Naked and Famous (TTv3/Good Omens), by Apathy
I wrote this for roachspit over at fic_orphanage's Defabricathon... and, well, I think it belongs here, too. ;)
Current Titans, PG-13, crack, don't own, et cetera. Vague Good Omens crossover. Doesn't really fit in with the other DCU/GO crossovers.
Well. There have probably been stranger missions, but not many.
Kon double-checks that he is, in fact, still wearing his uniform. Most of the others didn't fare so well. The ceiling and floor have suddenly become a whole lot more interesting to all involved. Showering together is one thing, but this is new. Unexpected.
To put it mildly.
He carefully searches the walls for a light switch, and can't find one. Damn.
'So.'
That's Cassie, who looks like she's torn between the need to cover up, and an urge to stand proud. He bets Wonder Woman wouldn't think twice about fighting naked, if the need arose.
Not thinking about that. More important issues at stake. Naked girlfriend standing next to him. Naked teammates everywhere. Tim's carefully cloaked in the shadows, despite the abundance of irritatingly cheerful fluorescent lighting. Kon really needs to find out how he does that.
'Why did it have to be us?' Mia mutters to Cassie. 'Cyborg and Beast Boy wouldn't've had any problems with this jerk.'
'And Kory probably wouldn't even have noticed.' Cassie strikes a dramatic pose, furrowing her brow and raising her voice. 'For the glory of Tamaran!'
Despite his better judgement, Kon pulls off his shirt and tosses it over to Cassie, followed by his jeans. He's never been so glad to have not gone commando. She smiles gratefully.
Before he can blink, Mia has an armful of Kid Flash costume, and Bart's butt-naked.
'Uh.' Mia looks like she's half-tempted to give it back to him; she seems less self-conscious than the others.
Half-tempted.
'Hey, it's no problem - I can vibrate enough to keep myself blurred, if anyone's got any issues. And the human body is something that should be celebrated, anyhow, although this probably isn't the best time for it. Hey, did you know that King Edward VIII - '
'Thanks, Bart.' She slips the outfit on quickly. It looks good on her, and Kon finds himself averting his eyes again, because damn, this whole situation is just messing with his head.
Tim's arm keeps on twitching, like he's trying not to reach for a batarang. 'We don't have anything. Even the communicators are gone, which means we can't call for backup. And we don't have anything to tie the... Defabricator... up with, so we have to make sure that he stays unconscious.' One corner of his mouth curves upwards ever-so-slightly at the name.
They should probably be working out what they're going to do next, but Kon suddenly remembers something. Those prophecies. The ones that so far only Bart's had time to read all the way through.
'Bart. Did you know this was going to happen?'
'... Maybe.'
Cassie almost explodes. 'And what, you didn't think it was important? When were you going to tell us?'
'I'm not about to mess with what's supposed to happen! We shouldn't even have read those prophecies!'
Bart sounds... odd. Like he's trying to cover something up.
So to speak.
As much as he'd love to dig for Bart's real motivations, they've got bigger worries at the moment. He can hear reporters squabbling at the sole entrance to the Defabricator's underground bunker. Great.
Cassie and Mia are comparing uniforms. He's going to pretend that he can't see them strutting around and posturing. Bart has his arm casually around Tim's shoulders, rambling on about solidarity or something. Tim's apparently doing his best to become one with the wall.
'Um. Guys. Maybe we should think about how we're going to get out of here?'
Tim nods. 'Superboy's right. The reporters will be here any minute - '
'They already are,' Kon interrupts helpfully. 'They've got the place surrounded, and a bunch of them are trying to break down the door.'
' - The reporters are already here, and we can't get out without going through them. Bart, can you vibrate through the door before they see anything, and get us out of here?'
'No way!' Bart looks horrified, and slightly squeamish.
Mia raises an eyebrow. 'Why not? It's not like anyone would see. And even if they did, they'd see a whole lot less that way than if they burst in here and started taking photos.'
Bart shakes his head vehemently, hair blurring. 'It'd chaf- uh, my feet would get all cut up.'
Kon does not smirk. That would be immature. He does, however, try to plan another way out. Maybe if he and Cassie pushed the reporters back from the door, fought their way out, kept Tim and Bart shielded from view until they could get clear enough to fly away... nah, too much bad publicity.
