Cruel as the Winter 5a/5
Story: Cruel as the Winter
Author: wmr
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness
Rated: PG13
Disclaimer: Look, if they were mine we'd have had a lot more episodes between The Doctor Dances and Bad Wolf, just put it that way.
Summary: The Doctor seems to have got it a bit wrong. Again.
Written for the Anywhere But Cardiff ficathon on
time_and_chips. Beta-read by the awesome
dark_aegis. Thanks to everyone who stuck with this and commented throughout!
Chapter 1: Cold as Snow l Chapter 2: The Deed and the Plan l Chapter 3: The Judgement of Man l Chapter 4: The Motive That Lieth Below
Chapter 5: By and By
It’s only after she’s yelled her demand that she remembers her conclusion - which the Doctor agreed with - that the Waraks can’t communicate with humans. If their only way of communicating is via telepathy, they won’t understand her, nor she them.
Bit embarrassing, that. Especially with Jack and the Doctor standing right behind her, no doubt wondering if she’s completely lost it.
Still, it made her feel better. Well, just a little.
She’s about to step back inside and close the door - why did she just march out without even thinking about how bloody cold it is out here, and the biting wind that’s cutting through her again, and she doesn’t even have a coat - when it happens.
“Who do you think you are, human, that you attempt to command us?”
She jumps. The harsh, rasping voice came from inside her head.
They did hear her. The Doctor was wrong - they can communicate with her. So why...?
Of course. They can communicate with humans, but they didn’t want to before. It was the Doctor they wanted. They realised he’s a Time Lord and went after him, to punish him, because they hold the Time Lords responsible for their planet’s fate. Now, they’re extending their telepathic abilities to talk to her as well.
A hand lands on her shoulder. She doesn’t need to look around to know that it’s the Doctor. “Rose. Get inside. Now!” He’s frightened for her; she can hear it in his voice. But she’s frightened for him, for what these Waraks have done to him, forcing him to remember stuff he needs to forget.
And the Doctor heard them too just now, didn’t he? Otherwise he wouldn’t have ordered her back inside in quite that tone of voice. So are they broadcasting to all of them now? Did Jack hear them as well?
“I’m all right, Doctor.” She’s not really; she’s freezing cold and terrified, but none of that matters. Raising her voice, she addresses the Waraks again. “I’m a friend of the Doctor’s, like I told you. An’ I’m here to tell you to leave him alone! He’s suffered enough. If it wasn’t for him, nothin’ would exist in this whole universe apart from Daleks. An’ that includes you. You’d be dead.”
An arm is looped around her waist from behind - Jack’s, she realises, glancing down. He pulls her back just a couple of steps before she has time to react. She’s about to protest, then realises what he’s done. He’s pulled her back over the TARDIS’s threshold, where she’s protected from the elements.
“He destroyed our home. Murdered our people.”
“Actually, he didn’t.” That’s Jack; so he is hearing them too. “That was the Daleks. They destroyed Arcadia. It was their ships that made the planet burn. That’s what wiped out your homeworld, right?”
“He destroyed Gallifrey. The aftershocks of that caused ripples through time and space. Many more worlds were destroyed in those ripples. Some species became extinct, and others left homeless. Your Doctor is guilty of multiple genocides. We have seen inside his head. He knows it.”
“An’ hurting him’s going to make it all better, is it? He saved thousands of species. Millions,” she retorts, fury racing through her. The Doctor’s close behind her, his hand still on her shoulder, and she can feel the tension in his body. What must this be doing to him? “You really sayin’ he should’ve done nothing? Just let the Daleks win? Have you seen what they do to people?”
There’s a pause, during which she looks around at the Doctor. His face is pinched, and his eyes... They’re haunted. If she thought he looked on the edge of devastation, barely in control of his sanity, that day he told her to get out of the way so that he could kill the Dalek, that’s nothing compared to this.
“If the Daleks had won, we would be dead. Not alive, stranded and the last of our species. You think this is life? You imagine we choose this existence, human?”
“You think I chose to live, either?” That’s the Doctor, and he’s moving to stand beside her. “I wanted to burn with my planet. With my people. I lived. That’s my punishment.”
Movement catches her eye; something’s shifting in the snow, coming towards them. Dark shapes close to the ground. And then she sees them: three green, lizard-like creatures, no more than two feet off the ground and four or five feet long, coming to a halt a few yards from the TARDIS.
