COMMENTARY: lie on the chopping block
Read the original fic without commentary here!
So this was for a homesmut fic where the OP requested Karkat gagged and bottoming. It, uh, kind of got away from me! I toyed with both of the possible scenarios for a while, but had a lot of trouble making them believable to me until I put Terezi in as facilitator, after which everything ran smoothly.
Which had the consequence of making this much more a D/s fic than anything else, whoops. But the OP didn't seem to mind.
The title comes from The Cure's "Mr. Alphabet Says," which is a song that has very little to do with anything in this fic other than being kinky, but I needed to call it something.
The gag's just this side of uncomfortable-it doesn't hurt, but it's filling him, it's pressing down on his tongue, and the straps bite into the corners of his mouth. I literally went to five different websites just to write this line. I may be neurotic. Terezi runs one finger across his cheek, under the edge of that strap. “Are you still okay with this?” she asks.
The spark in her eye tells him she already knows, but she wants him to say it. Or not say it, in this case.
“No?” she says, when he doesn't respond, and moves her hands to the back of his head, playing with the fastener. She's smirking at him. God, she's so fucking infuriating-
He doesn't look at her, but he nods once, deeply enough that she'll be able to feel it, and reaches up to pry her hands away. This is a huge thing for me, especially when I write Karkat--being forced to confront your own desires, grapple with them, admit to them, verbalize them. It's one of my biggest narrative kinks. As well as, you know, kink kinks.
Her smile is like a sated cat's. “Good.” In the next instant she has one of his arms bound behind him; the other she leaves free- “If you really want to stop,” she says, “you can raise your hand-” Which is a really clumsy line, but I felt it was necessary to establish. Consent! Consent is good! and she bears him down onto his back; runs her hands up the inside of his thighs, spreading his legs; licks a stripe down his cock-
His hips buck and he yelps, moaning against the gag-
-and she withdraws. “Oh, yeah,” she says, low and thick and entirely too fucking pleased, “I think they're going to like you. I think I like you. You can come in now,” she calls, crossing over to kneel beside him.
Sollux enters the room. Feferi's on his arm, guiding him in, and she wiggles her fingers at Karkat. "Hey, Crabsnack," she chirps, like they're at a fucking tea party or something.
Ice shoots down his spine and he freezes. You didn't tell me she was going to be here, he tries to say, you didn't tell me she was going to see- Partly because of things like this, which I don't think I would have felt comfortable writing if it wasn't clear Karkat had an out. Terezi, you're a little mean.
Terezi strokes his hair, tucks a stray strand behind his ear. “What's that, Karkat?” Her lips twitch. “You'll have to speak more clearly, I can't understand you.”
Oh, fuck you- It doesn't do any good, though, he just ends up drooling around the gag. Terezi runs her thumb over his lip to wipe it away. “You're making a mess,” she says.
He shivers. I am not really into drool, but even I thought this part was hot. It's something about the sheer helplessness.
Feferi guides Sollux's hand between his legs, Augh, this really needs a better transition. and Sollux glides his fingertips over Karkat’s cock, briefly, along the insides of his thighs, before moving further back. He does it all with the same air of casual indifference that Karkat has come to expect from him, and his hands-parting Karkat, one finger probing along the crack of his ass to find his entrance-are very cold.
Feferi, meanwhile, seems to have decided that he is her new sketchbook; she's tracing little patterns, little whorls, on his skin with a delicate, too-light touch. Everything's a game to Fef, which I find really charming. She's so playful--I'd pay good money to see some D/s Fef/Sollux. Every so often her fingers brush against his cock, which might be accidental but probably isn't-or she's devious enough for it not to be, at least. He can’t help it-he arches up into that touch-but she always pulls away. She knows exactly how much she has to give him to drive him crazy, and she doesn’t plan on going any further.
“Give him what he wants,” Terezi says, voice rich with laughter. "Just a little."
