As requested by
luvlymish.
I don't really have a PHILOSOPHY on Monogamy. Any such thing would probably be pretentious and judgemental anyway. All I have is, really, a "why it works for me". And it boils down to selfishness and jealousy. And not necessarily in a bad way!
In a relationship, a serious relationship, I want to build my world around someone and have them build their world around me. I do want to be the number one priority in the other person's life, and I take pleasure in making the other person the number one priority in my life.
Of course, there will be other things in my life and in their life. Things which I will not be a part of, and they will not be a part of. And I think that's good, it's healthy. Despite all of the above, I think the people in a relationship need to be individuals in their own right, not just halves (or other fractions) of a whole. I think it makes the whole stronger if they are capable of standing alone, but choosing to stand together.
It does then seem almost illogical that, if you accept and affirm that the other person is The Person in your life, and vice versa, you exclude all other people in a romantic and sexual sense. I know that I do want someone to Build A Life With, and so I'm playing the long-term game, but equally I'm aware that monogamy is not the only road in that direction. Some of this is likely to just be cultural conditioning, though at the same time I don't think that I view any polyamorous relationships of my acquaintance as inherently less committed. I think it boils down, for me, to the idea that this one person isn't just one person whom I love and adore, they're one person who completes my life, who fulfils my emotional needs.
Even if I just said in the paragraph before that there will be and almost should be other sources of fulfilment. I think I draw strength from the idea that the other person is always the first port of call, even if all that port of call does is give a hug and some encouragement before letting you be packed off to go find the other emotional chocolate. And I draw strength from the idea that I will be that first port of call.
I think it would drive me crazy (and has) if the person I loved most in the world went to someone else first as a matter of regularity. Even if I knew I couldn't help them, or fix it. I'd want to be the sounding board, at the least, or the first provider of comfort. I think because that is my first instinct. I have friends who cater to my different emotional and intellectual needs (like a buffet of support), but 99.9% of the time, my first instinct is to go running to Luke. Even if I know he's not the best person to see me through X particular thing. I need him, at the least, to dust me off and nudge me along, even if that's all he can do in some circumstances.
And it would drive me fucking nuts if I thought I couldn't do the same for him, or if he thought I couldn't do the same, or just went to other people.
None of these attitudes preclude polyamory, at least in certain arrangements, I know. But it's a small hump of an obstacle, not insurmountable, but a little foundation for the wall.
The wall's name is jealousy and it is insecurity. I have a certain history of bad experiences, across multiple people, with these things. Of hearing assurances from someone's lips and getting contrary evidence. What's almost worst is that by my nature I hold my nose and power on through and choose to trust and I have been fucked in the past over it.
It makes it a little hard then to differentiate between paranoia and my brain genuinely trying to tell me something, when it comes to relationships. Worse, I never learnt to conquer jealousy. When confronted with it, I never learnt to make it sit down and shut the fuck up; all I ever managed to do was stay in one piece until circumstances changed (and the change was my environment, not me).
I won't go too deeply into these issues because that's not the point. Thing is, they're there. And I know they'd be there in a polyamorous relationship. I think I have a vicious streak of Want in me, and (at the risk of clumsily wading into describing dynamics of a form of relationship I only have passing observations of) I think I'd be in some serious danger.
I'd probably look for a hierarchy in the relationship even if it weren't there. Who lives together, who's been together the longest. Weirdly, I think I could cope if I viewed and accepted myself as some sort of 'less significant' (really, I should have put a disclaimer before this section as I really lack the terminology on this subject to avoid sounding like an arse) relationship in the hierarchy. While I don't work too badly if there are clear lines and people follow those lines, lower expectations would mean less paranoia and less disappointment. If someone I was living with and seeking to spend the rest of my life with was going off to see other people I think I would be constantly questioning myself, our relationship, and whether it's sufficiently fulfilling for them, whether I was failing or insufficient in some way. And I know that I would likely struggle to believe assurances.
You see what I mean about insecure? It's mostly about my past demons lying dormant, but they would rear their ugly heads in such a situation.
The last point is that I genuinely don't tend to have a lot, if any, interest in other people. I've never been inclined towards genuine interest in a wide range of people (I can play silly buggers with my own brain sometimes, but those are fleeting, self-destructive inclinations which have pretty much stopped). I don't generally deal in crushes, I never really did when I was single. I can go "Mm, pretty" (physically or emotionally or intellectually) at other people, but it rarely goes more than that. I fall rarely, but when I do, I fall hard.
So, if I'm happy in a relationship? I don't actually want anyone other than my partner, either Instead Of or As Well As. And I like my partner to feel the same way or else I go crazy in the face.
I've probably misspoken at some point in this; I don't feel I've explained it especially well, so by all means pester me to elaborate if I'm being unclear or talking out of my arse.