[Fic] Untitled 2 [2/?]
---
Prologue II: W
---
Wを描き続けている
So our friendship was worth sacrificing?
Keep in mind that I love you.
So our past was worth sacrificing?
逢いたくて
So everything we’ve ever shared was worth sacrificing?!
逢いたくて
What are we to you?
きっと
No.
君ともう一度
Who are you?
笑えると信じているから
Because I no longer recognize you.
---
The phone rang once, twice, thrice, and a forth time.
Kim Jaejoong stared at his phone and ignored it again. It was the fifth call this week.
He knew who was calling. No, it wasn’t YunJae instinct or anything like that. It was something rather less significant: caller ID. After all, with his circle of celebrity friends, it hadn’t been that hard to get TVXQ Jung Yunho’s number.
And there was a certain sick and twisted pleasure of watching his phone ring and not picking up.
Kim Jaejoong wasn’t usually a sadist or even spiteful. If this had been any other time, Jaejoong would have jumped at the call. If this had been a year earlier, Jaejoong would have cried. If this had been a month earlier, Jaejoong would have smiled. If this had been just a week earlier, Jaejoong would have forgiven everything that happened afterward. But this was now.
And now, Kim Jaejoong wanted his former member and fellow entertainer to feel the same rejection and pain that never faded.
Finally, the screen went blank and the room silent.
Jaejoong felt his chest tighten and his breath shorten. It was the fifth time this week. Every time after he called, Jaejoong felt his heart die a little more. His fingers itched to call back and get rid of that sickening sensation, but his mind screamed no.
“Why can’t I just pick up that stupid phone?” he would whisper to himself every time.
And the sick little voice in his head would answer, “Because you know he’s only doing this for the public and not for you. It’ll never be for you.”
---
Kim Junsu got one call and he picked up.
He had been in his bedroom, singing along to some favorite tunes in an attempt to improve his mood, when the call came.
He didn’t think about it at first. Unlike his hyung, he didn’t bother saving his former member’s phone numbers. He did at first, but reality hit him faster than his hyung. So when his screen flashed ‘unknown caller’, Junsu picked up.
Who knows right? Sometime his twin brother called on random landlines or his friends changed their numbers and wanted to tell him.
“Yaw bo seh yo,” he said automatically.
There was a small swallow and long pause before a strained whisper filtered through, “Junsu-hyung…it’s…it’s me, Changmin.”
Later thinking back on the call, Junsu would applause his unwavering voice and calm composure because his heart had thudded rapidly and irregularly throughout the whole conversation. And from his phone record, they only talked for three minutes.
“Changmin, I didn’t expect this call,” Junsu admitted candidly. There was no more reason to hold pretenses. From the younger’s tone, he could tell that Changmin knew exactly where Junsu stood on this situation. “In fact, I was expecting Yunho-hyung to call first or no call at all.”
“…he is going to call you at some point,” Changmin admitted frankly. “But right now, Jae-Jaejoong-hyung won’t pick up.”
Junsu smiled bitterly at the other’s stumble. Has it been so long that even saying each other’s names were becoming awkward? They had been a team who understood each other’s heart with just a glance. Now, Junsu didn’t know where they stood in each other’s hearts, if at all.
“I didn’t think you would pick up,” Changmin said quietly.
“I didn’t think you would call,” Junsu answered.
“Hyung, I-I’m-I mean…I don’t know what to say,” Changmin said quietly.
“Then call me back when you do,” Junsu answered. “Unlike Jaejoong-hyung, I no longer have any expectations. So even if you don’t call back, I won’t be offended.”
“Junsu-hyu-”
“No hard feelings, right?” Junsu questioned. “We’re all entertainers, after all.”
“…I understand,” and the line died.
But that was the problem. Junsu didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how Yunho could make such a statement. He didn’t understand how Changmin accepted defeat so easily.
And a sick little voice in his head would answer: “Because they’ve already left you and you’ve known this. They will never come back.”
---
Park Yoochun had been waiting for the call.
He knew Jaejoong was refusing to pick up Yunho’s calls. He knew Junsu was disappointed in picking up Changming’s call.
So he decided to pick up and be proactive. There may have been a little bit of influence from the individualistic country he lived in for a couple years somewhere in that decision, but he digresses.
