oh life...
tonydu16: i've been thinking lately
itsmichalthegirl: of what
tonydu16: like, is it cheating if you need something bigger than yourself to hold on to?
tonydu16: cause, i really don't think there is a god
tonydu16: but sometimes, i wish i could leave it to someone else instead of having to claim personal responsibility for everything that happens to me
itsmichalthegirl: what do you mean is it cheating
itsmichalthegirl: oh
tonydu16: like God to me is kinda displacement of responsibility
itsmichalthegirl: i mean i get how you come to that conclusion
tonydu16: like, saying there is a god who has to work on such a macro scale as human redemption...he probably doesn't care is suzy wins the sax contest or whatever
tonydu16: *if
itsmichalthegirl: but if you don't want to be completely responsible for yourself you don't want to right? i don't want to, but you also have like friends and family and what not that acts as that
itsmichalthegirl: or am i missing you completely
tonydu16: right...
tonydu16: but like the whole having a good time issue
tonydu16: if i could just leave it up to him
tonydu16: and have his will be bigger than mine
tonydu16: and say that if something doesn't go my way, it's going His and that's better for me
tonydu16: then it seems more comfortable
tonydu16: but then i feel like i'm cheating
itsmichalthegirl: but you're giving up your choices to get that comfort, so it's a fair trade you know?
itsmichalthegirl: you make your own decisions and get all the shit, or do that
tonydu16: ok
tonydu16: i get it
tonydu16: ...thanks
itsmichalthegirl: i mean that's how i would think of it
itsmichalthegirl: no problem
itsmichalthegirl: plus like when you hear about people following god to the max, they have to deal with a lot of bad crap in their lives. like job. i don't think you would say he was cheating
tonydu16: right...but, like, take a natural disaster victim or a close-family-death victim
tonydu16: they use god for continuity "i'll see him again" or for a reason "it's in his Will" (not like last will and testament)
tonydu16: whereas, if you don't have that...you're just like...what the fuck?! why?!!
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: so, i dunno...things i've been thinking about
itsmichalthegirl: yeah it's a really confusing/hard subject, at least for me
tonydu16: yeah
itsmichalthegirl: i hate religion, i wish it would just exist or not and not force you to try and figure it out cause the more you think about it the more impossible it is to understand
tonydu16: right1
tonydu16: !
itsmichalthegirl: and i feel like any side you can take ends up being blindsighted and wrong
tonydu16: cause it's so cold to be like "shit just happens..." you kinda feel like a square peg in a round hole
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: where you're put in a world where nothing's going to make sense, and you just kinda get hit by bullshit karmic asteroids
itsmichalthegirl: and like human life is a scientific accident and shit like that
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: see...i think the human life is a product of chemical circumstance is actually the most comforting
tonydu16: nothing to live up to
tonydu16: no purpose to achieve
tonydu16: you're just kinda here
itsmichalthegirl: but then why does everyone create and find purpose and meaning
itsmichalthegirl: and why does that make people so much happier than just vegging
tonydu16: because...we're reasonable...animals, i guess. everything has to fit into a pattern
itsmichalthegirl: i guess
tonydu16: thus science, math, and all other studies
itsmichalthegirl: fuck. existing is so depressing sometimes
tonydu16: and because...i blame the real happiness through more than vegging deal on the fact that we came from other animals who have to run and fight for food and the like...and they evolved with little things that make them happy when they do stuff. the monkey who gets high off running does it more (and is eaten less often) than the monkey who just sits there.
tonydu16: so, since we came from that, we have little reminants
itsmichalthegirl: but then, i open my japanese dictionary and the first word i find is irokichigai which means sex maniac and that's not so depressing anymore
itsmichalthegirl: but that still just sucks
tonydu16: what sucks?
itsmichalthegirl: being a scientific monkey running on dopamine and shit
tonydu16: my favorite thing about the world is when things don't make sense
tonydu16: like, are sickly appropriate
tonydu16: example:
tonydu16: remember those guys who were trapped in a WVa mine over break?