They're screwed.
Would it really be so bad if he used his heat vision? Just a little?
' - And then we fall over on top of each other in the middle of peak-hour traffic. Can't you just see the headlines: Gay Superhero Teens Exposed! What would Batman say? What would - '
'Hey. Hey.' Cassie gives him a quick hug - side-on, eyes carefully ahead - and ruffles his hair. 'It's okay. We'll work something out.'
'I hate to be the one to say it, but I don't think we have any other options. Even if the others find us, we'll still be faced with the same problem.' Even naked, Robin displays more calm and logic than the rest of them put together. It's freaky, yet reassuring; Robin in leadership mode is a universal constant that outweighs many otherwise brain-breaking things, such as spontaneous team nudity.
'Okay.' Kon tries to wrap his brain around it all. 'Bart, do you think you'd be able to make one run to the Tower without too much trouble? Not back here, or anything - just to the Tower.'
Bart looks dubious. After the briefest of pauses, he nods.
'Okay, how about I put my clothes back on, and go talk to the media? That should provide enough distraction for you to vibrate out through the ground around the back, here.'
Cassie leers, her hand making its way down his back. 'I think you'd provide a better distraction without the uniform.'
He doesn't swat her over the head that hard. Well, maybe he does, but she can take it.
Bart frowns. 'But... what about you guys? You'll be stuck here.'
'You can send the others to come back for us. With clothes. And stuff to tie up the Defabricator with.' He nudges the Defabricator with his toe. Still out cold. Thank God. They'll never live this one down if word gets out to the supervillain community.
Mia rolls her eyes. 'I think we're missing the obvious answer, here.' She starts to tug at her gloves.
'No! I mean - it's okay. I'll be fine.' That strange attitude again. Almost evasive. Kon is so going to work out what's going on with Bart, once they're out of this mess.
'Well, at least take the damned boots.'
Bart seems to accept that, and Cassie gets to work removing the boots from Mia's costume. Bart's. Whatever. She hands them over, and Bart puts them on.
The overall effect is... um. Kon may have to bleach his eyes when he gets back. There are some things man was simply never meant to see.
'Once you get back to the Tower, you can grab our clothes and bring them back here.'
Kon pauses; it sounds like the reporters are making a concerted effort to kick the door in. Actually, it sounds more like a battering ram. He wouldn't put it past them. 'I think we should go double-check that the door's secure.'
'I'm on it.' The words are barely out of Cassie's mouth before she's gone.
Bart sighs. 'Guess I am, too.'
Kon claps him on the shoulder. 'Sometimes, you've got to take one for the team. Be a man.'
'Yeah, laugh it up.'
Tim shakes Bart's hand, mock-serious. 'Good luck, and godspeed.'
Bart grins, and disappears through the wall.
*
The Tower is quiet; Gar and Vic are watching TV, and everyone else seems to have turned in for the night.
Kon removes the book of prophecy from its protective storage, and carefully turns the pages until he finds today's date.
Sure enough - Defabricator, gratuitous nudity, the works. As far as he can tell, anyhow. Ye Olde Englysshe has never been one of his strengths.
There's an extra little something at the bottom of the page. He peers closer.
Chivalrye will notte go withoute rewarde.
And suddenly, it all makes perfect sense.
Heh. He never knew Bart had it in him. He'll have to give him more credit in the future, that's for sure.
There's a light touch at his shoulder; he takes off with a yelp, managing to scrabble together enough presence of mind to catch the book with his TTK.
Looking down and around, he sees Cassie on the floor behind him, arms crossed, obviously amused. Kon sheepishly lowers himself to the floor, placing the book carefully upon the table.
'Sorry; didn't hear you come in.'
'I noticed.'
She's still wearing the Superboy outfit. He hadn't noticed before how low the jeans hang on her.
'Um.'
She pulls him close, walking the fingers of one hand slowly up his chest. Standing on tiptoe, she whispers into his ear.
'You know, I really appreciate what you did for me today. With the clothes, and all.'
'Ah.'
'However, I think I like them even better on you. They're not really my style.'
She undoes the top button of the jeans. Slowly. Torturously.