This time Sollux plunges two fingers into him, slick with lube; Feferi hums her assent and runs her thumb along the side of his cock, as easily as she might pet a cat. What is it with all the cat references, past Ink? I boggle. She follows that up with her tongue-and he whines, high in his throat, throwing his head back.
Her head bobs up. “Wow,” she says brightly, "Terezi was right-you really do make the best noises," and she leans back in to lick the tip of his cock, swirling her tongue against the slit, half a second before Sollux slides the third finger in up to the knuckle.
“You do,” Terezi murmurs in his ear, proprietary, her nails curling around his jaw, and that gets a moan out of him-the curve of her mouth, the way she leans over him. And she laughs. “Yeah, just like that-hey, Sollux, are you going to fuck him or what?”
Have I mentioned that I love Terezi lately?
“All in good fucking time, TZ,” Sollux grumbles, and eases in slowly, which is a kind of torture all its own.
They are a study in easy command, his arrogance and clinical hands, her bright smiles and layers of deviousness beneath. I rewrote this passage a couple times--it has some of my favorite lines in the fic (this one included), but I could never get the transitions to flow the way I wanted them to. Sigh.He isn’t prepared for the way they open him up-and he isn’t prepared for Nepeta, who comes after, crawling up his body in one long, sinuous motion, clawing down his sides, leaving scrapes and scratches that she laps at with her tongue afterward Nep is a kitty cat, of course!-or Jade, who comes after Nepeta, with her too-soft human hands and her smirk that isn’t soft at all-he’s so much less annoying when he can’t talk, she tells Terezi and Terezi laughs. Jade is also a little mean! This was written when she and Karkat had more of an antagonistic relationship--I saw her as being really strung out and frustrated by him. I might do it differently today, although I do think sometimes Jade just wants to put a muzzle on this fuckass. She’s followed by her brother-John just stares at Karkat, all wide eyes and wonder, like he wants nothing more than to ask well, what are you doing here, Karkat? Like Karkat is some great puzzle-this angry boy pacified, reduced and laid bare on the floor in front of him-and he turns that puzzle over and over in his hands, searching for the trick of it. And John just has this honest curiosity--he wants to understand, he's trying to wrap his head around something very foreign to him, namely Karkat the Neurotic Mess. I've read some excellent sub!John fic, but I really don't see him as someone who gets the practice, at least not on the driving-need level you see with Karkat.
This is a good a time as any to talk about why I chose the characters I did--the kink meme request said "Karkat is everyone's bitch," and I tried to fulfill that to the best of my ability. I threw out Kanaya on the basis of sexuality; Vriska, Eridan, Gamzee (the sober thing just having come out), and Dave because I thought having them there would seriously upset Karkat--he's really vulnerable here, and I think Terezi would understand and respect that; and Tavros because...oh, come on, can you imagine Tavros sexually dominating anyone?
Rose sort of fell under the same umbrella, with me not really being sure Karkat would feel comfortable with her there, although if I was doing this today I might try to squeeze her and Dave in. Aradia just drew the short straw, I guess; I considered putting her in with Sollux instead of Fef, but ultimately I like Fef here better. And I think seven is just about the limit of how many people you can include in a gangbang without starting to get monotonous.
Terezi is the constant; she pets his arms, his shoulders, runs her fingers through his hair. Through it all, she never stops talking, her voice a low rumble in his ear-you look so good like this, she whispers, you look amazing, spread out and open and flushed, all the blood rising to the surface, she can smell it on you. I love that she's so satisfied with herself. She really just loves having him. Terezi likes Karkat best when he's at her mercy. You can’t hide it, can you, how much you want this: to cede control-moan for me, yes, exactly like that-to be touched and turned over and taken until there is nothing left, acting is too much, thinking is too much, you are there to be used.
Heat, shame, courses through him at that, but she shakes her head, sidles up closer. You’re so afraid of what you want, she says. You don’t have to be afraid. Don’t be afraid.
