Conflagration - a Lewis commentfic
Conflagration
A Lewis commentfic challenge for paperscribe.
This will be a work in progress for a while, so anyone who doesn't like being kept on the edge of their seats with fic should wait until it's reposted in full elsewhere. Warning for character in danger in the first instalment, below the cut.
( Conflagration )
A Lewis commentfic challenge for paperscribe.
This will be a work in progress for a while, so anyone who doesn't like being kept on the edge of their seats with fic should wait until it's reposted in full elsewhere. Warning for character in danger in the first instalment, below the cut.
( Conflagration )
He never takes his hand away from James's. Doesn't want the lad to wake up without knowing where he is. Of course that's the reason. Why would it be anything else?
Robbie falls asleep sitting in the chair. All the doctors have been notified that he's to be allowed to stay with James as much as possible, because it calms James to have him there. Robbie is glad of that; he didn't fancy battling the medical establishment. It's enough to battle Innocent about James's next of kin forms.
"Robbie…"
Robbie is awake in an instant at the sound of the deep, raspy voice. James has used his other hand to push the oxygen mask from his face, and his eyes are still a bit hazy, though clearer than before.
"That's your oxygen mask, lad," Robbie says gently. "You need that."
James shakes his head very slightly. "Need…to say…" He tries to take a deep breath and coughs a bit. "Robbie…"
Robbie gently moves the mask over James's face. "Now, lad. A couple deep breaths of the good air. It'll help you not to cough as much."
James dutifully takes a few deep breaths, then gestures for Robbie to move the mask away. Robbie does.
"Doesn't hurt," James whispers. "Like you promised. Thank you."
Robbie can feel his expression soften, but all he says is, "Come on. Let's get this mask back on you so your lungs can heal."
Reply
Shortly afterwards, a nurse comes in and, after acknowledging Robbie, starts checking all the equipment and drips hooked up to James, and then his pulse and respirations. "How is he?" Robbie asks.
"As well as can be expected," is the not very informative response. She turns to look at him. "We'll be changing some of these drips in a few minutes, as well as his catheter and feeding tube. We'll need you to leave anyway, so I'd suggest you take the time to go home - shower and change and so on." Robbie's expression clearly showed how he felt about that idea, as her expression softened and she added, "Honestly, you won't be missing anything. We'll be at least an hour, and he'll be sedated again. He probably won't wake up until mid-morning at least."
Robbie allows himself to be sent home, and after a night sleeping on a hard chair it does feel good to stand in the shower for twenty minutes or so. But he wants to get back to James; every minute away has him wondering if the lad's all right, if he's anxious or scared being on his own and not having the faintest idea who he is. If he's realised that Robbie broke his promise, that he's not still beside him...
Just over an hour after leaving, he's driving back to the hospital - but when he gets to James's room he's faced with a closed door. Laura finds him there ten minutes later and refuses to take no for an answer, and five minutes after that he's in the canteen with a breakfast he doesn't want and a coffee he does - and Laura, asking him questions he's really not sure he has answers for at this point.
Reply
"And how do they think he'll do?" Laura asks.
Robbie shakes his head. "Too soon to tell that." He casts an anxious look over his shoulder toward James's room.
"Robbie. Eat your breakfast or I'll give you a medical," Laura says, and Robbie suspects she's only half joking. He manages to eat a bit more than half of the food he's been given, which he thinks is fair considering he didn't want any of it.
"He's still attached to you, I take it?" Laura says.
Robbie nods. "He woke up and said he was glad to see me…because it was hard not knowing who he was…"
Laura's expression softens.
Robbie meets her eyes. "It lets me do something," he says quietly. "Helping him. Instead of just sitting being useless."
"I know," Laura says. "But if you work yourself into a frenzy, you won't be in any state to help yourself, let alone James, will you?"
Robbie mutters something begrudging under his breath about Laura being right and sips his coffee.
Reply
Laura's expression is fondly amused. "You should have been able to work that out for yourself, Robbie."
"Wouldn't be asking if I had."