tonydu16: and the one guy survived
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: i think he just died
tonydu16: and i kinda did an internal victory dance when it happened
tonydu16: cause it's shit like that that reminds me that we're not here for any reason...that we all die, and that chaos has a sick wonderful sense of humor
tonydu16: it's like the marlboro man dying of cancer
tonydu16: it makes me subtly happy
itsmichalthegirl: i don't know, remember when we talked about like bad things and good things and everything, the bad ironic shit i don't is proving chaos, it's just a necesarry part of living
itsmichalthegirl: like you can't have christmas every day
itsmichalthegirl: and it makes people grow into who they are
tonydu16: right
tonydu16: but the main question i think is...is there any reason for growing into who you are?
tonydu16: like...does it really matter? is being a control freak just racing to get to the same red light as everyone else?
tonydu16: not even being a control freak...but just caring too much in general
itsmichalthegirl: because for whatever reason you get a chance to live and experience whatever you decide to
itsmichalthegirl: so why not exploit that to the fullest
tonydu16: yay for proactivity!
tonydu16: but like...let's say you were going to get a C in a class no matter what you did
tonydu16: would you do all the readings and turn in all the papers
itsmichalthegirl: i mean not even being successful and things like that, but just going out and experiencing as much of the world as you can while you can
tonydu16: right, i understood that
itsmichalthegirl: ok sorry
itsmichalthegirl: i don't know, i wouldn't do the work cause it wouldn't make me happy
tonydu16: i dunno...sometimes it feels like it all matters, sometimes it feels like it's all futile
itsmichalthegirl: i don't know. probably the person who's utilizing their life the best would do the work, unless they had something more fulfilling to do instead
itsmichalthegirl: yeah i know what you mean though
tonydu16: like...it all matters when everything's going well. but when something gets out of perfect balance, it all not mattering and being futile kinda seems more comfortable
itsmichalthegirl: but isn't it better to just assume that it matters? so what if you're caught up in a stupid human game, that's what makes us run/makes us happy anyways
itsmichalthegirl: okay
itsmichalthegirl: also i kind of like just taking the problems to, like just taking your beatings when then come, and feeling them as much as you can and then dealing
tonydu16: yeah...
tonydu16: i mean...i can do standard beatings. like heavy workload, or some isolated event
tonydu16: that's just a bump, whatever
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: i dunno...but some lifechanging deal....even if it's not lifechanging, but made into a romanticized pityparty...i just tell myself we're all racing to the same red light.
tonydu16: somehow or another, solutions reveal themselves
tonydu16: and you breathe
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
itsmichalthegirl: but solutions are also a product of your environment, the people around you supporting you, and the things you do to help yourself, or maybe it's god i don't know
tonydu16: i really don't know
tonydu16: but, like...maybe you're just so tired of it that you subconciously do something to fix it
itsmichalthegirl: but stuff does work out it seems, even when it doesn't
tonydu16: or maybe it's just luck
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
itsmichalthegirl: or maybe we just adapt to anything
tonydu16: or just probability...
tonydu16: what's that game when you spin the wheel, and there's the ball on it?
itsmichalthegirl: jess was telling me abou this girl that walked for 5 years to escape the holocaust and lived with wolves and stuff, i keep thinking about it during this conversation
tonydu16: wow
itsmichalthegirl: the casino game thing?
tonydu16: roulette, right?
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: see, here's my theory
itsmichalthegirl: okay
tonydu16: every moment is like a roll on the roulette wheel. anything can happen at any given time. that's why i love when i'm writing and the music or TV says the exact same word i'm writing. sheer luck, that's just what was produced at that moment for those two circumstances. so, keeping some sort of logic in mind (like natural laws, and the like)...one moment offers many possibilities. one of them one day is bound to be the solution to your problem
itsmichalthegirl: yeah that makes sense
itsmichalthegirl: but all of your actions and everyone else's actions all weigh into the probabilities
tonydu16: well, yeah
tonydu16: you can't not talk to anyone and expect to make friends
tonydu16: but, if you talk to enough people...
tonydu16: you're either bound to get a stange awkward reputation, or make a friend
itsmichalthegirl: you'll find someone
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: i'm just saying that as an exampl
tonydu16: e
itsmichalthegirl: okay
tonydu16: it goes with anything...if you lived with AIDS for fifty years, every day makes finding a cure that much more possible
itsmichalthegirl: which is why it doesn't make sense to worry about shit, cause you can't control it and yeah, there's a lot of people and stuff out there waiting to happen and it will
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: correct
itsmichalthegirl: well i agree with that, and it makes it easier to understand bad experiences
tonydu16: yay...
