of course there would be trouble in paradise
Where there was but sunshine, now there is a cloud. A dark, heavy, impending cloud that sometimes I can ignore and sometimes I cannot.
Now is one of those times where I cannot. My relationship with my boyfriend has been life-altering. Being in love, requited love, has added a certain hope and joy into my life that I never thought I'd see again. It was as if fairy dust had been sprinkled over my life, and everything was more wonderful. I was utterly confident that no matter what happened, it would all be all right. Not because he was there (remember, the boy is a 4 hour flight away), but because my heart was full of love - not the usually bitterness of suspicion that have marked most of my life.
While I will always be a sarcastic person, it was good (for once!) to finally believe in someone; to not be afraid of showing who I am; to feel that I can be loved completely and unconditionally, the same way that I love him.
Well, I might have gotten a little carried away and might have assumed that he loves me as much as I love him. Or I might have been right in assuming such. Frankly, I don't know. Most of the time I know that I'm right. Some of the time, I'm heartbroken and think that it was my foolish heart filling-in-the-blanks according to how I wanted them to be filled.
Getting to the point: the boy and I had a fight, unlike any other fight. We were at a bar along with two friends, celebrating, and after drinking heavily, I can't remember what someone said and my reply was, "but I love him! I'm gonna marry this man in 3.5 to 5 years", while putting my arms around his neck and giving him a kiss on the cheek. His reaction? He physically backs away while going "uhmmm, ahhhh" and looking extremely uncomfortable and displeased. [Mind you, I've already told my boy that I have every intention of marrying him but don't know when; he's had plenty of opportunity to protest or look displeased or uncomfortable and never did.] Everyone decides it's time to leave that bar, mostly because I'd scream "Don't touch me!" any time the boy got anywhere near me, loud enough that half the bar could hear. Needless to say, I was very angry!!! (me drunk and angry? not pretty)
Our two friends decided to go to the boy's place so they can get rid of me and then decide to walk to the next bar without the boy and me. It took quite a while for the boy to convince me of even looking at him and amongst the gems of our drunken conversation, he says this: "I love you now but I don't know if I'll love you in one year, in three years, I don't know." and then he says he doesn't know if he'll love me in one or three months. I decided to end the conversation because at that point I knew that he didn't even know what he was saying. Had we broken up then and there, I know he'd still love me in 1-3 months, so it was no use arguing with a drunk person.
Even thought we're technically still okay ... I have these pockets in time of utter heartbreak.
I've tried talking with him about it and all he can say is "sorry" since he can't remember what he said. And it's not like I can demand that he be confident about how he's going to feel about me in years from now.But even after I reminded him, he didn't bother saying that that's not how he feels.
Let me put this in context: all this happened a few days after we got back to Dallas after spending a whole week with his parents over Christmas. Something he insisted I do with him once he found out that my parents were going to Brazil for Christmas. And he hasn't introduced any gf to his parents since he was in high school, although he's had plenty of them. And he's almost 30!
AND he's the one who's always asking me about the future (such as where we're going on vacation next summer, what kind of house I want to live in, in what kind of climate, what kind of dog I want, etc).
YET, when I tell him how much I love him, and how I've never felt this way before*, and how I've never felt more confident about anything before in life (how right this feels, how I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him).... I never get that kind of assurances from him. Well, not verbally. Hence why I feel like I've been conveniently filling-in-the-blanks. (*the kind of love in which you want to stretch out your arms, throw back your head, and tell the stars that your heart is utterly and completely taken - whilst at the same time being fully aware that your loved one is not perfect)
Therefore: I am confused.
Plus, it kind of pisses me off too! Like, "what do you mean you don't want to spend the rest of your life with the awesomeness that is me?". I wish I were confident enough to think like that all the time. But I assure you, I was being beyond generous when I said 3.5-5 years (I'll be 29 in April, damnit!). I'm no Carrie Bradshaw that's gonna love Big for years until he mans up. I will not be the puppy dog waiting for the master to throw me a toy. F that! I will NOT be in a relationship in which we each want markedly different things. We gotta both be looking to same direction or else it's disastrous!
The boy and I have talked about how in every other relationship that we've had, we were aware of the deal-breakers that would ultimately end the relationship. Yet with each other, we never found anything, no red flags that say that we are wrong for each other. This is the first and only thing that has ever come up as a red flag. And what a deal-breaker it will be if it is not resolved.
Regardless, I feel more like my bitter old self again. Slightly disappointed in humanity. Slightly nursing a heartbreak. Slightly angry. Letting my resentment guide me into the future. I guess order has been restored to the cosmos.