Which is the crux of it, at least for Karkat: giving up control in every sense of the word, allowing himself to let go. So much of his life has been a struggle against his own nature, trying desperately to live up to a standard that is wrong for him, hating himself, arguing with himself, seeing everything through the worst possible lens. And that's exhausting, and he wants so badly to stop fighting--but at the same time he's ashamed of that, because it's not what (he thinks) he should want. It's all an enormous tangle.
By the time John finishes, he’s exhausted, flagging, but when Terezi brushes her thumb along the tip of his cock his whole body jerks. He hasn’t come yet today-every time she brings him back from the brink, just as he’s about to.
Terezi smiles at him, like she knows exactly what he’s thinking. “Not yet,” she says.
He bites back a groan.
“Come in,” she calls, turning her head, and Equius steps into the room.
John had hung in the doorway for a long time, eyes bugging out of his head, gaping, ogling. Equius, on the other hand, doesn’t ogle. Equius rakes, and his breath rattles, heavy, as he kneels down between Karkat’s legs. And here's someone else who's really afraid of what he wants, heh. For once, he doesn’t say a word, thank god, only slides his hands so careful under Karkat’s hips-lifts him up, too easily, and Karkat sucks in a breath that becomes a whistle around the sides of the gag. I downgraded the super-strength a fair bit for this, and I do not feel even mildly guilty.
Equius is big, much bigger than either Sollux or John, Size and strength and force! That's the main reason I finished with Equius. and even though he’s been thoroughly stretched it still hurts when Equius pushes into him, just enough that it only makes him harder. He wants more, he can take more, he wants so much-
“-didn’t bring you here to be careful,” Terezi says, from half a world away, and when Equius growls in response he can feel it all along him. Karkat wants to be overwhelmed. And Terezi, bless her, knows it.
The next thrust is hard and fast-not a trace of hesitation, just pure driving force-and that, yes, that’s what he needs, that’s exactly what he’s been missing. Please, he says, or thinks he says, but it doesn’t matter anyway, the gag warps it all to incoherent noise. Equius grips his hips harder, bruising the skin there, which should not-fuck-should probably not turn him on this much, but that’s a lost cause by now. He’s gone.
Terezi’s touching his face, tracing around his open mouth-his mouth is dry, he cries out as Equius pounds into him, throws his head back, but she keeps on tracing, her expression never changes, and every moment it pierces him more. She may be blind but she sees him, and he can’t-he can’t deal with that but he can’t look away- I used this line for the summary, and I kind of hate it there, but it really is the crux of the fic. “More,” she says, “and tuck your knees to your chest, Karkat,” and he does, and Equius withdraws and he’s left panting on the floor, with her hands and the cold tile-
-he gasps, arching up, one two three-
-and Equius slides in again, two fingers as well as his cock this time. He fucks Karkat with both-slower this time, and the rhythms don’t match up, but it burns, all the way down, it’s right on the edge of too much, he doesn’t think he could take any more than this. Then Equius shoves his fingers in all the way and-god, he’s not sure he can take this.
“More,” Terezi says, her lips curved up into that smile that’s so very her, and he goes hot and then very cold. I can’t, he tries to say, Terezi, I can’t- but it’s all one long muffled whine and her grin widens and he knows that look, he knows this, this is the part where she makes him beg but he can’t and what do you do when you can’t beg? When she strips you down and takes all of you, takes every last thing except for one and then takes that away too-
Remember what I was saying before, about giving up control? Yeah.
The third finger splits him apart.
He clenches around it, but if anything that makes it worse. “Relax,” Terezi says, but he’s wound so tight, his nails are digging into his palms, and when he sucks in a breath it feels like his lungs are on fire.
“Karkat, relax.” She wraps her hand around the base of his cock, strokes him up and down, and that takes the edge off it a little. Terezi really is a very good top. “Breathe,” she says, and he does; it’s easier this time, though he still feels like he’s being pulled in two. He unclenches by degrees. Equius hasn’t moved the whole time, still isn’t saying anything-Karkat can hear him panting, though, heavily, like it’s taking all his effort to hold back. He's trying very hard to control himself! This wasn't purposeful--I had to have the really interesting juxtaposition between Karkat and Equius pointed out to me--but I like it a lot.
