LOATHSOME BEAST
The Beast's recent ranking of The 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2006 is brilliant. While I can't agree with all of their inclusions and omissions (Pamela Anderson, but not Tucker Carlson??), much less their ranking - though who could, really? - it's a great cross-section of the country's more dubious characters among many that are downright evil. Each entrant is listed with the Charges, an Exhibit A, and a Sentence - most of which are hilarious (not to mention accurate), even if contemplating the whole rogues' gallery is a tad depressing.
Two examples (that don't name any names, but are emblematic of the tone):
16. You
Charges: Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of "common sense" wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re willing to believe anything a guy in a suit says on TV, as long as it doesn’t hint at your culpability in the negligent homicide of your country and planet or otherwise cloud your streak-free conscience. You’re more worried about friction on the "Desperate Housewives" set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You are why democracy doesn’t work.
Exhibit A: You’re Time magazine’s person of the year. So was Hitler.
Sentence: More of the same.
12. Us
Charges: Overweight, drug-addled nihilist swine with huge egos and no journalistic ethics who hold the world and our readers in general contempt because the kids were mean to us in high school. Crapping on everything and offering no solutions. Lamenting environmental destruction without so much as recycling. Juvenile, chip-shouldered, bridge-burning snots on a self-destructive mission to offend the planet. In 2006, we had the bad taste to proposition the First Lady of Buffalo, successfully rig an NHL playoff series; unapologetically mock the 5-year anniversary of 9-11; irresponsibly reprint the Danish Mohammed cartoons; crash a Scientology party on hallucinogens; and disrespect people of all religious persuasions at every opportunity. What the hell is our problem, anyway?
Exhibit A: In this list alone, we’ve trashed a dead man, a grieving mother, Jesus, and a helpless infant. Only included ourselves as blatant act of self-promotion and to stymie would-be critics.
Sentence: You’ll rush to subscribe to our new monthly magazine, damning us to a life of hollow success and eventual assimilation into the Time-Warner empire. Order now!
Two examples (that don't name any names, but are emblematic of the tone):
16. You
Charges: Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of "common sense" wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re willing to believe anything a guy in a suit says on TV, as long as it doesn’t hint at your culpability in the negligent homicide of your country and planet or otherwise cloud your streak-free conscience. You’re more worried about friction on the "Desperate Housewives" set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You are why democracy doesn’t work.
Exhibit A: You’re Time magazine’s person of the year. So was Hitler.
Sentence: More of the same.
12. Us
Charges: Overweight, drug-addled nihilist swine with huge egos and no journalistic ethics who hold the world and our readers in general contempt because the kids were mean to us in high school. Crapping on everything and offering no solutions. Lamenting environmental destruction without so much as recycling. Juvenile, chip-shouldered, bridge-burning snots on a self-destructive mission to offend the planet. In 2006, we had the bad taste to proposition the First Lady of Buffalo, successfully rig an NHL playoff series; unapologetically mock the 5-year anniversary of 9-11; irresponsibly reprint the Danish Mohammed cartoons; crash a Scientology party on hallucinogens; and disrespect people of all religious persuasions at every opportunity. What the hell is our problem, anyway?
Exhibit A: In this list alone, we’ve trashed a dead man, a grieving mother, Jesus, and a helpless infant. Only included ourselves as blatant act of self-promotion and to stymie would-be critics.
Sentence: You’ll rush to subscribe to our new monthly magazine, damning us to a life of hollow success and eventual assimilation into the Time-Warner empire. Order now!