The Good With the Bad, the Happy With the Sad
I think my initial high of being back at school has been lost. I feel lower today than any other thus far. It could be because of class from 9:30-4 straight today with barely time to go to the bathroom. I really don't know. I'm in a somewhat decent place with my homework right now, but I am scared to death of this semester. I can already tell its going to beat me up. This may be the hardest academic semester I will have here. Scary.
Things with Ben are fine. Good, even. We are happy. But I'm still scared to death. Some times I feel like crying when I think about people like summer boy, or especially bio. He literally still will not speak to me. It crushes me inside, kills me. What we had was so happy. It was innocent pure and fun. I guess we hadnt been together long enough to encounter any bad. It ended for no obvious reason. I do not get it and I cannot figure it out. I wish he would explain it to me. All I really want is to know and understand. Like an idiot I went back and re read journal entries of when I adored him. He really did treat me quite well. Although he didnt give me tons of attention, when he did, he treated me perfectly. He constantly called me beautiful and said cute things. Some girl will be really lucky some day. I missed out. I still honestly beleive we needed more time and we had more to go. I asked and asked him how he felt because b was knocking on my door. I gave him one last chance. But he had no interest in me back. Then he stopped speaking to me. So I guess he was done, he didnt feel like there was more to go. I'll probably always wonder. It burns inside when I walk by him and he still wont speak. I want to stare at him. I still think he is extremely attractive and good looking. I'd bet a lot on the fact that he still can't deny that same thing for me. The next time proximity works out, I want to say hi to him. I know that will do nothing. He won't continue into a converstation, he won't say hi the next time. He'll probably just think im desperate or something. Well maybe I am. But only desperate to be friends with someone who meant so much to me. And at one point, I meant a lot to him too. I do have one role in his life that can never be taken away. and he wanted it that way. but at this point, thats about all I have for meaning in his life. and it hurts. I wish I had the ability to not let it get to me. For a while I thought I did. But maybe I just need more time. But honestly, I think I'll feel this way until I get closure. Closure I do deserve.
I don't know what is sparking this moody little entry. I'm stressed to death about the teaching assistant position. I want it so bad but can't make it fit into my damn schedule. I'm so sick of dealing with it. But I need this. I miss home. and the rube even. and my doggy. i love it here, but i miss the simplicity of summer really. I'm stressed to death about organic chemistry and my classes. Sometimes I honestly wonder what the heck I am doing being a pre-health major. I sure hope this is all worth it in the end. I need to get into a routine. I should have gone to the gym or something. I don't really know.
I want the teaching assistant position to work out. I want bio to speak to me again. I want to know I will survive and do decently in organic chemistry. At least all of those things are possible.....with varying degrees of likely.
Things with Ben are fine. Good, even. We are happy. But I'm still scared to death. Some times I feel like crying when I think about people like summer boy, or especially bio. He literally still will not speak to me. It crushes me inside, kills me. What we had was so happy. It was innocent pure and fun. I guess we hadnt been together long enough to encounter any bad. It ended for no obvious reason. I do not get it and I cannot figure it out. I wish he would explain it to me. All I really want is to know and understand. Like an idiot I went back and re read journal entries of when I adored him. He really did treat me quite well. Although he didnt give me tons of attention, when he did, he treated me perfectly. He constantly called me beautiful and said cute things. Some girl will be really lucky some day. I missed out. I still honestly beleive we needed more time and we had more to go. I asked and asked him how he felt because b was knocking on my door. I gave him one last chance. But he had no interest in me back. Then he stopped speaking to me. So I guess he was done, he didnt feel like there was more to go. I'll probably always wonder. It burns inside when I walk by him and he still wont speak. I want to stare at him. I still think he is extremely attractive and good looking. I'd bet a lot on the fact that he still can't deny that same thing for me. The next time proximity works out, I want to say hi to him. I know that will do nothing. He won't continue into a converstation, he won't say hi the next time. He'll probably just think im desperate or something. Well maybe I am. But only desperate to be friends with someone who meant so much to me. And at one point, I meant a lot to him too. I do have one role in his life that can never be taken away. and he wanted it that way. but at this point, thats about all I have for meaning in his life. and it hurts. I wish I had the ability to not let it get to me. For a while I thought I did. But maybe I just need more time. But honestly, I think I'll feel this way until I get closure. Closure I do deserve.
I don't know what is sparking this moody little entry. I'm stressed to death about the teaching assistant position. I want it so bad but can't make it fit into my damn schedule. I'm so sick of dealing with it. But I need this. I miss home. and the rube even. and my doggy. i love it here, but i miss the simplicity of summer really. I'm stressed to death about organic chemistry and my classes. Sometimes I honestly wonder what the heck I am doing being a pre-health major. I sure hope this is all worth it in the end. I need to get into a routine. I should have gone to the gym or something. I don't really know.
I want the teaching assistant position to work out. I want bio to speak to me again. I want to know I will survive and do decently in organic chemistry. At least all of those things are possible.....with varying degrees of likely.