So when he saw the unknown caller ID on his cell phone, Yoochun let it ring a couple of times before picking up. Honestly, he had been surprised at the voice on the other side. Honestly, he expected it to be Changmin but then again, Yunho did some interestingly unexpected things when it came to Jaejoong.
“Please don’t hang up,” the other asked quickly. The strain in the other man’s voice was obvious. “I know I’ve said some…unforgivable things. I know that I should never had said that, especially with how Jaejoong is, no, especially how we were. I know I should never had even went up on that stage or started talking or…”
And Yoochun listened as his former leader and fellow entertainer poured out his heart. It probably wasn’t the way Yunho wanted to address the actor and singer, but all the stress and guilt and Jaejoong’s rejections that led to this fervent outpour.
It was strange that Yunho would choose him to do this. The members of the former DBSK were close, but there was no escaping bias. Yoochun was never Yunho’s first go-to person and Yunho wasn’t Yoochun’s either. Heck, Junsu was closer to Yunho than Yoochun was when it came to personal matters but it was to Yoochun that Yunho trusted with some thoughts, usually thoughts about Jaejoong.
So for an hour and a half, Yoochun listened as Yunho repeated the same things over and over again. The regrets and guilt he hid and smothered over the past two years. Yoochun listened to how much Changmin missed his hyungs, how the bitterness began, how he read Jaejoong’s texts, how some staff would show them JYJ’s tweets, how they sang old songs knowing who had which part, how they missed having the five of them being there together…
“-and I’m sorry,” Yunho finished, finally deflating after approximately ninety minutes.
Yoochun smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. This really wasn’t meant for his ears. He could hear the unspoken name. It was Yunho’s message to Jaejoong that Jaejoong refused to hear. Yoochun almost felt like he was stealing.
But it felt so nice to know his leader had so many regrets, so many that mirrored his own. It felt amazing to know fuck, we weren’t the only ones scared shitless. While it was common sense that both sides suffered, it was different to hear it.
See it to believe it, but at this moment, hearing it was probably even better.
So Yoochun did something that every YunJae fangirl would approve. He set up an ‘accidental’ meeting. However, he did realize that if this meeting went wrong, his soul mate had every justification to never talk to Yoochun ever again. Still, he wanted this to work. He hoped Yunho knew what to say and how to say it.
“Don’t screw up.”
“Thank you.”
“Hyung, this won’t be the last call, will it?” he joked, but his heart shook.
“Of course not,” the other answered and it felt good to hear his hyung laugh. The only thing better would be able to see the man’s smile, but at the moment, this was enough.
This was the first step of reconciliation, wasn’t it?
And a sick little voice in his head would answer: “But that’s from the Yunho you knew and you don’t know him anymore. The years can and have changed him.”
---
Shim Changmin sat very quietly on his bed, staring at the number on his phone.
His thumb hovered over the call button, wavering. It came closer only to retreat. It touched the cool plastic then jerked back as though burned.
There was no point. There really wasn’t. If his call with Junsu-hyung was any indication, then there is no doubt that calling Jaejoong-hyung would result in the same cold rejection. So there was no point in trying, h He tried to convince himself, without much success.
“I’m having a conflict,” he said out loud.
“You are?” came the unexpected joking reply. “I couldn’t tell with you staring glumly at your phone all day.”
“Hyung,” Changmin almost whined. Almost because men don’t whine.
For a moment, the younger stared at the beaming smile and flashing white teeth dumbly. It had been quite a while since his hyung had looked so happy.
Ever since Jaejoong began ignoring the other’s calls, Yunho had been in a somewhat permanent slump. Sure he was working hard but when the cameras were off and the audience left, his good mood would escape almost immediately. And Changming had seen the unshed tears behind those strong eyes.
Yunho’s guilt had hit him hard. The guilt didn’t hit Changmin as hard until he called his formerly most playful hyung. That’s went it started for him and since then, it hadn’t been a comfy trip.
However, seeing the other so happy and giggly made Changmin suspicious.
“Did he pick up?” Changmin asked and the answer reflected on Yunho’s face. Nope. But the smile came back again, less happy but just as hopeful.
“No, but I got through to Yoochun last night.”
“Oh, okay,” Changmin said slowly. This couldn’t be the answer. Sure, that was great, no offense to Yoochun-hyung, but that couldn’t have been the only reason the leader was so ecstatic.
“And he’s getting Jaejoong to meet me,” Yunho answered with some triumph.