Behind her, Jack shifts and moves his arm from around her waist; she knows without needing to look that he’s reaching for his gun. The Doctor steps in front of her, and she grabs for his hand, trying to tell him not to do anything stupid or self-sacrificing.
“I can’t bring your people back, or save your planet. Can’t bring back mine either. An’ killin’ me’s not gonna do anything to undo what’s done. So I’m gonna offer you a choice. One-time offer, this. Say no, an’ I’m out of here. Won’t be back, either.”
Jack moves, coming around to the other side of the Doctor; as she watches, he takes the Doctor’s free hand. Both of them, guarding and protecting him, just as they did on the walk back to the TARDIS.
“What is your offer, Time Lord?”
“Your planet’s gone,” the Doctor says. “But you’re right. This place is wrong for you. You don’t belong here. Shouldn’t be here, either. So here’s my offer: I’ll take you somewhere you can live in peace. Find a species with enough compatibility that you can even rebuild your race, in time. Up to you. You’ve got five minutes to think about it.”
Face impassive, the Doctor pulls his hands free, turns and walks back into the TARDIS.
***
His hands are shaking again, and he braces his arms against the console in an effort to still the tremors running through him. The Time War. Always, the Time War. It’s going to haunt him for the rest of his lives, isn’t it?
He should have died too. That was the plan. It’s how it was supposed to go. But it didn’t; he survived. Woke up again in a new body, when his death should have been permanent.
And then he should have died destroying the Nestene Consciousness. That was the plan, sort of: get thrown into the living plastic, but with his handy anti-plastic in his pocket so he’d take the Consciousness with him. Rose Tyler put paid to that one, and for a while he even didn’t mind. In the reflection of her innocent, wide-eyed wonder at all the universe contains, he actually began to remember that there’s joy in life.
Until they met that surviving Dalek.
He let himself forget again after that, Jack as well as Rose tempting him to believe that he could forget, that maybe there’s a purpose to his survival and a chance for a lonely survivor to find some peace. But reminders of all the reason why he should have died, the reasons he doesn’t deserve to live, keep appearing. This one shouldn’t have surprised him.
The soft snick of the TARDIS door closing reminds him that his companions are still nearby. He refuses to look up, though. Maybe they’ll take the hint and go away, leaving him to his thoughts.
Foolish to think it. A small hand comes to rest on top of his. “Doctor, don’t listen to them. You did what you had to. ‘S not your fault.”
His breath hitches, and he turns to look at her. Ignoring the concern on her face, he rushes into speech. “Did you listen to them, Rose? You should. Because they’re right. I am a killer. There’s blood on my hands, Rose, the blood of millions of lives. More than you could ever imagine. I’m not just dangerous, I’m lethal. You shouldn’t trust me.”
“Shouldn’t I?” Her voice is shaky, yet she pushes on. “Funny, that. Cause I do. Cause you know what I see when I look at you, Doctor? I see the man who’s saved my life loads of times. Saved Jack’s, too. You saved my mum, an’ you don’t even like her. An’ you saved my entire planet several times. You risk your life an’ your safety all the time for people you don’t even know, an’ you never even ask for thanks. The universe is a better place thanks to you. An’ you make me want to be a better person. That’s the person I see when I look at you, Doctor. So don’t tell me I shouldn’t trust you, or you’re a killer.”
“I am a killer.” He won’t listen to what she’s said. What does she know, anyway? She barely knows him.
“I’ve seen killers, Doctor. I’ve seen a Dalek, an’ I’ve seen Slitheen an’ a Jagrafess an’ Gelth, an’ a bitchy human trampoline. They’re selfish an’ greedy, or they don’t feel anything but hate. Yeah, I’ve seen you kill, but only when you had no other choice. I’m sorry about the Waraks’ planet an’ their people, but that wasn’t your fault, Doctor. You didn’t do that. You’re not a murderer. No way.”
“Goes for me too, Doctor.” Jack’s hand descends on his shoulder, and the calm certainty in the Captain’s voice is almost his undoing.
For a long moment, he tries to resist. They really don’t know what they’re talking about, and he doesn’t deserve their reassurance or their steadfast loyalty. He doesn’t pull away, but they’ve got to feel his tension, the rigidity of his body, and they must see the forbidding, shuttered expression on his face.
