sad girls por vida
dear shiloh,
i never ever could have dreamed it would come to this. and i'm so so so sorry i wasn't there. i'm so sorry i didn't call you the day before when i was going to but found some stupid excuse not to. i'm sorry you didn't call me like you had before, or any of the literally hundreds of people who would have been there for you. so many people loved you baby. i don't think you realize the impact you had on people. there were so many people at your funeral and you still get myspace comments every day. [i know you would love this] your mom swears you were happy. actually everyone swears you were doing better. eating better, going to work on time, even getting along with dominic. your mom said she was even talking you into getting your license. and how you wanted to have your birthday at the borgota this year. last sunday, carly and i rode bikes with your mom and sat in dominic's back yard and talked about you. we did shots of soco with her. right next to the pool we swam in years ago with your sister, in our tshirts and jeans. i found all these pictures of us from eigth grade. you made living in this town bearable, i fucking hated it before you moved back. you were my salvation. how will i make it without you? carly is pretty torn up. you guys just started talking again and she wanted to hang out with you so bad, the three of us could have hung out. could you imagine? it's been years. it would have been so fucking cool. and your mom is, i don't know. she's holding up i guess. i can't imagine. i'm going to look after her though, i promise you. we know you never meant to leave us this way. aisha has been staying at dominic's with your mom. she doesn't want to go back to the house ever again. i haven't been inside. i sat on the porch and dorothy cat was out there and i played with her awhile. i kept thinking you would walk out the door after making me wait forever like you always did and then i would realize you weren't coming. your mom is going to go through your stuff soon, she said i can come too. this hurts so fucking bad shi. every day i wake up and realize you're still gone and i almost can't get up. it's getting easier but fuck. i can't believe i'll never hear your voice again. i can't believe i'll never hear your beautiful voice saying 'doooodle!' ever ever again. i'm so fucking sorry i couldn't stop this. i have to stop now because i'm getting pretty upset and carly is on her way here. she's getting a tattoo for you today, i'm making my appointment today. i'll keep writing. i'm going to get a notebook for you. pink, of course. i love you.
xoxo
stephy [doodle]