“…are you serious?” Changmin asked.
“Yes, he’s getting Jaejoongie to the old hair salon alone,” Yunho continued, mistaking his younger’s tone of fear for apprehension. “He’ll be walking alone with a disguise, but I’ve always been able to see through them. Actually, most people are able to see through them.”
Changmin was about to interrupt and voice his rational and reasonable logic to why Yunho shouldn’t go, but the way Yunho seemed to breath life into that one little word made him stop.
Jaejoongie.
So he bit his lip and watched his hyung walk out the door in a black hoodie and large sunglasses.
This was going to be a disaster.
Jaejoong was usually an angel. He would forgive and forget any offense below harming his family. However, when Jaejoong-hyung was enraged, you give him his time and don’t try anything stupid. You allow the man to simmer down or else the hell he’d give you would make you run willingly to the devil.
And this was exactly what Yunho and Yoochun were not doing.
It hadn’t even been a week. Let Kim Jaejoong be, Changmin would have said. He would have said that it was stupid and absolutely idiotic that Yunho was trying to meet the said man right now. He hasn’t forgive you, Changmin would argue. He’s probably still mad or hurt or a combination of both and you’d be the last person he wants to see or hear from! Don’t try to appease these YunJae fangirls because they will be the least of your concerns when Kim Jaejoong gets through with you!
But when Yunho had turned toward him with that smile and that name on his lips, Changmin couldn’t bring himself to knock that sense into his hyung.
Finally pressing down on the call button, he hopes for the best.
“Is this Jaejoong-hyung?”
---
His hyung had asked him to wait for a package, a very important package that he wouldn’t trust with just anyone.
So that was why Kim Junsu was sitting in his hyung’s living room, singing some popular tunes and watching the news. Jaejoong-hyung had left to get a quick cut after Yoochun commented on the length. Yoochun had recommended the old place they used to frequent pre-debut and a while after they debuted.
Junsu thought it was odd that Yoochun was sentimental for once. Usually the man kept it inside or just left it aside. So when Yoochun kept talking about TVXQ and their memories as five, Junsu did his best to follow and not feel too bitter. But the conversation with Changmin was still crystal clear in his mind.
At first, Junsu thought the ringing he heard was from the television, but on second inspection, it was from the cell phone device his hyung apparently left behind. Whether on accident or on purpose, Junsu couldn’t really guess, but he went over to inspect the caller ID.
Shim Changmin <3
Freezing in his awkward half crouched half straining position, Junsu stayed and finally choose to reach for the phone.
With trembling hands-was it anger or fear?-Junsu pressed the accept.
“Is this Jaejoong-hyung?” the familiar voice asked.
Junsu didn’t answer. His voice finally died on him. For all his previous calm and rational actions, he couldn’t make a sound much less answer.
“It’s Changmin…I’m sorry but I have to tell you something,” the voice continued after a slight pause. “Don’t go to the salon today. Just don’t. And if you do, drive or something, go with the other members, go with your manager, okay? Just don’t go alone.”
Junsu felt his heart beat faster. Jaejoong had left, planning to reach his destination by foot and alone.
“Well, unless, I mean, unless you want to see him,” the other fumbled with his words. “I mean, well, Yoochun-hyung and Yunho-hyung, they sort of…planned an ‘accidental’ meeting.”
Dead silence.
“Well, I would have stopped him but Yunho-hyung was so happy to finally see you that I really couldn’t-”
“Changmin, did you say Yoochun?” Junsu asked, finally finding his voice in something akin to anger.
“…Junsu-hyung?”
The phone fell plush on the sofa and Junsu ran out the door.
Junsu sprinted down to his car and called one Park Yoochun who was now in deep shit.
---
Yoochun almost panicked when he got Junsu’s call. All the sputtering and hissing like a mad cat ended up making the man laugh instead.
“This is not funny Park Yoochun,” the other man hissed. “You knew what hyung was going through and you planned this?! We both know that he needed some time to himself. We both knew that-”
“More than anything he needed Yunho-hyung,” Yoochun interrupted swiftly. “He needs this.”
The other line lapsed in silence. The only way Yoochun knew the other hadn’t hung up was the sounds of the car in the background.
“Fine,” Junsu said, almost in defeat. “Fine, but if anything goes wrong, I had nothing to do with this.”