But they both know him too well now; they’re not easily frightened by him, or put off by his moods. And he can’t hold out indefinitely.
Silently, he wraps his arms around both of them, allowing himself to take comfort from them, even if it’s just for a few moments before he has to return and face again these latest casualties of the War.
Pulling away, he gestures towards the door. “Five minutes is up.”
“You can’t do it, Doctor. You can’t take the risk of letting them inside the TARDIS. They’ll kill you.” Jack’s hand catches at his, and his face is furrowed with worry. Worry for him; he can’t accuse the Captain of thinking of himself here, or even of Rose. Yes, there’s the question of what would happen to the two of them if he got himself killed, but he only has to look at Jack to know that’s not what’s at the forefront of his mind.
“My people are responsible for what happened to them. I can’t just abandon them here.”
“You don’t trust them, do you?” Rose’s voice is shaking. “You can’t. Not after what they tried to do to you!”
“I don’t have a choice.”
Jack’s free hand is in his pocket again. Always the guns. When will he learn that weapons are usually far from the best solution? “You do, but that’s another matter. If you’re insisting on doing this, then we need to decide how it’s gonna work.” Blaster in his hand, he adds, “I can hold one of them hostage. They so much as whisper a threat to you, the hostage gets it.” Jack draws a finger across his throat.
He can’t help but be touched by Jack’s loyalty and - yes, love. “Won’t work, Captain. Apart from anything else, those bodies you see aren’t real. Just a psychic trick.”
“The TARDIS is telepathic,” Rose says suddenly. “Gets inside our heads. She can stop them doing anything to you once they’re in here, right?”
Well, yes, and it’s only what he would’ve told them if they’d given him a chance. Once he’d remembered, of course.
He gives Jack’s hand a quick squeeze, presses his free hand to Rose’s shoulder briefly, then strides to the door. Opening it, he announces, “Time’s up. What’s your decision?”
***
In the end, it’s far more straightforward than he expected. The Waraks, obviously self-interested enough not to look a gift horse in the mouth - or else they’ve been in 3000BC longer than he realised - accept the Doctor’s offer. They don’t even baulk when he interrupts before the Doctor can stand back to allow them into the TARDIS, warning them that if there's even the slightest attempt to attack the Doctor again he’ll see to it that they’re thrown out an airlock.
Even deciding on a destination’s simple. The Doctor asks, and one of the Waraks answers. It’s a planet in the Altaran solar system, one that apparently survived the Time War, and the Doctor nods, commenting that according to the records its people and the Waraks were allies.
Within minutes, they’re hurtling through the Vortex, Rose next to the Doctor with her hand through his arm as he pilots, and Jack himself in his usual position at right-angles to the Doctor. Other than the Doctor’s occasional instructions, the journey’s completed in silence, but he can’t take his eyes off the Doctor. Trust those bastards who almost killed the Doctor several times? Not a chance in hell.
Yet all seems well. The Doctor’s perfectly normal, no sign of alien possession or mental torment or anything else. Either he did manage to scare their passengers off, or they were never going to harm the Doctor this time in the first place.
They materialise, the Doctor flips a switch and the door swings open. He makes an extravagant gesture. “All yours.”
The three Waraks shuffle, lizard-like, towards the door, and Jack can finally breathe again. The Doctor’s safe.
And then the last one stops and turns around - or, Jack reminds himself, gives the appearance of turning around. It’s all psychic. All in his head.
“You brought us here, even though we tried to kill you. Perhaps we were wrong about you, Doctor.”
“I know what it’s like to be alone.” The Doctor’s words are clipped. “You’ve got a new home now. Make the most of it.”
The Warak inclines its head, and then turns to the door again. Within seconds, it’s gone and the Doctor’s closing the door.
They’ve dematerialised and are back in the Vortex when the Doctor suddenly exhales long and hard, and reaches for the two of them. Tension seems to leach from his body as he pulls them both close, arms tight around them, his head buried between their shoulders.
A long time later, he looks up, his gaze full of emotion Jack knows he’ll never put into words. “Thank you. Both of you.”
***
LiveJournal tells me that the chapter is too large to post as one - *rollseyes* - so it's in two parts. Chapter 5b.
