Conflagration - a Lewis commentfic
Conflagration
A Lewis commentfic challenge for paperscribe.
This will be a work in progress for a while, so anyone who doesn't like being kept on the edge of their seats with fic should wait until it's reposted in full elsewhere. Warning for character in danger in the first instalment, below the cut.
( Conflagration )
A Lewis commentfic challenge for paperscribe.
This will be a work in progress for a while, so anyone who doesn't like being kept on the edge of their seats with fic should wait until it's reposted in full elsewhere. Warning for character in danger in the first instalment, below the cut.
( Conflagration )
"It's not, really - well, I don't mean it to be. It's just... I didn't deliberately mislead, but I left you earlier believing something that's not true."
James's face darkens, and he pulls his hand away. He's guessed.
"I said we're partners. That's true," Robbie continues, hating the look of bewilderment and unhappiness on James's face - knowing he put it there. "I meant - we work together. Very closely. A lot of the time it's just you an' me. But we're not just colleagues," he adds, doggedly continuing despite the closed-off expression James is now wearing. "We're best mates - have been for at least six years."
"Best mates," James echoes, his tone empty. "Why couldn't you... just have said that?"
"Because I didn't realise what you thought until after!" He forces himself to stay calm. "An' then... I didn't know what to say to you. Things sort of got away from me."
"You... kissed me." The coldness in James's voice doesn't bother Robbie; what he knows it's masking does.
"I know. And I shouldn't have. I am so sorry." Remembering what else happened then, he adds, "I didn't lie. What I said... I do. Just... not romantically, like." Which is too bloody ironic for words, because he is beginning to wonder if his feelings for James do stray in that direction. Even if they do, now is not the time to raise that idea. "I never intended to mislead you - or hurt you. I-"
"I think you should go."
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"I will," Robbie says quietly, standing. "There's no excuse for what I did, and I know that. I don't blame you if…" If you never want to see me again. But he can't say it. "I'm sorry, lad. I am. I know that doesn't make it better. Nothing can make it better. But I am sorry."
James looks down at his lap and says, almost too quietly to hear, "So am I."
Robbie leaves the room, leaves the hospital entirely, and for a long time, he just sits in his car in the car park. He doesn't trust himself to drive, because he knows he'd keep playing that conversation over and over in his head instead of watching the road. He feels miserable. He should feel miserable. He did a terrible thing and now James is hurting and it's all his fault.
He won't ever want to see me again. Not now.
But Robbie still can't seem to make himself leave the car park.
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Get yourself back up there, you selfish sod.
When he walks back into James's room, the lad's staring straight up at the ceiling. Christ, the least he could've done was set James up with his ipod, couldn't he?
James looks at him, but doesn't speak, as he crosses the room to stand by the bedside.
"I know you asked me to go. But I can't. If we don't sort this now, it's gonna get harder to sort later, and I don't want that. First, because you're on your own, James - I really am all you've got. You've no family, and I am your closest friend." Well, so far as he knows; James is so bloody secretive. "But it's not just that. Before this happened, you did want me here, just like I wanted to be here. Still want to be here, because you're me mate and..."
I care about you, he's about to say, but he stops. Takes a breath for a moment, and then continues. "For a few hours the other day, I thought you were dead. I'm not sure I can even tell you what that did to me. I was standing on that street in Headington staring at a burning house, thinking you were inside, an' I wanted to run in an' look for you but nobody would let me. The fire was too intense. I thought I'd lost you... an' then I saw you. I can't tell you what that meant to me, but I can tell you that I'm never gonna leave you alone again when you need me. So... I'm not leaving, James. Sorry. I can't."
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"I'm still upset about what you did," James says, choosing his words very carefully.
"You have every right to be," Robbie says with a firm nod.
"But I don't really want you to go." James looks down. "Just because I was hurt doesn't mean I don't know what goes on around me. I've noticed that…that no one else has come to see me besides you. I knew I couldn't have any family or they would've been here by now. And maybe…maybe I misunderstood you on purpose, because I wanted so badly to…to have at least one person who was my family."
Robbie nods, heart aching for the lad.
"And you've been here almost all the time. Without you, I…" James shakes his head. "I like knowing that you know who I am. Even if I don't." He raises his head and looks at Robbie. "But you have to promise not to lie to me again. I need to know I can trust you…that anything you tell me is going to be the truth. About me or you or anything. I need that, Robbie."
Robbie looks James straight in the eyes and speaks from his heart. "I promise, James. No more lies. About anything."
James scrutinises his face, then nods solemnly. "All right." He sighs. "I'm glad you came back. I couldn't very well come after you."
"No, suppose not," Robbie says quietly.
"I think this means you owe me a few more chapters than usual," James says.
Robbie is so relieved that James accepted his apology that he's more than happy to comply.
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But it could have been so much worse.
After a few minutes, he leaves the room and phones first Innocent and then Laura to update them. They're both concerned, of course, and want to visit James, but they're all agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea. It would confuse him by confronting him with more people who know him and whom he doesn't know, and could force his memory to return before he's ready.
Though, mindful of what James said earlier, once the lad's awake again Robbie addresses that subject. "Should've told you before now - you do have other people who're concerned about you. Not family - friends and colleagues. Was talking to two of them just now." He explains about the lack of visits. "Just wanted you to know that me being your only visitor doesn't mean there aren't others who care about you."
James nods. "Thank you."
The rest of the day's quiet; Robbie reads to James, or they sit quietly together and talk a little. Robbie has to leave again at dinner-time, but he comes back after an hour and stays until nearly nine. This time, when he's leaving he gets James's ipod out and puts it within easy reach.
He stands awkwardly by the bed to say goodnight; they haven't touched since his confession and their argument earlier. "I'll be back in the morning," he promises.
James meets his gaze. "Thanks."
"Christ, don't-" he begins, then breaks off. James shouldn't thank him, but he doesn't have the right to tell the lad what he should do. "Look," he says then; he's been thinking about this all afternoon and evening. "What we talked about earlier - just because someone's not a blood relative, or not a romantic partner, that doesn't mean they can't be family. I've never told you this, and I should have: you are family to me. Unlike you, I do have family of me own - son and daughter an' a grandson. You mean as much to me as any of them."
He reaches down and presses a hand lightly on James's uninjured shoulder, and leaves.
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