and over arching crush of so many needs. Since I left college the prospect of all the aspects of the world that I would effect if I could, causes my breath to stop and my heart to want to beat out of my chest. It turns into a swirling mass of noise that I shut out with stupid TV, interpersonal drama of the most boring nature and day dreaming about would, should and coulds. Even writing this all I can think is dear god you are a sad little creature.
One of my dearest friends in the last week has been challenging every part of me in this regard and rather then hugging her I have wanted to lash out. She is hitting so close to my deepest vulnerability's that I want to get mad I went to tell her she is full of crap and wrong, She is not. I have in the past had the strength when confronted with someone who is able to do this to me, to hear it and accept and grow from it. Though now that I actually run those historical snap shots in my head I remember that I think I wanted hit something back then too. Maybe the fighting instinct is useful and what I am missing.
In writing those words "I am missing" I am reminded of one of the a fore mentioned conversations from this week, that we have everything we need all the time to change the world. Maybe just the act of honor and being present in this amazing/messy world is a lot to ask and deserves some honoring for anyone who is willing to try. I have come up with a hundred excuses as to why I didn't experiment more with drugs in my life and it really only comes down to the fact that I have no delusions as to how deeply rooted to this reality I am. I honor that there are other realities and I don't judge any other persons travels but I even in my darkest multiple day marathons of Scrubs that as far from reality that I have ever desired to get. Even on the most physical level I have never been a high jumper from the ground. I find now that I am running it is almost hilarious how little my feet want to get away from the ground. Some of this comes from just being out of shape but I have an amazing amount of muscle that has nothing to do with levity.
I am afraid my heart has become so stiff from lack of stretching, I feel safe in my solitude. I emulate every woman who has come before me that had the guts to travel without fear. To meet and speak to anyone freely. I want so desperately to know to the center of my very core that I am worthy to know, that when I approach someone we will both enjoy the exchange. That if I offer myself into something that I will do good, that it or they will be better for my giving. I want unconditional love for myself so I can offer it more completely. I feel incredibly guilty for not having a life story to justify my serious self doubt, I have been given every advantage and I am acutely aware of it. When people talk about privilege I so desperately don't want to be associated with blindness and prejudice that can come hand in hand with that. Every time I feel tired and week I feel like I don't deserve too have those feelings and to some extent that's true.
For weeks or possibly years I have been waiting for some outside source to explain to me what the fuck I am doing here and lord don't I know how not alone in that I am. I would like to write it off to my generation. I would like to write it off to the inherent apathy of a post McCarthy society terrified of it's own shadow but generalizations are incredibly useless at the end of the day. I would like to express how much of my life gets sucked into just trying to keep a fucking roof over my head yet what is the point in indulging in the feelings of how hard this all is when it is all just Forrest for the Trees.
I feel like the path to knowing what the fuck I want to do is based in the statement that all entrepreneurs know so well "find a need in society that is not being fulfilled and figure out how to fill it" (also make a profit) which in it's nature gets contradictory in my brain. Even more over arching then my clash of ideals on money and service is the complete and over arching crush of so many needs. Since I left college the prospect of all the aspects of the world that I would effect if I could, causes my breath to stop and my heart to want to beat out of my chest. It turns into a swirling mass of noise that I shut out with stupid TV, interpersonal drama of the most boring nature and day dreaming about would, should and coulds. Even writing this all I can think is dear god you are a sad little creature.
One of my dearest friends in the last week has been challenging every part of me in this regard and rather then hugging her I have wanted to lash out. She is hitting so close to my deepest vulnerability's that I want to get mad I went to tell her she is full of crap and wrong, She is not. I have in the past had the strength when confronted with someone who is able to do this to me, to hear it and accept and grow from it. Though now that I actually run those historical snap shots in my head I remember that I think I wanted hit something back then too. Maybe the fighting instinct is useful and what I am missing.
In writing those words "I am missing" I am reminded of one of the a fore mentioned conversations from this week, that we have everything we need all the time to change the world. Maybe just the act of honor and being present in this amazing/messy world is a lot to ask and deserves some honoring for anyone who is willing to try. I have come up with a hundred excuses as to why I didn't experiment more with drugs in my life and it really only comes down to the fact that I have no delusions as to how deeply rooted to this reality I am. I honor that there are other realities and I don't judge any other persons travels but I even in my darkest multiple day marathons of Scrubs that as far from reality that I have ever desired to get. Even on the most physical level I have never been a high jumper from the ground. I find now that I am running it is almost hilarious how little my feet want to get away from the ground. Some of this comes from just being out of shape but I have an amazing amount of muscle that has nothing to do with levity.