Sneaky Demons
It is a constant surprise to me how easily I can be thrown off my tracks. How sneaking suspicions of a lack of self worth and lack of focus or value can so easily disassemble me. I have many mantras that should keep me out of these dark spirals "be of service" "Live in the light" "we are all human" and some such but sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes the devil wins and things just feel like they suck and it sounds spoiled to say but comparing my situation to others who are less fortunate doesn't seem to help as I am not them and for the moment only know what it is to be me, and maybe that's just it. I am responding in feeling of rage to a number of situations and the only through line to them all I can see is they are situations in which I am found to be lacking or to have fucked up. Weather the mistake was on my part or a middle man I take it personally, probably because I pride myself on being someone who gets things done, who makes very difficult things look easy, so when the very easy things go screwy I don't know where to turn. I also must have far to much energy on my hands right now as I don't usually filter this much into things that are comparatively small. This also just happens at times, I wish it didn't I wish I were a bigger person then resorting to childhood feelings of rage and impotence and maybe someday I will but not yet it seems. Oh yes, this to shall pass, I have no fear of that but it is the wreckage and the cleaning thanks god spring is nearly here.