Conflagration - a Lewis commentfic

[wendymr]

Conflagration

A Lewis commentfic challenge for paperscribe.

This will be a work in progress for a while, so anyone who doesn't like being kept on the edge of their seats with fic should wait until it's reposted in full elsewhere. Warning for character in danger in the first instalment, below the cut.

Comments

[paperscribe]

Robbie feels his stomach lurch. It's the 'sir' that gives it away; James has been calling him Robbie ever since his accident. He hasn't remembered to call him sir…he even mistakenly called him Robbie in front of Innocent, which the lad would be quite horrified to know, probably.

"James," Robbie says softly, "d'you remember what we say when we're getting ready to bring someone in?"

James gives him a quizzical look. "Of course. We charge them and then tell them they don't have to say anything, but that if…are you all right, sir?"

No. He's bloody not all right. But he can't let James know that. It's just like Laura said might happen. James remembers before the accident…but not after.

"I don't want you to panic, lad," Robbie says softly.

James pulls a face. "No good conversation ever began that way."

"You were in an accident a little more than a week ago," Robbie says. "You were…badly burnt." He gestures James into the hallway, into the bathroom, where James can see the evidence of what happened to him.

"Fuck!" James blurts upon catching sight of himself in the bathroom mirror, and for a moment, all he can do is stare at his reflection. He glances at Robbie, forehead setting in worried lines. "But…I'm all right, aren't I? I'm going to be all right?"

"You're going to be fine," Robbie says reassuringly. "You've got physio appointments…they're going well…and…"

James shakes his head, panicked. "But I can't have…I don't remember. None of it is…you said it's been a week. Where have I been?"

"You've had a sort of temporary amnesia," Robbie says. "You didn't remember anything before the accident."

James looks at Robbie. "I didn't do…anything embarrassing. Did I?"

Robbie thinks it's very possible that his heart is breaking. But he tucks his own pain away to deal with on his own, and gives James a reassuring smile.

"No," he says softly. "Not at all."

[wendymr]

James swallows, looking awkward. "I think I need to sit down, sir."

Robbie lays his hand on James's shoulder again. "Come on." He leads the way back to the kitchen, then makes James sit at the table. "Coffee? Or maybe some sweet tea, for shock?"

"Coffee." James is staring at his hands, at the red and peeling skin everywhere, and swallowing again.

Robbie brings their coffee over and sits opposite James. "I know you have more questions. First, though... you've been calling me Robbie ever since the accident. Think you can still do that?" At James's surprised frown, Robbie adds, "I'd prefer it, man. We're neither of us working at the moment - we're on leave," he explains at the instant widening of James's eyes. "Feels odd to have you call me sir in the circumstances."

"If you prefer... Robbie." James stares down into his coffee for a long moment, then glances up again. "Why am I staying at your flat? I am, I take it?"

"Yeah. It made most sense. You've only been out of hospital less than two days, and you're in pain still, and you've got outpatient appointments three times a week. You're not safe driving, not with the mobility issues you still have in your hands and legs." He gives James a concerned look. "You're all right with bein' here, wi' me?"

"Of course, si- I mean, Robbie. I - it's very kind and generous of you. I just hate the thought that I've been an inconvenience."

Christ, how could he think that? "Don't be ridiculous, man! If anything, it's nicer with you here." Robbie hesitates, then decides he has to say this. "When the accident happened... I thought you were dead, man. I... I'm crap at saying this." It's his turn to swallow. "Told you this before - it made me realise how important you are to me, James." And could he have made a worse job of that?

"Robbie..." James is playing with his mug. "I... don't know what to say."

[paperscribe]

Robbie feels as though he's got a knife in his gut and it just keeps twisting and twisting. Everything that's sprung up between them in the time since the accident…that delicate balance of give and take and tentative trust and closeness…all gone, brushed aside as though it had never existed. Because for James, it hasn't.

Robbie knows he should be happy that James has his memories back…and he is happy that James has got himself back. He knows James was feeling lost and adrift without his memories, and at least that feeling's gone now. But, as Robbie has just proved, it's not easy for him to open up to anyone even once, let alone twice. And he thinks he did it better the first time…the time James can't remember.

"You don't have to say anything," Robbie says. "Just thought it was important that I tell you."

James looks at Robbie for a long moment. "You were worried, weren't you?"

Robbie nods, not trusting himself to say anything lest he give himself away.

As if by itself, James's hand begins to reach for Robbie, and Robbie holds his breath…but then James gives a little shake of his head and pulls his hand back.

"You're not an inconvenience," Robbie says firmly. "I don't ever want you to think that."

