wait, what?
once, i was good. like, I had it. i was a little kid and i spun around in circles and i read history books and i loved looking up proper nouns (the ones you have to use caps for) in the dictionary. I was headed for greatness. I was on the path to becoming the most achieving child ever. And then, this one time, someone talked about me and it hurt, and I started caring.
I think I had a flat top and those aviator glasses with the wire bridge on the top.
...And that was looking over the cliff to the fall from greatness.
And then, I hit middle school and all the bullshit that happens with that. And it's like every day was me a little bit further from great. it became all about control. all about doing it all right...what happened to reading the dictionary? It's like the world got in...it's like every real-world shock taints you that much more from pure great.
Skip, though to high school.
I was getting it. I mean, I was content. I was a good kid, nothing got in the way of anything else, things seemed balanced...you know. Just enough mischief (yes, mischief...humboodling, if you will) and just enough "oh no...don't drink the sweet tea!" (just hit me- maybe that's why i love it so much now) to keep it straight. And then I went to France.
And woah
That began the real fall.
I started to question, to realize and to...you know, lose drive. And priorities changed, and dreams lessened, and the "pissed off dean of student affairs making jocks' lives miserable" dream changed to "gonna get into politics to change the world" to "gonna be a teacher to talk" to "gonna be a professor to be great."
And morals became malleable.
And then college hit. And it was this spiral of fast-forward laugh, chug, smoke, go go go!, ahh! and i got lost. and somewhere in this mass motion of people, things and states of mind I feel like I lost myself. ...if that makes sense.
like, I know who I am. But it's not who I was, but it still kinda is. But what happened to reading the dictionary? What happened to wanting a microscope for christmas? What happened to that good kid in me?
And sometimes, I see that ten year old kid I was, and I think of how he's ended up...and I'm not really dissapointed, and I'm kinda proud of him in some respects...but I feel like if he had just suffered through it, if he had just maintained that sheer drive, that hunger...that me that was before sex, or the idea of personal gain came into play.
That's what does it. It's all great before the idea of attaining comes into play. You do great at something when you love it, but once you do it for personal gain...or once you make a contract with this one skill to give you something in your life that you need, it starts to kinda suck.
And then you start having to gain things, to impress people, to use acceptance of others as a skill to get what you want. And things get less pure, less "that other realm that human naure makes un-get-to-able."
Sex and agression and you and that's your motivation. And it's i want this, and this person has it and take it, and these are new motivations nad i do not know how to channel them in the best way to get what i want...i will use blind agression and i will find that that causes conflict, and i will eventually find that if i simply communicate that will lessen the conflict, and therefore increase my odds at getting what i want. and this is what society is for- is for channeling one's sex and agression. everything in the adult or post "shit my dick's hard for you"-stage's world is for expressing or sublimating one's agressive, sexual, and animal desires. go to work- get your food so you can survive.
anyway, so it sucks, and after the hormones hit, you no longer do things cause you want to do them from deep inside...you do them now so you can do something to further a much less dignified motivation.
i don't know where i was going. but yeah...that's what.
i'm really scared if i'm supposed to be an adult.
i still feel five on the inside.
i still feel him alive and kickin. and me at ten. and twelve. and eighteen. and they're all inside, and they're really actually not that different at the core. and i'm not now. and i'm supposed to be this adult. i'm supposed to be like...like, when i was a kid, i though adults were adults and kids were kids and they were completely different- like, adults were never kids and i was never going to be an adult. i was a kid, and would stay a kid forever, with mom and dad as constant adults and this childhood schtick was to be my life. but, now, i'm 21...i'm supposed to be this mythical creature in the eyes of another little kid...an adult, this whole mythical creature. i'm that. i think of all the respect and almost mysticism i had about adults when i was a kid...i mean, i kinda hope they weren't this clueless. i dunno...i'm being stupid i guess.
i'm going to stop writing now.
--tony.
I think I had a flat top and those aviator glasses with the wire bridge on the top.
...And that was looking over the cliff to the fall from greatness.
And then, I hit middle school and all the bullshit that happens with that. And it's like every day was me a little bit further from great. it became all about control. all about doing it all right...what happened to reading the dictionary? It's like the world got in...it's like every real-world shock taints you that much more from pure great.
Skip, though to high school.
I was getting it. I mean, I was content. I was a good kid, nothing got in the way of anything else, things seemed balanced...you know. Just enough mischief (yes, mischief...humboodling, if you will) and just enough "oh no...don't drink the sweet tea!" (just hit me- maybe that's why i love it so much now) to keep it straight. And then I went to France.
And woah
That began the real fall.
I started to question, to realize and to...you know, lose drive. And priorities changed, and dreams lessened, and the "pissed off dean of student affairs making jocks' lives miserable" dream changed to "gonna get into politics to change the world" to "gonna be a teacher to talk" to "gonna be a professor to be great."
And morals became malleable.
And then college hit. And it was this spiral of fast-forward laugh, chug, smoke, go go go!, ahh! and i got lost. and somewhere in this mass motion of people, things and states of mind I feel like I lost myself. ...if that makes sense.
like, I know who I am. But it's not who I was, but it still kinda is. But what happened to reading the dictionary? What happened to wanting a microscope for christmas? What happened to that good kid in me?
And sometimes, I see that ten year old kid I was, and I think of how he's ended up...and I'm not really dissapointed, and I'm kinda proud of him in some respects...but I feel like if he had just suffered through it, if he had just maintained that sheer drive, that hunger...that me that was before sex, or the idea of personal gain came into play.
That's what does it. It's all great before the idea of attaining comes into play. You do great at something when you love it, but once you do it for personal gain...or once you make a contract with this one skill to give you something in your life that you need, it starts to kinda suck.
And then you start having to gain things, to impress people, to use acceptance of others as a skill to get what you want. And things get less pure, less "that other realm that human naure makes un-get-to-able."
Sex and agression and you and that's your motivation. And it's i want this, and this person has it and take it, and these are new motivations nad i do not know how to channel them in the best way to get what i want...i will use blind agression and i will find that that causes conflict, and i will eventually find that if i simply communicate that will lessen the conflict, and therefore increase my odds at getting what i want. and this is what society is for- is for channeling one's sex and agression. everything in the adult or post "shit my dick's hard for you"-stage's world is for expressing or sublimating one's agressive, sexual, and animal desires. go to work- get your food so you can survive.
anyway, so it sucks, and after the hormones hit, you no longer do things cause you want to do them from deep inside...you do them now so you can do something to further a much less dignified motivation.
i don't know where i was going. but yeah...that's what.
i'm really scared if i'm supposed to be an adult.
i still feel five on the inside.
i still feel him alive and kickin. and me at ten. and twelve. and eighteen. and they're all inside, and they're really actually not that different at the core. and i'm not now. and i'm supposed to be this adult. i'm supposed to be like...like, when i was a kid, i though adults were adults and kids were kids and they were completely different- like, adults were never kids and i was never going to be an adult. i was a kid, and would stay a kid forever, with mom and dad as constant adults and this childhood schtick was to be my life. but, now, i'm 21...i'm supposed to be this mythical creature in the eyes of another little kid...an adult, this whole mythical creature. i'm that. i think of all the respect and almost mysticism i had about adults when i was a kid...i mean, i kinda hope they weren't this clueless. i dunno...i'm being stupid i guess.
i'm going to stop writing now.
--tony.