tonydu16: we do well together
itsmichalthegirl: hehe yeah
itsmichalthegirl: of what
tonydu16: like, is it cheating if you need something bigger than yourself to hold on to?
tonydu16: cause, i really don't think there is a god
tonydu16: but sometimes, i wish i could leave it to someone else instead of having to claim personal responsibility for everything that happens to me
itsmichalthegirl: what do you mean is it cheating
itsmichalthegirl: oh
tonydu16: like God to me is kinda displacement of responsibility
itsmichalthegirl: i mean i get how you come to that conclusion
tonydu16: like, saying there is a god who has to work on such a macro scale as human redemption...he probably doesn't care is suzy wins the sax contest or whatever
tonydu16: *if
itsmichalthegirl: but if you don't want to be completely responsible for yourself you don't want to right? i don't want to, but you also have like friends and family and what not that acts as that
itsmichalthegirl: or am i missing you completely
tonydu16: right...
tonydu16: but like the whole having a good time issue
tonydu16: if i could just leave it up to him
tonydu16: and have his will be bigger than mine
tonydu16: and say that if something doesn't go my way, it's going His and that's better for me
tonydu16: then it seems more comfortable
tonydu16: but then i feel like i'm cheating
itsmichalthegirl: but you're giving up your choices to get that comfort, so it's a fair trade you know?
itsmichalthegirl: you make your own decisions and get all the shit, or do that
tonydu16: ok
tonydu16: i get it
tonydu16: ...thanks
itsmichalthegirl: i mean that's how i would think of it
itsmichalthegirl: no problem
itsmichalthegirl: plus like when you hear about people following god to the max, they have to deal with a lot of bad crap in their lives. like job. i don't think you would say he was cheating
tonydu16: right...but, like, take a natural disaster victim or a close-family-death victim
tonydu16: they use god for continuity "i'll see him again" or for a reason "it's in his Will" (not like last will and testament)
tonydu16: whereas, if you don't have that...you're just like...what the fuck?! why?!!
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: so, i dunno...things i've been thinking about
itsmichalthegirl: yeah it's a really confusing/hard subject, at least for me
tonydu16: yeah
itsmichalthegirl: i hate religion, i wish it would just exist or not and not force you to try and figure it out cause the more you think about it the more impossible it is to understand
tonydu16: right1
tonydu16: !
itsmichalthegirl: and i feel like any side you can take ends up being blindsighted and wrong
tonydu16: cause it's so cold to be like "shit just happens..." you kinda feel like a square peg in a round hole
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: where you're put in a world where nothing's going to make sense, and you just kinda get hit by bullshit karmic asteroids
itsmichalthegirl: and like human life is a scientific accident and shit like that
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: see...i think the human life is a product of chemical circumstance is actually the most comforting
tonydu16: nothing to live up to
tonydu16: no purpose to achieve
tonydu16: you're just kinda here
itsmichalthegirl: but then why does everyone create and find purpose and meaning
itsmichalthegirl: and why does that make people so much happier than just vegging
tonydu16: because...we're reasonable...animals, i guess. everything has to fit into a pattern
itsmichalthegirl: i guess
tonydu16: thus science, math, and all other studies
itsmichalthegirl: fuck. existing is so depressing sometimes
tonydu16: and because...i blame the real happiness through more than vegging deal on the fact that we came from other animals who have to run and fight for food and the like...and they evolved with little things that make them happy when they do stuff. the monkey who gets high off running does it more (and is eaten less often) than the monkey who just sits there.
tonydu16: so, since we came from that, we have little reminants
itsmichalthegirl: but then, i open my japanese dictionary and the first word i find is irokichigai which means sex maniac and that's not so depressing anymore
itsmichalthegirl: but that still just sucks
tonydu16: what sucks?
itsmichalthegirl: being a scientific monkey running on dopamine and shit
tonydu16: my favorite thing about the world is when things don't make sense
tonydu16: like, are sickly appropriate
tonydu16: example:
tonydu16: remember those guys who were trapped in a WVa mine over break?
tonydu16: and the one guy survived
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: i think he just died
tonydu16: and i kinda did an internal victory dance when it happened
tonydu16: cause it's shit like that that reminds me that we're not here for any reason...that we all die, and that chaos has a sick wonderful sense of humor
tonydu16: it's like the marlboro man dying of cancer
tonydu16: it makes me subtly happy
itsmichalthegirl: i don't know, remember when we talked about like bad things and good things and everything, the bad ironic shit i don't is proving chaos, it's just a necesarry part of living
itsmichalthegirl: like you can't have christmas every day
itsmichalthegirl: and it makes people grow into who they are
tonydu16: right
tonydu16: but the main question i think is...is there any reason for growing into who you are?