Author: wmr
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness
Rated: PG13
Disclaimer: Look, if they were mine we'd have had a lot more episodes between The Doctor Dances and Bad Wolf, just put it that way.
Summary: The Doctor seems to have got it a bit wrong. Again.
Written for the Anywhere But Cardiff ficathon on
time_and_chips. Beta-read by the awesome
dark_aegis. Thanks to everyone who stuck with this and commented throughout!
Chapter 1: Cold as Snow l Chapter 2: The Deed and the Plan l Chapter 3: The Judgement of Man l Chapter 4: The Motive That Lieth Below
Chapter 5: By and By
It’s only after she’s yelled her demand that she remembers her conclusion - which the Doctor agreed with - that the Waraks can’t communicate with humans. If their only way of communicating is via telepathy, they won’t understand her, nor she them.
Bit embarrassing, that. Especially with Jack and the Doctor standing right behind her, no doubt wondering if she’s completely lost it.
Still, it made her feel better. Well, just a little.
She’s about to step back inside and close the door - why did she just march out without even thinking about how bloody cold it is out here, and the biting wind that’s cutting through her again, and she doesn’t even have a coat - when it happens.
“Who do you think you are, human, that you attempt to command us?”
She jumps. The harsh, rasping voice came from inside her head.
They did hear her. The Doctor was wrong - they can communicate with her. So why...?
Of course. They can communicate with humans, but they didn’t want to before. It was the Doctor they wanted. They realised he’s a Time Lord and went after him, to punish him, because they hold the Time Lords responsible for their planet’s fate. Now, they’re extending their telepathic abilities to talk to her as well.
A hand lands on her shoulder. She doesn’t need to look around to know that it’s the Doctor. “Rose. Get inside. Now!” He’s frightened for her; she can hear it in his voice. But she’s frightened for him, for what these Waraks have done to him, forcing him to remember stuff he needs to forget.
And the Doctor heard them too just now, didn’t he? Otherwise he wouldn’t have ordered her back inside in quite that tone of voice. So are they broadcasting to all of them now? Did Jack hear them as well?
“I’m all right, Doctor.” She’s not really; she’s freezing cold and terrified, but none of that matters. Raising her voice, she addresses the Waraks again. “I’m a friend of the Doctor’s, like I told you. An’ I’m here to tell you to leave him alone! He’s suffered enough. If it wasn’t for him, nothin’ would exist in this whole universe apart from Daleks. An’ that includes you. You’d be dead.”
An arm is looped around her waist from behind - Jack’s, she realises, glancing down. He pulls her back just a couple of steps before she has time to react. She’s about to protest, then realises what he’s done. He’s pulled her back over the TARDIS’s threshold, where she’s protected from the elements.
“He destroyed our home. Murdered our people.”
“Actually, he didn’t.” That’s Jack; so he is hearing them too. “That was the Daleks. They destroyed Arcadia. It was their ships that made the planet burn. That’s what wiped out your homeworld, right?”
“He destroyed Gallifrey. The aftershocks of that caused ripples through time and space. Many more worlds were destroyed in those ripples. Some species became extinct, and others left homeless. Your Doctor is guilty of multiple genocides. We have seen inside his head. He knows it.”
“An’ hurting him’s going to make it all better, is it? He saved thousands of species. Millions,” she retorts, fury racing through her. The Doctor’s close behind her, his hand still on her shoulder, and she can feel the tension in his body. What must this be doing to him? “You really sayin’ he should’ve done nothing? Just let the Daleks win? Have you seen what they do to people?”
There’s a pause, during which she looks around at the Doctor. His face is pinched, and his eyes... They’re haunted. If she thought he looked on the edge of devastation, barely in control of his sanity, that day he told her to get out of the way so that he could kill the Dalek, that’s nothing compared to this.
“If the Daleks had won, we would be dead. Not alive, stranded and the last of our species. You think this is life? You imagine we choose this existence, human?”
“You think I chose to live, either?” That’s the Doctor, and he’s moving to stand beside her. “I wanted to burn with my planet. With my people. I lived. That’s my punishment.”
Movement catches her eye; something’s shifting in the snow, coming towards them. Dark shapes close to the ground. And then she sees them: three green, lizard-like creatures, no more than two feet off the ground and four or five feet long, coming to a halt a few yards from the TARDIS.
