Therapy
I didn't write about this before because everything was fresh and confusing but my mind is less clouded now, and things changed a bit in the last few months.
I don't think I ever mentioned it here, but some years ago I suffered a serious panic attack, which was triggered by many causes (more than academic ones). It was a shocking crisis in my life, that made the gears that kept me going on to suddently stop. It shows in many things, but mainly, a strong feeling of distress that makes your chest and throat ache. It's like a mirror that shatters and everything you ever believed made no sense at all. The world and life itself lost almost all value.
At that time, I embarked in therapy, but I made a very big mistake. I interrupted as soon as that distress disappeared. Of course, life was meaningful and all that again, but the deeper things that were in my subconscious stood there, unearthed. I tried to start anew, but I kept failing. I couldn't focus on things, I gradually kept losing interest on things. I myself isolated from the cruel world that offered nothing for me...
... until it all exploded again. The same feelings. The same horrible feelings. The same ache.
So, I decided to start therapy again (Psychological and psychiatric). The distress is gone and I feel much less depressed but I still have a long way to go. I started to change some bad habits of me, like spending too much time on the computer, staying awake all night doing nothing. I try to go out more and fight boredom by doing different things. I'm on antidepressants and will be for a long while, I'm afraid, but I'm in no condition to terminate my psychiatric treatment all out of the sudden (and it's not recommended either).
I need to rediscover myself. My true self is below a series of layers that I constructed around it, and my job is to try to remove them to see who really I am. I need to recover the fire that made me do great things in the past. I need to learn to appreciate myself better and to live not only in my head but in the outside too. Half internal, half external, my psychologist said.
Gloomy feelings appear from time to time in my mind, which sometimes I can't control, but I'm sure it won't be like this for ever. It has to change. It will change. I need to rewire my brain and start looking at things from a different perspective.
I have abandoned some of you, friends, and I apologize for that, but the real problem is that I abandoned myself, a long time ago, and I need to go and find me again. Give me the strenght to go on. I don't want to fall back. I want to go on.
I don't think I ever mentioned it here, but some years ago I suffered a serious panic attack, which was triggered by many causes (more than academic ones). It was a shocking crisis in my life, that made the gears that kept me going on to suddently stop. It shows in many things, but mainly, a strong feeling of distress that makes your chest and throat ache. It's like a mirror that shatters and everything you ever believed made no sense at all. The world and life itself lost almost all value.
At that time, I embarked in therapy, but I made a very big mistake. I interrupted as soon as that distress disappeared. Of course, life was meaningful and all that again, but the deeper things that were in my subconscious stood there, unearthed. I tried to start anew, but I kept failing. I couldn't focus on things, I gradually kept losing interest on things. I myself isolated from the cruel world that offered nothing for me...
... until it all exploded again. The same feelings. The same horrible feelings. The same ache.
So, I decided to start therapy again (Psychological and psychiatric). The distress is gone and I feel much less depressed but I still have a long way to go. I started to change some bad habits of me, like spending too much time on the computer, staying awake all night doing nothing. I try to go out more and fight boredom by doing different things. I'm on antidepressants and will be for a long while, I'm afraid, but I'm in no condition to terminate my psychiatric treatment all out of the sudden (and it's not recommended either).
I need to rediscover myself. My true self is below a series of layers that I constructed around it, and my job is to try to remove them to see who really I am. I need to recover the fire that made me do great things in the past. I need to learn to appreciate myself better and to live not only in my head but in the outside too. Half internal, half external, my psychologist said.
Gloomy feelings appear from time to time in my mind, which sometimes I can't control, but I'm sure it won't be like this for ever. It has to change. It will change. I need to rewire my brain and start looking at things from a different perspective.
I have abandoned some of you, friends, and I apologize for that, but the real problem is that I abandoned myself, a long time ago, and I need to go and find me again. Give me the strenght to go on. I don't want to fall back. I want to go on.