tonydu16: like...does it really matter? is being a control freak just racing to get to the same red light as everyone else?
tonydu16: not even being a control freak...but just caring too much in general
itsmichalthegirl: because for whatever reason you get a chance to live and experience whatever you decide to
itsmichalthegirl: so why not exploit that to the fullest
tonydu16: yay for proactivity!
tonydu16: but like...let's say you were going to get a C in a class no matter what you did
tonydu16: would you do all the readings and turn in all the papers
itsmichalthegirl: i mean not even being successful and things like that, but just going out and experiencing as much of the world as you can while you can
tonydu16: right, i understood that
itsmichalthegirl: ok sorry
itsmichalthegirl: i don't know, i wouldn't do the work cause it wouldn't make me happy
tonydu16: i dunno...sometimes it feels like it all matters, sometimes it feels like it's all futile
itsmichalthegirl: i don't know. probably the person who's utilizing their life the best would do the work, unless they had something more fulfilling to do instead
itsmichalthegirl: yeah i know what you mean though
tonydu16: like...it all matters when everything's going well. but when something gets out of perfect balance, it all not mattering and being futile kinda seems more comfortable
itsmichalthegirl: but isn't it better to just assume that it matters? so what if you're caught up in a stupid human game, that's what makes us run/makes us happy anyways
itsmichalthegirl: okay
itsmichalthegirl: also i kind of like just taking the problems to, like just taking your beatings when then come, and feeling them as much as you can and then dealing
tonydu16: yeah...
tonydu16: i mean...i can do standard beatings. like heavy workload, or some isolated event
tonydu16: that's just a bump, whatever
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: i dunno...but some lifechanging deal....even if it's not lifechanging, but made into a romanticized pityparty...i just tell myself we're all racing to the same red light.
tonydu16: somehow or another, solutions reveal themselves
tonydu16: and you breathe
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
itsmichalthegirl: but solutions are also a product of your environment, the people around you supporting you, and the things you do to help yourself, or maybe it's god i don't know
tonydu16: i really don't know
tonydu16: but, like...maybe you're just so tired of it that you subconciously do something to fix it
itsmichalthegirl: but stuff does work out it seems, even when it doesn't
tonydu16: or maybe it's just luck
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
itsmichalthegirl: or maybe we just adapt to anything
tonydu16: or just probability...
tonydu16: what's that game when you spin the wheel, and there's the ball on it?
itsmichalthegirl: jess was telling me abou this girl that walked for 5 years to escape the holocaust and lived with wolves and stuff, i keep thinking about it during this conversation
tonydu16: wow
itsmichalthegirl: the casino game thing?
tonydu16: roulette, right?
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: see, here's my theory
itsmichalthegirl: okay
tonydu16: every moment is like a roll on the roulette wheel. anything can happen at any given time. that's why i love when i'm writing and the music or TV says the exact same word i'm writing. sheer luck, that's just what was produced at that moment for those two circumstances. so, keeping some sort of logic in mind (like natural laws, and the like)...one moment offers many possibilities. one of them one day is bound to be the solution to your problem
itsmichalthegirl: yeah that makes sense
itsmichalthegirl: but all of your actions and everyone else's actions all weigh into the probabilities
tonydu16: well, yeah
tonydu16: you can't not talk to anyone and expect to make friends
tonydu16: but, if you talk to enough people...
tonydu16: you're either bound to get a stange awkward reputation, or make a friend
itsmichalthegirl: you'll find someone
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: i'm just saying that as an exampl
tonydu16: e
itsmichalthegirl: okay
tonydu16: it goes with anything...if you lived with AIDS for fifty years, every day makes finding a cure that much more possible
itsmichalthegirl: which is why it doesn't make sense to worry about shit, cause you can't control it and yeah, there's a lot of people and stuff out there waiting to happen and it will
itsmichalthegirl: yeah
tonydu16: correct
itsmichalthegirl: well i agree with that, and it makes it easier to understand bad experiences
tonydu16: yay...
tonydu16: we do well together
itsmichalthegirl: hehe yeah