James gives Robbie another long look. Then he nods. "Thank you."

So civil. So polite. Robbie hadn't realised how much more open amnesiac James had been until now. "You're all right."

[wendymr]

James excuses himself shortly afterwards to shower and dress. Robbie rinses their mugs and tries not to feel sorry that James has regained his memory. How could he possibly be so selfish as to wish that he'd stayed the way he was over the last week? That wasn't James, or, at least, it had only been a part of the James he knows and cares about. The James he has in his flat now may not be as... cuddly, perhaps... as the bloke he had in his arms last night, but he's still James, the man he's worked beside for seven years, the man he loves.

Later, James wants to see the doctor who treated him, which of course makes sense: he remembers nothing of what he was told. Robbie takes him to the John Radcliffe, and they wait together until the doctor has a few minutes to talk. James is making an effort to be more talkative, but it clearly is an effort. After a while, Robbie just pats his arm lightly. "You don't have to make conversation if you don't feel like it, man."

James looks at him, his expression unhappy. "I feel as if I'm being so ungrateful. It's just... I'm still trying to wrap my brain around missing an entire week of my life, and waking up like this."

"You're all right," Robbie assures him. "Of course I know it's a shock. You know I'll tell you anything you want to know."

James nods. "Later, if you don't mind."

When the doctor's available, James doesn't ask Robbie to come in with him. When he re-emerges, he's looking determined, as well as a bit relieved. "Home?" Robbie asks.

The lad frowns. "Well, yes, but I'd need to go to yours first to pick up my things."

Robbie shakes his head. "I meant my home." And the other James would have known that... Stop it. This is James.

In the car, James is quiet and appears to have something on his mind. They're almost home when he finally speaks.

"I asked about the amnesia. She said..." He pauses, glancing sideways at Robbie. "She said I may never remember this last week."

[paperscribe]

Robbie knew that was a possibility, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. He doesn't show any of that, however. He simply nods.

James waits until they're back in the flat to continue his inquiries. "I need to know what's missing. In case I never get it back." He pauses. "What happened?"

Robbie tells him about the accident…about how everyone thought he was dead at first, about how it was sheer luck that he'd found James…how James had tried to run away from him but had eventually slowly come to trust him, to understand that Robbie meant to help.

"That must have been a nightmare for you," James says, looking stunned.

Robbie opens his mouth to say something and instead finds himself on the verge of tears. He wants to take James's hand, but James won't understand why he's doing that, and that just makes him want to cry all the more. He takes a deep breath to get himself under control, and then he feels James's hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," James says softly. "I don't remember, but I'm sorry."

Robbie moves his hand to rest atop James's with the hope that James won't pull away from his touch. He doesn't. "Nothing to be sorry for. You couldn't help it." He manages a smile. "You worked out a lot of things just using that brain of yours, even though you couldn't remember. You worked out that we knew each other, though I had to tell you our names. You worked out that we were police officers, though you couldn't remember doing that either." He pauses. "Most of the time, you've been in hospital. I'd come in, see how you were doing. Read to you."

James looks slightly wistful. "That must've been nice. I wish I could remember that."

So does Robbie. "Brought you home a few days ago. We went to your flat and down the nick…you were trying so hard to remember. At the time nothing seemed to work, but who knows…maybe something we did brought your memories back." He pauses. "You were so worried about your memories being lost forever, James…so afraid they might be. I'm glad that didn't happen."

[wendymr]

James doesn't reply; instead, he studies Robbie closely. After a long moment, he says carefully, "I don't know what it was like for you, though I can work some things out from what you've said. But I do know how I would have felt if you'd been the one hurt like I've been, and the one not to remember anything. I... think... I would have sat with you around the clock at first, if I was allowed. And I wouldn't have wanted to let you out of my sight."

There's a lump in Robbie's throat again. All he says is, "Yeah."

"The doctor said I'm so very lucky to have a friend like you," James continues. "That you were there all the time, and you reassured me every time I was worried that I wouldn't get better, or that I'd never be able to do normal things again." He pauses, looking at Robbie; Robbie still can't seem to find the words to answer. After a while, James continues, "I realised I shouldn't be surprised. That that's just the person you are: kind, thoughtful and caring. You look after the people you feel responsible for."

Is that what James thinks? No; Robbie definitely has to set him straight on this one. "No, bonny lad. I look after the people I consider family." He swallows again. "If this'd been years ago, when we didn't know each other very well, I'd still have come an' visited - once a day, at least, if I knew you'd no-one else. It's different now. We're different now."

James nods. "That's what you meant earlier. When you said I'm important to you."