Kon makes a mental note to read that prophecy book in detail.
Later.
Current Titans, PG-13, crack, don't own, et cetera. Vague Good Omens crossover. Doesn't really fit in with the other DCU/GO crossovers.
Well. There have probably been stranger missions, but not many.
Kon double-checks that he is, in fact, still wearing his uniform. Most of the others didn't fare so well. The ceiling and floor have suddenly become a whole lot more interesting to all involved. Showering together is one thing, but this is new. Unexpected.
To put it mildly.
He carefully searches the walls for a light switch, and can't find one. Damn.
'So.'
That's Cassie, who looks like she's torn between the need to cover up, and an urge to stand proud. He bets Wonder Woman wouldn't think twice about fighting naked, if the need arose.
Not thinking about that. More important issues at stake. Naked girlfriend standing next to him. Naked teammates everywhere. Tim's carefully cloaked in the shadows, despite the abundance of irritatingly cheerful fluorescent lighting. Kon really needs to find out how he does that.
'Why did it have to be us?' Mia mutters to Cassie. 'Cyborg and Beast Boy wouldn't've had any problems with this jerk.'
'And Kory probably wouldn't even have noticed.' Cassie strikes a dramatic pose, furrowing her brow and raising her voice. 'For the glory of Tamaran!'
Despite his better judgement, Kon pulls off his shirt and tosses it over to Cassie, followed by his jeans. He's never been so glad to have not gone commando. She smiles gratefully.
Before he can blink, Mia has an armful of Kid Flash costume, and Bart's butt-naked.
'Uh.' Mia looks like she's half-tempted to give it back to him; she seems less self-conscious than the others.
Half-tempted.
'Hey, it's no problem - I can vibrate enough to keep myself blurred, if anyone's got any issues. And the human body is something that should be celebrated, anyhow, although this probably isn't the best time for it. Hey, did you know that King Edward VIII - '
'Thanks, Bart.' She slips the outfit on quickly. It looks good on her, and Kon finds himself averting his eyes again, because damn, this whole situation is just messing with his head.
Tim's arm keeps on twitching, like he's trying not to reach for a batarang. 'We don't have anything. Even the communicators are gone, which means we can't call for backup. And we don't have anything to tie the... Defabricator... up with, so we have to make sure that he stays unconscious.' One corner of his mouth curves upwards ever-so-slightly at the name.
They should probably be working out what they're going to do next, but Kon suddenly remembers something. Those prophecies. The ones that so far only Bart's had time to read all the way through.
'Bart. Did you know this was going to happen?'
'... Maybe.'
Cassie almost explodes. 'And what, you didn't think it was important? When were you going to tell us?'
'I'm not about to mess with what's supposed to happen! We shouldn't even have read those prophecies!'
Bart sounds... odd. Like he's trying to cover something up.
So to speak.
As much as he'd love to dig for Bart's real motivations, they've got bigger worries at the moment. He can hear reporters squabbling at the sole entrance to the Defabricator's underground bunker. Great.
Cassie and Mia are comparing uniforms. He's going to pretend that he can't see them strutting around and posturing. Bart has his arm casually around Tim's shoulders, rambling on about solidarity or something. Tim's apparently doing his best to become one with the wall.
'Um. Guys. Maybe we should think about how we're going to get out of here?'
Tim nods. 'Superboy's right. The reporters will be here any minute - '
'They already are,' Kon interrupts helpfully. 'They've got the place surrounded, and a bunch of them are trying to break down the door.'
' - The reporters are already here, and we can't get out without going through them. Bart, can you vibrate through the door before they see anything, and get us out of here?'
'No way!' Bart looks horrified, and slightly squeamish.
Mia raises an eyebrow. 'Why not? It's not like anyone would see. And even if they did, they'd see a whole lot less that way than if they burst in here and started taking photos.'
Bart shakes his head vehemently, hair blurring. 'It'd chaf- uh, my feet would get all cut up.'
Kon does not smirk. That would be immature. He does, however, try to plan another way out. Maybe if he and Cassie pushed the reporters back from the door, fought their way out, kept Tim and Bart shielded from view until they could get clear enough to fly away... nah, too much bad publicity.