Behind her, Jack shifts and moves his arm from around her waist; she knows without needing to look that he’s reaching for his gun. The Doctor steps in front of her, and she grabs for his hand, trying to tell him not to do anything stupid or self-sacrificing.
“I can’t bring your people back, or save your planet. Can’t bring back mine either. An’ killin’ me’s not gonna do anything to undo what’s done. So I’m gonna offer you a choice. One-time offer, this. Say no, an’ I’m out of here. Won’t be back, either.”
Jack moves, coming around to the other side of the Doctor; as she watches, he takes the Doctor’s free hand. Both of them, guarding and protecting him, just as they did on the walk back to the TARDIS.
“What is your offer, Time Lord?”
“Your planet’s gone,” the Doctor says. “But you’re right. This place is wrong for you. You don’t belong here. Shouldn’t be here, either. So here’s my offer: I’ll take you somewhere you can live in peace. Find a species with enough compatibility that you can even rebuild your race, in time. Up to you. You’ve got five minutes to think about it.”
Face impassive, the Doctor pulls his hands free, turns and walks back into the TARDIS.
***
His hands are shaking again, and he braces his arms against the console in an effort to still the tremors running through him. The Time War. Always, the Time War. It’s going to haunt him for the rest of his lives, isn’t it?
He should have died too. That was the plan. It’s how it was supposed to go. But it didn’t; he survived. Woke up again in a new body, when his death should have been permanent.
And then he should have died destroying the Nestene Consciousness. That was the plan, sort of: get thrown into the living plastic, but with his handy anti-plastic in his pocket so he’d take the Consciousness with him. Rose Tyler put paid to that one, and for a while he even didn’t mind. In the reflection of her innocent, wide-eyed wonder at all the universe contains, he actually began to remember that there’s joy in life.
Until they met that surviving Dalek.
He let himself forget again after that, Jack as well as Rose tempting him to believe that he could forget, that maybe there’s a purpose to his survival and a chance for a lonely survivor to find some peace. But reminders of all the reason why he should have died, the reasons he doesn’t deserve to live, keep appearing. This one shouldn’t have surprised him.
The soft snick of the TARDIS door closing reminds him that his companions are still nearby. He refuses to look up, though. Maybe they’ll take the hint and go away, leaving him to his thoughts.
Foolish to think it. A small hand comes to rest on top of his. “Doctor, don’t listen to them. You did what you had to. ‘S not your fault.”
His breath hitches, and he turns to look at her. Ignoring the concern on her face, he rushes into speech. “Did you listen to them, Rose? You should. Because they’re right. I am a killer. There’s blood on my hands, Rose, the blood of millions of lives. More than you could ever imagine. I’m not just dangerous, I’m lethal. You shouldn’t trust me.”
“Shouldn’t I?” Her voice is shaky, yet she pushes on. “Funny, that. Cause I do. Cause you know what I see when I look at you, Doctor? I see the man who’s saved my life loads of times. Saved Jack’s, too. You saved my mum, an’ you don’t even like her. An’ you saved my entire planet several times. You risk your life an’ your safety all the time for people you don’t even know, an’ you never even ask for thanks. The universe is a better place thanks to you. An’ you make me want to be a better person. That’s the person I see when I look at you, Doctor. So don’t tell me I shouldn’t trust you, or you’re a killer.”
“I am a killer.” He won’t listen to what she’s said. What does she know, anyway? She barely knows him.
“I’ve seen killers, Doctor. I’ve seen a Dalek, an’ I’ve seen Slitheen an’ a Jagrafess an’ Gelth, an’ a bitchy human trampoline. They’re selfish an’ greedy, or they don’t feel anything but hate. Yeah, I’ve seen you kill, but only when you had no other choice. I’m sorry about the Waraks’ planet an’ their people, but that wasn’t your fault, Doctor. You didn’t do that. You’re not a murderer. No way.”
“Goes for me too, Doctor.” Jack’s hand descends on his shoulder, and the calm certainty in the Captain’s voice is almost his undoing.
For a long moment, he tries to resist. They really don’t know what they’re talking about, and he doesn’t deserve their reassurance or their steadfast loyalty. He doesn’t pull away, but they’ve got to feel his tension, the rigidity of his body, and they must see the forbidding, shuttered expression on his face.