Then he doesn’t-it’s just his cock moving in and out now, impossibly slow, but the pressure, the weight of his fingers is still there. Every part of Karkat is white-hot, his bones have turned to jelly, he can’t move-can only lay there and whimper as Equius drags inside him, filling all of him. It hurts, it still hurts-it feels impossibly good-pain becomes pleasure and pleasure becomes pain, circling around and back again. His cock is aching. When Terezi’s fingers brush against it, the lightest possible touch, the contact is unbearable; he is going to die, he is sure of it-and then she does it again, works him harder this time, ever harder, always, Which is an apt summary of their relationship! and his whimper is high and breaking all around him-
He comes, spilling all over himself, shaking.
Terezi says something he can’t make out, and the next thing he registers is Equius withdrawing, leaving him empty, hollowed out, wanting. He can’t remember who he is, barely knows where he is. There’s a hole in him that can’t be filled easily-but Terezi presses herself flush against him, then, burying her face in the crook of his neck, and her hands alight on either side of his head. She strokes down his cheeks with her thumbs, smooths him out with every motion: “You were good,” she says, “you were so good, Karkat,” and he lets himself take her in, her scent, her words, her heartbeat against his. He absorbs all of it.
And I think this section is almost too perfect to commentate. I wrote it all in a rush--sitting in the computer lab, actually, my laptop was broken then!--and basically didn't touch it. I don't think I touched the last paragraph at all. I'm actually having trouble expressing what I wanted to say here more clearly than I already did. Karkat flailing, needing to be reassured, and Terezi being there for him--
I've had this conversation (a lot!) with Fer, about how a lot of fannish D/s stuff really fails to get the core of the dynamic. Trust is important! The sub is essentially giving themselves up to the dominant, which is a heavy responsibility.
Someone grunts, the sound coming from somewhere very far away from him, and he hears something hit the inside of a bucket. Terezi lifts her head a fraction of an inch and says, “If you ever want to come back-”
“You are utterly depraved,” Equius starts, and then stops. There’s a long silence. “And you know where to find me,” he says. Say it with me: R-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D.
She huffs-Karkat can feel her breath against his throat. “Geez, is he ever going to lighten up?” Then she falls silent again-and he, of course, can’t say anything-and they both stay like that for minutes, hours, years. He wouldn’t know, he is floating away, in the depths of space somewhere orbiting a blazing star. Maybe that last line is a little much, but I couldn't help it.
But he’s here, still, at the same time, because she is above him, and the whole way through she never stops touching him. “Can you sit up?” she asks, after an eternity. And this is his greatest secret, his greatest shame, larger and more terrifying than anything he has done or wanted here today Which is kind of hilarious to me, considering, uh, everything. Only Karkat would find wanting affection this embarrassing.: he doesn’t want to. He would like nothing more than to stay here, forever, mind gloriously blank, with nothing but her hands and her warmth and the assurance of her body against his, holding him down. But he nods, reluctantly, and she slides off him, pulling him up with her. Her hands reach behind his head to take apart the fastenings of the gag.
Honestly, the extent of Karkat's reaction surprised me a lot. I was originally going to draw the ending out more, take the two of them through aftercare and cleaning up, but I got to this point and realized: no, I have to wrap this up. There is nothing more to say.
Even after she removes it, though, he doesn’t speak, not for a very long time. And for once she doesn’t make him.
And a small mercy from Terezi. ;)
I didn't set out to Say Things when I started this fic, but over the course of the writing it really became about Karkat and Terezi and their relationship. I am joking when I say this gangbang fic is a love story, but I mean it, and I will defend this thesis to the death. Karkat trusts Terezi implicitly; Terezi loves Karkat for who he is, not who he thinks he should be.
Excuse me. I'm getting a little verklempt.
I know there's a lot I didn't touch on during this commentary, so if you have questions about anything, go ahead and ask!
