What is my life worth?
I look around in the furry community. Almost all the furries who are friends with each other either had time online to be real good friends with them, or were friends with them in real life. Main topic this evening... just because you lack physical possessions doesn't mean you'll always be sad, and just because you have LOTS of physical posessions doesn't mean you'll always be happy. I was raised in a middle class family, with good privileges (which my parents rub in my face). I've always gotten trips to theme parks, malls, arcades, everything a kid could of wanted. But what does it mean when all you ever wanted were friends who didn't discriminate you for your flaws and friends that would love you as a friend unconditionally? Sure, I have a few close friends that I truly admire. But all through my life, I was considered gay by other school kids for being nice. I took a nasty offensive with words to defend myself (because all I wanted were friends, and people liked being a jerk to me). It was upsetting. I never had large groups of friends. Hell, even my close ones ganged up on me and abused my kindness and friendship. I was always taken for granted, never appreicated for the goodness I gave others, hated by many, loved by few. What I get physically? Means shit! When all you want are people you feel in tune with, and want to spend your days laughing, running around with, and talking with, everything is second. When you have parents who say they understand your anger and they don't, and a brother who thinks he's always right (for that matter, real life friends who think they're always right), life seems like a downright macro pressing his foot into you and smearing you into the ground (I know some of you macrophiles like that, but I recognize the painfulness of this symbolization.). I really, REALLY appreciate the friendship people have given me, and I'm glad to give it back. But... why is it I was born into this world, never to be understood, never to have lots of friends, to have everyone make a joke out of you or outright hate you because you have horrible social skills? Or treat you like a disease because you're plain nice? Perhaps this is why I'm greedy for things: for money, for art, for ridiculous outrageous dreams... because I never feel like I have the capacity to make friends. I suck at it. I want to make them SO bad, but I don't know how many people can handle me: my talkativeness, my depression, my anger, my sometimes greedy demeanor, or how many of those friends will take my advice as well as they'd take advice from a friend that they have known for many years more. I wish I had the friends many others had. That's all I'm asking for. Besides all the asking and wanting certain things... yeah, I want to be a dragon, that'll always be one of my main things. But if it had to be anything else, it would be that I would have many more friends, and that I could prove that I was worth being their friend. I hope people know what I'm feeling, so they can give me some advice. I really need it right now :'(