Now is one of those times where I cannot. My relationship with my boyfriend has been life-altering. Being in love, requited love, has added a certain hope and joy into my life that I never thought I'd see again. It was as if fairy dust had been sprinkled over my life, and everything was more wonderful. I was utterly confident that no matter what happened, it would all be all right. Not because he was there (remember, the boy is a 4 hour flight away), but because my heart was full of love - not the usually bitterness of suspicion that have marked most of my life.
While I will always be a sarcastic person, it was good (for once!) to finally believe in someone; to not be afraid of showing who I am; to feel that I can be loved completely and unconditionally, the same way that I love him.
Well, I might have gotten a little carried away and might have assumed that he loves me as much as I love him. Or I might have been right in assuming such. Frankly, I don't know. Most of the time I know that I'm right. Some of the time, I'm heartbroken and think that it was my foolish heart filling-in-the-blanks according to how I wanted them to be filled.
Getting to the point: the boy and I had a fight, unlike any other fight. We were at a bar along with two friends, celebrating, and after drinking heavily, I can't remember what someone said and my reply was, "but I love him! I'm gonna marry this man in 3.5 to 5 years", while putting my arms around his neck and giving him a kiss on the cheek. His reaction? He physically backs away while going "uhmmm, ahhhh" and looking extremely uncomfortable and displeased. [Mind you, I've already told my boy that I have every intention of marrying him but don't know when; he's had plenty of opportunity to protest or look displeased or uncomfortable and never did.] Everyone decides it's time to leave that bar, mostly because I'd scream "Don't touch me!" any time the boy got anywhere near me, loud enough that half the bar could hear. Needless to say, I was very angry!!! (me drunk and angry? not pretty)
Our two friends decided to go to the boy's place so they can get rid of me and then decide to walk to the next bar without the boy and me. It took quite a while for the boy to convince me of even looking at him and amongst the gems of our drunken conversation, he says this: "I love you now but I don't know if I'll love you in one year, in three years, I don't know." and then he says he doesn't know if he'll love me in one or three months. I decided to end the conversation because at that point I knew that he didn't even know what he was saying. Had we broken up then and there, I know he'd still love me in 1-3 months, so it was no use arguing with a drunk person.
Even thought we're technically still okay ... I have these pockets in time of utter heartbreak.
I've tried talking with him about it and all he can say is "sorry" since he can't remember what he said. And it's not like I can demand that he be confident about how he's going to feel about me in years from now.But even after I reminded him, he didn't bother saying that that's not how he feels.
Let me put this in context: all this happened a few days after we got back to Dallas after spending a whole week with his parents over Christmas. Something he insisted I do with him once he found out that my parents were going to Brazil for Christmas. And he hasn't introduced any gf to his parents since he was in high school, although he's had plenty of them. And he's almost 30!
AND he's the one who's always asking me about the future (such as where we're going on vacation next summer, what kind of house I want to live in, in what kind of climate, what kind of dog I want, etc).
YET, when I tell him how much I love him, and how I've never felt this way before*, and how I've never felt more confident about anything before in life (how right this feels, how I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him).... I never get that kind of assurances from him. Well, not verbally. Hence why I feel like I've been conveniently filling-in-the-blanks. (*the kind of love in which you want to stretch out your arms, throw back your head, and tell the stars that your heart is utterly and completely taken - whilst at the same time being fully aware that your loved one is not perfect)
Therefore: I am confused.
Plus, it kind of pisses me off too! Like, "what do you mean you don't want to spend the rest of your life with the awesomeness that is me?". I wish I were confident enough to think like that all the time. But I assure you, I was being beyond generous when I said 3.5-5 years (I'll be 29 in April, damnit!). I'm no Carrie Bradshaw that's gonna love Big for years until he mans up. I will not be the puppy dog waiting for the master to throw me a toy. F that! I will NOT be in a relationship in which we each want markedly different things. We gotta both be looking to same direction or else it's disastrous!
The boy and I have talked about how in every other relationship that we've had, we were aware of the deal-breakers that would ultimately end the relationship. Yet with each other, we never found anything, no red flags that say that we are wrong for each other. This is the first and only thing that has ever come up as a red flag. And what a deal-breaker it will be if it is not resolved.
Regardless, I feel more like my bitter old self again. Slightly disappointed in humanity. Slightly nursing a heartbreak. Slightly angry. Letting my resentment guide me into the future. I guess order has been restored to the cosmos.