But they both know him too well now; they’re not easily frightened by him, or put off by his moods. And he can’t hold out indefinitely.
Silently, he wraps his arms around both of them, allowing himself to take comfort from them, even if it’s just for a few moments before he has to return and face again these latest casualties of the War.
Pulling away, he gestures towards the door. “Five minutes is up.”
“You can’t do it, Doctor. You can’t take the risk of letting them inside the TARDIS. They’ll kill you.” Jack’s hand catches at his, and his face is furrowed with worry. Worry for him; he can’t accuse the Captain of thinking of himself here, or even of Rose. Yes, there’s the question of what would happen to the two of them if he got himself killed, but he only has to look at Jack to know that’s not what’s at the forefront of his mind.
“My people are responsible for what happened to them. I can’t just abandon them here.”
“You don’t trust them, do you?” Rose’s voice is shaking. “You can’t. Not after what they tried to do to you!”
“I don’t have a choice.”
Jack’s free hand is in his pocket again. Always the guns. When will he learn that weapons are usually far from the best solution? “You do, but that’s another matter. If you’re insisting on doing this, then we need to decide how it’s gonna work.” Blaster in his hand, he adds, “I can hold one of them hostage. They so much as whisper a threat to you, the hostage gets it.” Jack draws a finger across his throat.
He can’t help but be touched by Jack’s loyalty and - yes, love. “Won’t work, Captain. Apart from anything else, those bodies you see aren’t real. Just a psychic trick.”
“The TARDIS is telepathic,” Rose says suddenly. “Gets inside our heads. She can stop them doing anything to you once they’re in here, right?”
Well, yes, and it’s only what he would’ve told them if they’d given him a chance. Once he’d remembered, of course.
He gives Jack’s hand a quick squeeze, presses his free hand to Rose’s shoulder briefly, then strides to the door. Opening it, he announces, “Time’s up. What’s your decision?”
***
In the end, it’s far more straightforward than he expected. The Waraks, obviously self-interested enough not to look a gift horse in the mouth - or else they’ve been in 3000BC longer than he realised - accept the Doctor’s offer. They don’t even baulk when he interrupts before the Doctor can stand back to allow them into the TARDIS, warning them that if there's even the slightest attempt to attack the Doctor again he’ll see to it that they’re thrown out an airlock.
Even deciding on a destination’s simple. The Doctor asks, and one of the Waraks answers. It’s a planet in the Altaran solar system, one that apparently survived the Time War, and the Doctor nods, commenting that according to the records its people and the Waraks were allies.
Within minutes, they’re hurtling through the Vortex, Rose next to the Doctor with her hand through his arm as he pilots, and Jack himself in his usual position at right-angles to the Doctor. Other than the Doctor’s occasional instructions, the journey’s completed in silence, but he can’t take his eyes off the Doctor. Trust those bastards who almost killed the Doctor several times? Not a chance in hell.
Yet all seems well. The Doctor’s perfectly normal, no sign of alien possession or mental torment or anything else. Either he did manage to scare their passengers off, or they were never going to harm the Doctor this time in the first place.
They materialise, the Doctor flips a switch and the door swings open. He makes an extravagant gesture. “All yours.”
The three Waraks shuffle, lizard-like, towards the door, and Jack can finally breathe again. The Doctor’s safe.
And then the last one stops and turns around - or, Jack reminds himself, gives the appearance of turning around. It’s all psychic. All in his head.
“You brought us here, even though we tried to kill you. Perhaps we were wrong about you, Doctor.”
“I know what it’s like to be alone.” The Doctor’s words are clipped. “You’ve got a new home now. Make the most of it.”
The Warak inclines its head, and then turns to the door again. Within seconds, it’s gone and the Doctor’s closing the door.
They’ve dematerialised and are back in the Vortex when the Doctor suddenly exhales long and hard, and reaches for the two of them. Tension seems to leach from his body as he pulls them both close, arms tight around them, his head buried between their shoulders.
A long time later, he looks up, his gaze full of emotion Jack knows he’ll never put into words. “Thank you. Both of you.”
***
LiveJournal tells me that the chapter is too large to post as one - *rollseyes* - so it's in two parts. Chapter 5b.