So this was for a homesmut fic where the OP requested Karkat gagged and bottoming. It, uh, kind of got away from me! I toyed with both of the possible scenarios for a while, but had a lot of trouble making them believable to me until I put Terezi in as facilitator, after which everything ran smoothly.
Which had the consequence of making this much more a D/s fic than anything else, whoops. But the OP didn't seem to mind.
The title comes from The Cure's "Mr. Alphabet Says," which is a song that has very little to do with anything in this fic other than being kinky, but I needed to call it something.
The gag's just this side of uncomfortable-it doesn't hurt, but it's filling him, it's pressing down on his tongue, and the straps bite into the corners of his mouth. I literally went to five different websites just to write this line. I may be neurotic. Terezi runs one finger across his cheek, under the edge of that strap. “Are you still okay with this?” she asks.
The spark in her eye tells him she already knows, but she wants him to say it. Or not say it, in this case.
“No?” she says, when he doesn't respond, and moves her hands to the back of his head, playing with the fastener. She's smirking at him. God, she's so fucking infuriating-
He doesn't look at her, but he nods once, deeply enough that she'll be able to feel it, and reaches up to pry her hands away. This is a huge thing for me, especially when I write Karkat--being forced to confront your own desires, grapple with them, admit to them, verbalize them. It's one of my biggest narrative kinks. As well as, you know, kink kinks.
Her smile is like a sated cat's. “Good.” In the next instant she has one of his arms bound behind him; the other she leaves free- “If you really want to stop,” she says, “you can raise your hand-” Which is a really clumsy line, but I felt it was necessary to establish. Consent! Consent is good! and she bears him down onto his back; runs her hands up the inside of his thighs, spreading his legs; licks a stripe down his cock-
His hips buck and he yelps, moaning against the gag-
-and she withdraws. “Oh, yeah,” she says, low and thick and entirely too fucking pleased, “I think they're going to like you. I think I like you. You can come in now,” she calls, crossing over to kneel beside him.
Sollux enters the room. Feferi's on his arm, guiding him in, and she wiggles her fingers at Karkat. "Hey, Crabsnack," she chirps, like they're at a fucking tea party or something.
Ice shoots down his spine and he freezes. You didn't tell me she was going to be here, he tries to say, you didn't tell me she was going to see- Partly because of things like this, which I don't think I would have felt comfortable writing if it wasn't clear Karkat had an out. Terezi, you're a little mean.
Terezi strokes his hair, tucks a stray strand behind his ear. “What's that, Karkat?” Her lips twitch. “You'll have to speak more clearly, I can't understand you.”
Oh, fuck you- It doesn't do any good, though, he just ends up drooling around the gag. Terezi runs her thumb over his lip to wipe it away. “You're making a mess,” she says.
He shivers. I am not really into drool, but even I thought this part was hot. It's something about the sheer helplessness.
Feferi guides Sollux's hand between his legs, Augh, this really needs a better transition. and Sollux glides his fingertips over Karkat’s cock, briefly, along the insides of his thighs, before moving further back. He does it all with the same air of casual indifference that Karkat has come to expect from him, and his hands-parting Karkat, one finger probing along the crack of his ass to find his entrance-are very cold.
Feferi, meanwhile, seems to have decided that he is her new sketchbook; she's tracing little patterns, little whorls, on his skin with a delicate, too-light touch. Everything's a game to Fef, which I find really charming. She's so playful--I'd pay good money to see some D/s Fef/Sollux. Every so often her fingers brush against his cock, which might be accidental but probably isn't-or she's devious enough for it not to be, at least. He can’t help it-he arches up into that touch-but she always pulls away. She knows exactly how much she has to give him to drive him crazy, and she doesn’t plan on going any further.
“Give him what he wants,” Terezi says, voice rich with laughter. "Just a little."