They're screwed.
Would it really be so bad if he used his heat vision? Just a little?
' - And then we fall over on top of each other in the middle of peak-hour traffic. Can't you just see the headlines: Gay Superhero Teens Exposed! What would Batman say? What would - '
'Hey. Hey.' Cassie gives him a quick hug - side-on, eyes carefully ahead - and ruffles his hair. 'It's okay. We'll work something out.'
'I hate to be the one to say it, but I don't think we have any other options. Even if the others find us, we'll still be faced with the same problem.' Even naked, Robin displays more calm and logic than the rest of them put together. It's freaky, yet reassuring; Robin in leadership mode is a universal constant that outweighs many otherwise brain-breaking things, such as spontaneous team nudity.
'Okay.' Kon tries to wrap his brain around it all. 'Bart, do you think you'd be able to make one run to the Tower without too much trouble? Not back here, or anything - just to the Tower.'
Bart looks dubious. After the briefest of pauses, he nods.
'Okay, how about I put my clothes back on, and go talk to the media? That should provide enough distraction for you to vibrate out through the ground around the back, here.'
Cassie leers, her hand making its way down his back. 'I think you'd provide a better distraction without the uniform.'
He doesn't swat her over the head that hard. Well, maybe he does, but she can take it.
Bart frowns. 'But... what about you guys? You'll be stuck here.'
'You can send the others to come back for us. With clothes. And stuff to tie up the Defabricator with.' He nudges the Defabricator with his toe. Still out cold. Thank God. They'll never live this one down if word gets out to the supervillain community.
Mia rolls her eyes. 'I think we're missing the obvious answer, here.' She starts to tug at her gloves.
'No! I mean - it's okay. I'll be fine.' That strange attitude again. Almost evasive. Kon is so going to work out what's going on with Bart, once they're out of this mess.
'Well, at least take the damned boots.'
Bart seems to accept that, and Cassie gets to work removing the boots from Mia's costume. Bart's. Whatever. She hands them over, and Bart puts them on.
The overall effect is... um. Kon may have to bleach his eyes when he gets back. There are some things man was simply never meant to see.
'Once you get back to the Tower, you can grab our clothes and bring them back here.'
Kon pauses; it sounds like the reporters are making a concerted effort to kick the door in. Actually, it sounds more like a battering ram. He wouldn't put it past them. 'I think we should go double-check that the door's secure.'
'I'm on it.' The words are barely out of Cassie's mouth before she's gone.
Bart sighs. 'Guess I am, too.'
Kon claps him on the shoulder. 'Sometimes, you've got to take one for the team. Be a man.'
'Yeah, laugh it up.'
Tim shakes Bart's hand, mock-serious. 'Good luck, and godspeed.'
Bart grins, and disappears through the wall.
*
The Tower is quiet; Gar and Vic are watching TV, and everyone else seems to have turned in for the night.
Kon removes the book of prophecy from its protective storage, and carefully turns the pages until he finds today's date.
Sure enough - Defabricator, gratuitous nudity, the works. As far as he can tell, anyhow. Ye Olde Englysshe has never been one of his strengths.
There's an extra little something at the bottom of the page. He peers closer.
Chivalrye will notte go withoute rewarde.
And suddenly, it all makes perfect sense.
Heh. He never knew Bart had it in him. He'll have to give him more credit in the future, that's for sure.
There's a light touch at his shoulder; he takes off with a yelp, managing to scrabble together enough presence of mind to catch the book with his TTK.
Looking down and around, he sees Cassie on the floor behind him, arms crossed, obviously amused. Kon sheepishly lowers himself to the floor, placing the book carefully upon the table.
'Sorry; didn't hear you come in.'
'I noticed.'
She's still wearing the Superboy outfit. He hadn't noticed before how low the jeans hang on her.
'Um.'
She pulls him close, walking the fingers of one hand slowly up his chest. Standing on tiptoe, she whispers into his ear.
'You know, I really appreciate what you did for me today. With the clothes, and all.'
'Ah.'
'However, I think I like them even better on you. They're not really my style.'
She undoes the top button of the jeans. Slowly. Torturously.
Kon makes a mental note to read that prophecy book in detail.
Later.