“How did you find out anyways?” Yoochun asked.
“…Changmin,” the other whispered. “He called Jaejoong-hyung, but hyung left his cell at home.”
“…Junsu, where are you right now?”
“About two minutes away from your house. I think I’m going back ‘cause hyung-”
“No, come and pick me up. We need to make sure nothing happens.”
“Ah, I’ll be there.”
It wasn’t that Yoochun thought Changmin was stupid enough to tell their SM staff about this, but whether they liked it or not, all five of them were very public figures. It was probably a stupid idea to let them meet at a public area, but it might be a nice gauge of their true feelings.
If Yunho-hyung were sincere, he wouldn’t back down just because they were in public. But if Jaejoong-hyung were still angry, he wouldn’t refrain from punching the other man just because they were in public.
And that’s really where the problem was.
---
It had been a nice change to walk out in public without people staring.
There was a tactic they used to do when they were five. They would wear something very specific every time they went out in public. Something that fans would identify them with. And on their off days, they would wear the exact opposite which would throw most of the fans off for a while.
So lately, Jaejoong choose to go with very sharp and stylish clothing, ripped jeans, low V-necks, tight blazer, etc. Through their dramas, their concerts and their photo books, Jaejoong embodied a women’s prayer: sexy, masculine, and stylish. (Well, oddly but cutely dorky and like a five year old at times too, but that wasn’t the point.)
So today, he was toned down with an oversized grey hoodie and dark grey sweats. His bangs were flat on his forehead and tinted shades covered his eyes. He didn’t do too much to disguise himself but with all his hype on style, this would probably attract less attention.
Well, it worked most of the time, but even back then, he was the most recognizable. He only saw three or four stalker fans with their camera flash turned off. So he was still in the safe zone.
Maybe Junsu can pick me up later, he thought to himself and automatically reached for his handheld. It was after a couple of self pat downs that he realized he forgot his phone at home. Maybe it had been an unconscious decision. Maybe he just doesn’t want to risk picking up his calls. Or maybe he was just an idiot who owns four different phones but forgets to bring any.
Sighing at his own stupidity, Jaejoong mutters to himself, “When did I become so forgetful?”
“I thought that was my job,” a (familiar) voice said quietly next to him.
Jaejoong froze.
No, no, nonononono, don’t let it be…
“Jaejoong-ah,” the voice continued. A (familiar) hand gently touched his shoulder. “Please…”
…what? Please what? Please don’t leave? Please listen to you? Please don’t hurt you? Please answer your calls? Please talk to you? Please what!
It must have been an awkward sight, Jaejoong thinks. Two people standing in the middle of the sidewalk, not facing each other. So he turns his head.
And immediately regrets the decision.
If he thought ignoring the man’s calls made his heart clench, Kim Jaejoong didn’t know how he was going to walk away from Jung Yunho in blood and flesh.
---
Yunho had stood next to the telephone pole for a good twenty minutes before his target came waltzing by. He actually didn’t know what to expect. Would he attempt a bad disguise with all his charisma and fashion intact? Or would he do what they used to? Dress in a hoodie and sweat pants?
When he strode by at first, it took Yunho a moment to react. The only exposure he had to the other was through public media. Basically, he either saw the polished version of Kim Jaejoong or nothing at all.
This casual look was very new. Oversized hoodie and baggy sweats of one color had never been Jaejoong’s usual wear. If he went for casual clothes, Jaejoong always seemed to find some Hello Kitty version of it or some alien blob looking animals version or just something beyond solid colors.
So he tailed the man for a block before speeding up slightly to catch up. It was a little amusing to see that Yunho could still read the other quite easily.
Jaejoong still favors his left leg to his right. Jaejoong still hunched slightly to the right as if to compensate. Jaejoong still walks languidly whenever he’s alone. Jaejoong still periodically lifts his head up as though his destination actually lie in the skies above.
The man seemed to realize something and patted his pockets all around. Probably to find his cell phone or wallet, but when his hands came to an awkward stop, Yunho barely stifled a laugh, Jaejoong probably forgot whatever he had been looking for.
As he got closer, he heard the man’s muttering, “When did I become so forgetful?”
When their shoulders almost bumped, Yunho responded playfully, “I thought that was my job.”