She shakes her head. "You two have the strongest bond of any pair of coppers I've ever met, and I know others, including Jean Innocent, feel the same way. There are times I've seen you anticipate what the other's going to say, or finish each other's sentences - you're as much in tune as a couple who've been married ten years or more."
He looks at her, then shakes his head. "We're just coppers who've worked out a good working relationship. Nothing special about that." Yeah, of course he and James are close - they like each other, they're mates - sort of - and they've worked hard to build the kind of understanding that makes it easier to do the job. That's all it is.
Laura raises an eyebrow. "If you say so." Then she sobers. "He was very, very lucky, of course."
"I know." He scratches an eyebrow. "What about the people inside the house? How many?"
"Two victims. I'm not in charge of the PMs, but in case James remembers enough to wonder about them, from what I've heard so far they were already dead before he opened the door."
Robbie nods; he'd wondered about that himself. "Poor sods."
"Yeah. The firefighters think the cause was probably a gas leak, but it's too soon to tell." Robbie nods again. Yes, James has been incredibly lucky. "But, Robbie, we have to be realistic about James."
"Oh?" Warily, he looks at her.
"Yes, he's doing really well so far, but that doesn't mean he'll necessarily make a full recovery. Apart from the fact that, in rare cases, people who've lost their memories due to a traumatic event never regain their memory - or have permanent gaps - there's still the matter of the burns and smoke damage in his lungs. Robbie, James may never be capable of passing the police fitness test again."
Reply
Laura looks genuinely startled. "What?"
Robbie shakes his head. "That's not…I don't mean…" He sighs. "I don't want James to be hurt. I want him to recover, course I do. But whether or not he can go back to policing…" He shakes his head. "Laura, I lost him. For however long it was yesterday, I lost him. He was dead. And now he's not dead. Long as that's true, I don't give a sod whether he works as a policeman or a car park attendant."
It was true. If James was alive, the rest was all details. Robbie would rather James be fit and healthy, yes, but whether or not he could be a police officer again…that wouldn't even have occurred to Robbie. Not right now. The important thing was James, that James was all right, or as all right as he could be.
"What will you do?" Laura asks.
"Been talking about early retirement long enough," Robbie says. "Suppose if that's what happens, if he can't come back or doesn't want to, I'll do it."
"And do what?" Laura asks.
Robbie shrugs. "Maybe get an allotment…make it stick this time. Read more. I was always telling Morse I didn't have any time to read. Got all the time in the world now." Take care of James if he needs it. If I were retired, I could be there whenever he needs me. But he didn't say that bit to Laura because she'd probably start talking about all that mawkish stuff about a bond that was like a marriage and had he never noticed the colour of James's eyes (he had, thanks).
It was loyalty, that was all. The people that mattered to you, you did your best for them. Robbie had always thought so, and had tried to live by that rule all through his life. Now was no different.
Reply
For a tall bloke, he looks almost shrunken in the bed; his head's bandaged, of course, and there are dressings on large areas of his body. His eyes are slightly less bloodshot, though.
As Robbie sits next to the bed, James moves his hand a little in an unmistakeable request. Robbie reaches over and takes the bandaged appendage gently in his hand.
"Sleep okay, did you?" He quickly adds, "Don't try to talk. Nod, or if that doesn't work, how about you tap on my hand once for yes, twice for no." James nods and taps Robbie's hand. "That works, all right."
James's expression tells Robbie that the lad has lots of questions, but there's nothing he can do about that for now - and he's not altogether sure that he wants to. He's been cautioned by James's doctor, and also by Laura, that giving James too much information about who he is won't help; he won't be sure whether he's remembering for himself or because people have told him. So, instead, he gives James a sympathetic look. "Give it a day or two, lad, and when that mask comes off you can talk all you want. Ask me questions, tell me to get lost, whatever. For now..." He thinks for a moment, then realises what James - the James he knows, anyway - would like.
"What if I read to you, eh?" He gets an emphatic nod and squeeze of his hand.
He opens the bedside cabinet to find the duffel bag he put there yesterday, and pulls out the book he found on James's coffee table. Deciding to start from the beginning rather than the place where James had clearly stopped reading, he opens at the first page and begins to read...