This time Sollux plunges two fingers into him, slick with lube; Feferi hums her assent and runs her thumb along the side of his cock, as easily as she might pet a cat. What is it with all the cat references, past Ink? I boggle. She follows that up with her tongue-and he whines, high in his throat, throwing his head back.
Her head bobs up. “Wow,” she says brightly, "Terezi was right-you really do make the best noises," and she leans back in to lick the tip of his cock, swirling her tongue against the slit, half a second before Sollux slides the third finger in up to the knuckle.
“You do,” Terezi murmurs in his ear, proprietary, her nails curling around his jaw, and that gets a moan out of him-the curve of her mouth, the way she leans over him. And she laughs. “Yeah, just like that-hey, Sollux, are you going to fuck him or what?”
Have I mentioned that I love Terezi lately?
“All in good fucking time, TZ,” Sollux grumbles, and eases in slowly, which is a kind of torture all its own.
They are a study in easy command, his arrogance and clinical hands, her bright smiles and layers of deviousness beneath. I rewrote this passage a couple times--it has some of my favorite lines in the fic (this one included), but I could never get the transitions to flow the way I wanted them to. Sigh.He isn’t prepared for the way they open him up-and he isn’t prepared for Nepeta, who comes after, crawling up his body in one long, sinuous motion, clawing down his sides, leaving scrapes and scratches that she laps at with her tongue afterward Nep is a kitty cat, of course!-or Jade, who comes after Nepeta, with her too-soft human hands and her smirk that isn’t soft at all-he’s so much less annoying when he can’t talk, she tells Terezi and Terezi laughs. Jade is also a little mean! This was written when she and Karkat had more of an antagonistic relationship--I saw her as being really strung out and frustrated by him. I might do it differently today, although I do think sometimes Jade just wants to put a muzzle on this fuckass. She’s followed by her brother-John just stares at Karkat, all wide eyes and wonder, like he wants nothing more than to ask well, what are you doing here, Karkat? Like Karkat is some great puzzle-this angry boy pacified, reduced and laid bare on the floor in front of him-and he turns that puzzle over and over in his hands, searching for the trick of it. And John just has this honest curiosity--he wants to understand, he's trying to wrap his head around something very foreign to him, namely Karkat the Neurotic Mess. I've read some excellent sub!John fic, but I really don't see him as someone who gets the practice, at least not on the driving-need level you see with Karkat.
This is a good a time as any to talk about why I chose the characters I did--the kink meme request said "Karkat is everyone's bitch," and I tried to fulfill that to the best of my ability. I threw out Kanaya on the basis of sexuality; Vriska, Eridan, Gamzee (the sober thing just having come out), and Dave because I thought having them there would seriously upset Karkat--he's really vulnerable here, and I think Terezi would understand and respect that; and Tavros because...oh, come on, can you imagine Tavros sexually dominating anyone?
Rose sort of fell under the same umbrella, with me not really being sure Karkat would feel comfortable with her there, although if I was doing this today I might try to squeeze her and Dave in. Aradia just drew the short straw, I guess; I considered putting her in with Sollux instead of Fef, but ultimately I like Fef here better. And I think seven is just about the limit of how many people you can include in a gangbang without starting to get monotonous.
Terezi is the constant; she pets his arms, his shoulders, runs her fingers through his hair. Through it all, she never stops talking, her voice a low rumble in his ear-you look so good like this, she whispers, you look amazing, spread out and open and flushed, all the blood rising to the surface, she can smell it on you. I love that she's so satisfied with herself. She really just loves having him. Terezi likes Karkat best when he's at her mercy. You can’t hide it, can you, how much you want this: to cede control-moan for me, yes, exactly like that-to be touched and turned over and taken until there is nothing left, acting is too much, thinking is too much, you are there to be used.
Heat, shame, courses through him at that, but she shakes her head, sidles up closer. You’re so afraid of what you want, she says. You don’t have to be afraid. Don’t be afraid.
