Pandora box...
Haven't written anything in a long time. For the past 2 weeks or so, had alot alot of things going on in my mind and I was on a rollercoaster. And the ride doesn't seem to be ending yet and I thought it should be meaningful to capture some of these feelings before I totally forget them.
Loneliness
Being alone is not scary at all. In fact, you can be alone and not feel lonely. The most terrible and scariest thing that can happen is that you are among alot of people and yet the extreme feeling of loneliness surrounds you. I had a bout of this in the past week. When you feel that no one in the world understands you, no one knows what you are feeling or have any idea what is going through your head. And you are totally not in the mood to explain. You wish there is an outlet, but there is none. You only have yourself. This loneliness is painful, cold, silent. You cry but there is no tears. Pain and you cannot shout out and there is no way of easing except to wait for it to go away...
Curiosity
I have been exceptionally curious to lead another kind of life than what I am having now. I wonder how it feels like to be one of those people who frequent nightspots every other day. When I was young, I wanted to try but I did not. And now, I am out of that age, and suddenly I want to try. Whether eventually I do it or not is irrelevant because I am only curious. I know I will not want to lead that kind of life with every other day waking up in hangover. Just wanna try. And yet I do not have the guts nor do I know how to. I cannot drink very well, hate getting drunk but yet want to remain high. And I cannot dance for nuts. If only there is a virtual program that allows you to upload yourself into just for the experience. I hope one of these nights, I can have such a real dream of me being one of those nightspotters that can satisfy my curiosity. Hopefully, this curiosity dies off, otherwise let me have the guts to try it out one of these days.
Direction
Been thinking about my direction in life quite a bit. Current status that I am in : Lost. Totally lost. I do not know where I am heading in life and I do not even know what I want. Been trying to know myself better so that I can find my direction. I need it, I hate being lost, especially I am expecting big decisions to be made soon.
Memories
I never thought I would miss it. School life. Been contacted by old schoolmates for a reunion dinner in my secondary school. Time flies, it had been 10 years since I graduated from there. I really wish I can make it for the dinner but I might be heading to Las Vegas around that time. But nothing's firm yet so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
But this reunion thingy had brought about many many recollection of my life as a student. I missed out alot of stuff. All from Sec Sch to JC and right through Uni life. Though going through it again might not be possible, but somehow I long for the youth once again. I feel jaded and tired now. This is a little too soon, I know I had only been working for 1 year. But I guess that is related to the above reason. I am lost in life. In sec sch, my aim is to get into JC. In JC, to get As so that I can make it into Chem Eng. And in Uni, my aim is to graduate. So now, graduated and all, what am I aiming for? Everything else seems pretty impossible to achieve. And I do not know what I want let alone what to aim.
Spoken enough. That's it for now.