"Yeah. He squeezes James's hand, then withdraws his. "I'm crap at saying that sort of stuff. You... well. Losing you would've been like losing Val all over again, or losing Lyn."

James takes his hand off Robbie's shoulder, leaving him feeling cold and heartsick again. But this time he reaches for Robbie's hand, where it's lying on Robbie's lap. He curls his fingers around Robbie's palm, and rubs his thumb across the back of Robbie's hand. Robbie turns his hand over so that they're holding each other palm to palm.

And then James's eyes widen. "I can't help thinking... Robbie, have we done this before?"

[paperscribe]

Robbie's heart feels as if it jumps in his chest. Robbie. He called him Robbie with no fuss, no struggle. Please let that mean what he hopes it means. Oh, please. "Yes," he whispers.

James stares at their hands. "More than once?"

Robbie nods. "Yes."

"With bandages and without," James murmurs, and Robbie can't tell if James is talking to him or to himself. He lifts his gaze from their hands. "It helped, didn't it? When I was…in pain, or worried."

Robbie nods again. Oh, please, let him remember. Let him remember just a bit.

"It's strange," James whispers. "When I got up this morning, and I saw you for the first time…I wanted to hold your hand and I didn't know why."

"Did you?" Robbie means the words to be calm, level, but they are anything but. They are urgent, almost needy.

James looks more closely at Robbie, startled by his vehemence. His other hand, the hand that isn't holding Robbie's, rises tentatively, and James is visibly struggling with himself for a few moments about whether or not he should touch Robbie.

"That wasn't the only way we touched," James whispers. "Was it?"

Robbie shakes his head, hoping his expression is open enough, welcoming enough, that James knows it is all right.

James reaches out, transfixed, fingertips resting lightly against Robbie's cheek. "Hello," he whispers, almost in wonder.

"Hello," Robbie whispers back.

[wendymr]

James continues to look at him, eyes wide, his hand trembling slightly where it rests against Robbie's face. "I'm not sure... It all feels like a dream, and I'm afraid of getting it wrong."

"You're not getting anything wrong so far, bonny lad." Robbie extends his free arm in invitation, and James curls up against him. Robbie hears a sigh, which sounds like relief.

It feels as if they're back to where they were yesterday, but Robbie's taking no chances. This is James with full memories: of his past, of their shared past, and his own hopes and ambitions. And Robbie doesn't know yet whether this James wants the same thing that the other James said he did.

So he just focuses on providing comfort and closeness, and hopes that James will understand that, if he wants more than that, he only has to ask.

A little later, James shifts enough to look at Robbie. "You never minded looking at me. Or touching me. I remember that."

"Course I didn't. You were still James. Are still. The rest... it just didn't matter."

James leans in and presses a kiss against Robbie's cheek. "Did I do this, too?"

"You did. An' so did I." He turns his head and kisses James back.

The lad looks at him again, and Robbie can almost hear his massive brain whirring. "I love you. I said that, I think." It's a question - but James isn't looking for confirmation that he said the words. He wants to know if it's all right - and his hopes are all there, vivid, in his eyes.

[paperscribe]

Robbie smiles fondly at James. "You did. And I said I felt the same, but I didn't say the words exactly." He pauses, gathering his courage. "I'll say them now if you like."

The hope is stronger in James's eyes now, and his whole face is almost shining with delight. "Please."

It's been a long time since Robbie's said the phrase to someone else and meant it this way. Feels a bit momentous and that. "I love you."

And there's that look of adoration in James's eyes again, except it's a fuller emotion this time, because it's all of James now, the sum of all his experiences and memories leading to this moment. It's beautiful. Robbie has no words.

"And I think," James says, a glint of mischief in his eyes, "that I tried to kiss you and you said no."

Robbie flushes a bit. "Might seem a bit daft to you," he says, "but I didn't want to take advantage. I wanted to know that…that it wasn't just the situation. That if you kissed me properly…it was because you knew what you were doing. Not just that you were grateful for the past week."

James looks touched by the thought. "That's…thank you." He shakes his head. "I can't imagine anyone else thinking of that."

"No," Robbie says, mock-ruefully. "Just me."

James moves closer to him. "I know what I'm doing now."

Robbie nods, heart thumping a bit inside him. "So you do."

"And I did tell you I'd want to kiss you properly at some point."

"You did."

"So I'll ask again," James whispers, his face only inches from Robbie's now. "Robbie…may I kiss you properly?"

"Yeah," Robbie whispers.

That's all the encouragement James needs. Their eyes close and their lips meet.

It was worth the wait.

[wendymr]

...and that's all there is :)