Which is the crux of it, at least for Karkat: giving up control in every sense of the word, allowing himself to let go. So much of his life has been a struggle against his own nature, trying desperately to live up to a standard that is wrong for him, hating himself, arguing with himself, seeing everything through the worst possible lens. And that's exhausting, and he wants so badly to stop fighting--but at the same time he's ashamed of that, because it's not what (he thinks) he should want. It's all an enormous tangle.
By the time John finishes, he’s exhausted, flagging, but when Terezi brushes her thumb along the tip of his cock his whole body jerks. He hasn’t come yet today-every time she brings him back from the brink, just as he’s about to.
Terezi smiles at him, like she knows exactly what he’s thinking. “Not yet,” she says.
He bites back a groan.
“Come in,” she calls, turning her head, and Equius steps into the room.
John had hung in the doorway for a long time, eyes bugging out of his head, gaping, ogling. Equius, on the other hand, doesn’t ogle. Equius rakes, and his breath rattles, heavy, as he kneels down between Karkat’s legs. And here's someone else who's really afraid of what he wants, heh. For once, he doesn’t say a word, thank god, only slides his hands so careful under Karkat’s hips-lifts him up, too easily, and Karkat sucks in a breath that becomes a whistle around the sides of the gag. I downgraded the super-strength a fair bit for this, and I do not feel even mildly guilty.
Equius is big, much bigger than either Sollux or John, Size and strength and force! That's the main reason I finished with Equius. and even though he’s been thoroughly stretched it still hurts when Equius pushes into him, just enough that it only makes him harder. He wants more, he can take more, he wants so much-
“-didn’t bring you here to be careful,” Terezi says, from half a world away, and when Equius growls in response he can feel it all along him. Karkat wants to be overwhelmed. And Terezi, bless her, knows it.
The next thrust is hard and fast-not a trace of hesitation, just pure driving force-and that, yes, that’s what he needs, that’s exactly what he’s been missing. Please, he says, or thinks he says, but it doesn’t matter anyway, the gag warps it all to incoherent noise. Equius grips his hips harder, bruising the skin there, which should not-fuck-should probably not turn him on this much, but that’s a lost cause by now. He’s gone.
Terezi’s touching his face, tracing around his open mouth-his mouth is dry, he cries out as Equius pounds into him, throws his head back, but she keeps on tracing, her expression never changes, and every moment it pierces him more. She may be blind but she sees him, and he can’t-he can’t deal with that but he can’t look away- I used this line for the summary, and I kind of hate it there, but it really is the crux of the fic. “More,” she says, “and tuck your knees to your chest, Karkat,” and he does, and Equius withdraws and he’s left panting on the floor, with her hands and the cold tile-
-he gasps, arching up, one two three-
-and Equius slides in again, two fingers as well as his cock this time. He fucks Karkat with both-slower this time, and the rhythms don’t match up, but it burns, all the way down, it’s right on the edge of too much, he doesn’t think he could take any more than this. Then Equius shoves his fingers in all the way and-god, he’s not sure he can take this.
“More,” Terezi says, her lips curved up into that smile that’s so very her, and he goes hot and then very cold. I can’t, he tries to say, Terezi, I can’t- but it’s all one long muffled whine and her grin widens and he knows that look, he knows this, this is the part where she makes him beg but he can’t and what do you do when you can’t beg? When she strips you down and takes all of you, takes every last thing except for one and then takes that away too-
Remember what I was saying before, about giving up control? Yeah.
The third finger splits him apart.
He clenches around it, but if anything that makes it worse. “Relax,” Terezi says, but he’s wound so tight, his nails are digging into his palms, and when he sucks in a breath it feels like his lungs are on fire.
“Karkat, relax.” She wraps her hand around the base of his cock, strokes him up and down, and that takes the edge off it a little. Terezi really is a very good top. “Breathe,” she says, and he does; it’s easier this time, though he still feels like he’s being pulled in two. He unclenches by degrees. Equius hasn’t moved the whole time, still isn’t saying anything-Karkat can hear him panting, though, heavily, like it’s taking all his effort to hold back. He's trying very hard to control himself! This wasn't purposeful--I had to have the really interesting juxtaposition between Karkat and Equius pointed out to me--but I like it a lot.