Jaejoong froze immediately, forcing Yunho to use his own emergency brake or else end up ahead of the other. With the shades, Jaejoong was unreadable. Those eyes that usually gave so much away were covered and tinted. So Yunho could only continue on, hoping for the best.
“Jaejoong-ah,” Yunho started. He placed a comforting hand on Jaejoong’s shoulder, only to feel the other tense up under his touch. “Please…”
The plea died on his lips when a suddenly a rush of bitterness came to him. He shut himself down before something he would regret came out. But his mind was at war.
Why am I the only one apologizing? Why am I the only one taking all the blame? I made some bad decisions, sure, but ignoring my calls and now ignoring me in person. I had my hard moments in SM. Just because you had it hard doesn’t mean we had it any easier!
And the bitterness built as Jaejoong continued to face directly ahead.
Please…what did I want? Please forgive me? Please turn around? Please acknowledge my existence? Please don’t be retarded? Please, this is the only chance we have to make this right because I have no idea when SM will ease off again so let’s not screw up?
And just when Yunho opened his mouth to let it all spill, Jaejoong turned.
They were close enough that Yunho could see his own reflection in those dark glasses. He remembers a time when the other’s dark brown eyes reflected him and all the love and adoration Yunho never thought existed in one person. Those memories soothed away some of his irritation, not by much, but enough that he held his tongue.
Thank god, because after another pause, Jaejoong spoke, “What are you doing here?”
“You’ve been ignoring my calls,” Yunho answers.
“Isn’t this what you sacrificed to be where you’re at today?” came the bitter response.
“Jaejoongie, you know what I meant by that,” came the calm and soothing reply.
For some odd reason, hearing Jaejoong’s bitterness brought down Yunho’s quite a lot. Seeing the other man agitated to such an extent calmed Yunho down. Yunho didn’t enjoy the other’s negative emotions but he’s always been sensitive to other’s vulnerabilities and adjusts himself accordingly.
So when Jaejoong shrugs off Yunho’s hand and continues walking, Yunho merely follows passively. First it began with speed walking, just Jaejoong trying to get away and Yunho trying to keep up. By the time they were half way down the block, Jaejoong was sprinting and Yunho was following.
Almost like children, they engaged in a foot race. They ran past the hair salon. Jaejoong’s original goal was forgotten and Yunho’s original goal was not yet achieved.
Their long limbs brought them to a small but busy intersection. It was then Jaejoong finally turned and addressed Yunho in harsh, ragged whispers. For the time of day, it was rather loud but Yunho heard the other’s voice just fine.
“I don’t,” Jaejoong breathed, catching his breath. “Actually I don’t. I don’t know what you meant by that.”
Yunho doesn’t respond because he knows Jaejoong’s not finished.
“How could you say that?” the other hisses. “Even if it was scripted, I can’t believe you actually denounced us like that. Like we were just stepping stones for your brighter and better future.”
Yunho still waits but takes a step closer, Jaejoong doesn’t move back.
“How could you say ‘the sacrifices’ were worth it?!” the man’s voice beginning to climb in volume. “Was it, Yunho-yah? Was it worth it? You’re pretty successful right now. So was it worth ignoring our calls, lying to our fans, and severing us for the past, what, two, three years?”
Yunho takes a couple confident steps towards the man, knowing the other won’t back away now. Now that Yunho stood only a foot away from Jaejoong, Jaejoong’s voice dropped back into a whisper:
“What am I to you?”
Yunho reached over, to pull the man into an embrace or just take the other’s hand in his he doesn’t know, but Jaejoong violently jerked away.
“You know what? Never mind, I probably don’t want to hear the answer anyways.”
Completely ignoring the traffic lights, Jaejoong started across one of the busy streets, making his way quickly across the traffic.
And Yunho didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have a verbal answer to Jaejoong’s question. So if he chased, what would he say afterwards? Nothing he could say would convey what he felt. But if he didn’t, would he have another chance like this again?
So he followed across.
From the other end of the street, Jaejoong turned as if to see whether Yunho followed or not. And Jaejoong’s lips opened into an ‘o’ was the last thing he saw before blacking out.
He doesn’t even feel himself fall on the floor.
---
---
A/N: The beginning of this piece is actually rather old...haha, I don't think my writing style has changed too much but it has been a while since I've done such a fully fleshed out piece instead of one-shots/drabbles...so I apologize if any of the segments seem too disconnected, I've just been used to writing short pieces haha...