Then he doesn’t-it’s just his cock moving in and out now, impossibly slow, but the pressure, the weight of his fingers is still there. Every part of Karkat is white-hot, his bones have turned to jelly, he can’t move-can only lay there and whimper as Equius drags inside him, filling all of him. It hurts, it still hurts-it feels impossibly good-pain becomes pleasure and pleasure becomes pain, circling around and back again. His cock is aching. When Terezi’s fingers brush against it, the lightest possible touch, the contact is unbearable; he is going to die, he is sure of it-and then she does it again, works him harder this time, ever harder, always, Which is an apt summary of their relationship! and his whimper is high and breaking all around him-
He comes, spilling all over himself, shaking.
Terezi says something he can’t make out, and the next thing he registers is Equius withdrawing, leaving him empty, hollowed out, wanting. He can’t remember who he is, barely knows where he is. There’s a hole in him that can’t be filled easily-but Terezi presses herself flush against him, then, burying her face in the crook of his neck, and her hands alight on either side of his head. She strokes down his cheeks with her thumbs, smooths him out with every motion: “You were good,” she says, “you were so good, Karkat,” and he lets himself take her in, her scent, her words, her heartbeat against his. He absorbs all of it.
And I think this section is almost too perfect to commentate. I wrote it all in a rush--sitting in the computer lab, actually, my laptop was broken then!--and basically didn't touch it. I don't think I touched the last paragraph at all. I'm actually having trouble expressing what I wanted to say here more clearly than I already did. Karkat flailing, needing to be reassured, and Terezi being there for him--
I've had this conversation (a lot!) with Fer, about how a lot of fannish D/s stuff really fails to get the core of the dynamic. Trust is important! The sub is essentially giving themselves up to the dominant, which is a heavy responsibility.
Someone grunts, the sound coming from somewhere very far away from him, and he hears something hit the inside of a bucket. Terezi lifts her head a fraction of an inch and says, “If you ever want to come back-”
“You are utterly depraved,” Equius starts, and then stops. There’s a long silence. “And you know where to find me,” he says. Say it with me: R-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D.
She huffs-Karkat can feel her breath against his throat. “Geez, is he ever going to lighten up?” Then she falls silent again-and he, of course, can’t say anything-and they both stay like that for minutes, hours, years. He wouldn’t know, he is floating away, in the depths of space somewhere orbiting a blazing star. Maybe that last line is a little much, but I couldn't help it.
But he’s here, still, at the same time, because she is above him, and the whole way through she never stops touching him. “Can you sit up?” she asks, after an eternity. And this is his greatest secret, his greatest shame, larger and more terrifying than anything he has done or wanted here today Which is kind of hilarious to me, considering, uh, everything. Only Karkat would find wanting affection this embarrassing.: he doesn’t want to. He would like nothing more than to stay here, forever, mind gloriously blank, with nothing but her hands and her warmth and the assurance of her body against his, holding him down. But he nods, reluctantly, and she slides off him, pulling him up with her. Her hands reach behind his head to take apart the fastenings of the gag.
Honestly, the extent of Karkat's reaction surprised me a lot. I was originally going to draw the ending out more, take the two of them through aftercare and cleaning up, but I got to this point and realized: no, I have to wrap this up. There is nothing more to say.
Even after she removes it, though, he doesn’t speak, not for a very long time. And for once she doesn’t make him.
And a small mercy from Terezi. ;)
I didn't set out to Say Things when I started this fic, but over the course of the writing it really became about Karkat and Terezi and their relationship. I am joking when I say this gangbang fic is a love story, but I mean it, and I will defend this thesis to the death. Karkat trusts Terezi implicitly; Terezi loves Karkat for who he is, not who he thinks he should be.
Excuse me. I'm getting a little verklempt.
I know there's a lot I didn't touch on during this commentary, so if you have questions about anything, go ahead and ask!