Reply
Eventually, though, James does seem to tire, and when his eyelids begin to droop, Robbie sets aside the book, opened to the last page he finished.
"Time for you to get some rest," Robbie says gently.
James's eyes register mild protest at this idea, and Robbie can tell from the way his eyes move that James is struggling to stay awake. Robbie shakes his head and gives James's hand a gentle squeeze.
"I'll still be here when you wake up again," he says. "And we can read more then. But you've got to sleep and get well, so they'll take your mask off and we can have a proper conversation."
James taps Robbie's hand once, emphatically, for yes, and the unexpected vehemence makes Robbie smile. Even beneath the oxygen mask, Robbie can see James smile too.
Before he falls asleep, James pulls Robbie's hand close so he can't go anywhere. Robbie wasn't planning on going anywhere anyway…but it's nice to be needed.
Reply
James's eyes hold an expression that's familiar to Robbie; although the lad's never actually said what he meant when he looks at Robbie like that, Robbie knows. Promise?
He squeezes James's hand gently. "Promise."
They chase him home at around ten o'clock, when visiting hours are long over. James looks disappointed, but Robbie leaves the book in a prominent position on the bedside cabinet, with their place marked. "I'll carry on tomorrow."
On the way home, he muses again on Laura's warning that James may never be fit to return to work, and his own lack of concern - and immediate conviction that he'll do whatever James needs him to do if that happens. He still has no hesitation about that, even down to having James stay with him if the lad needs care and support after he's discharged. If his health is even worse than Laura hinted at, if his lungs are seriously damaged and he needs oxygen therapy, for example, then he's going to need someone around.
And it's not just a matter of there being no-one else. He wouldn't leave James to someone else. His partner, his responsibility.
He was told not to come back before ten the following morning, and it's ten on the dot when he walks into James's room. The first thing he notices is that the oxygen mask is off. "Hey! I can see more of your face!"
James, today propped a little upright, smiles at him. "Yeah." His voice still sounds rusty and wheezy, though better than it did two days ago.
"That's great. Mind, I'm not gonna let you overdo the talking. So, what?" He sits next to the bed. "Want me to carry on reading?"
"Not yet." James looks straight at him, his intelligent gaze studying him keenly. "I have... questions. Robbie, you're not just... some random bloke who... was passing. You... know me, don't you?"
Reply
"Yes," Robbie says quietly. "I know you." He resists the urge to ask 'is that all right?'
James holds out his hand, asking another question silently, and Robbie takes it, answering.
"I thought…you must," James says.
"I've got a picture of us," Robbie says hesitantly. "Brought it in me bag. If you want to see it."
His breath catches at the way James's expression softens at the idea, and James taps his hand once to say yes, so he doesn't have to use his voice for everything. James has always been clever in everything else; it's no surprise that he's clever in this.
Robbie nods, bending down to pull out the photo. It's from the last police benefit they attended--Robbie's in a tux, as he'd been asked to emcee part of the evening, and James is in one of his work suits. "Here. Try and guess which one of us is me."
James makes a soft laughing sound in the back of his throat, and he gazes at the picture for a moment. Robbie holds his breath, waiting to see if the picture will bring back any memories…any anything.
James looks at the image of Robbie for a moment, then touches the image of his own face. "Is that what I look like?"
Robbie's heart breaks a little, but he doesn't let it show.
"Aye, lad," he says. "That's you."
Reply
James stares at the photo for a long time. Then he turns to look at Robbie again. "I'm glad... I know you."
Robbie can't help smiling back at him. "Me too."
"Look... very formal. Some... kind of event?" Robbie nods. "We... went together?"
"Aye, we did."
He's expecting James to ask what they were doing there, or why Robbie's in a monkey suit, but instead James tilts his head a bit. "We're... partners?"
Always my clever lad. Even when he hasn't got his memory, doesn't remember he's gifted and near a genius, he figures things out. Even if he can't be a detective in future, he'll still have a career. Could be an analyst. Innocent certainly wouldn't want to lose him. He smiles again, and it feels fond, though that's as it should be. "Yeah. We are that."
James's expression softens, and there's a look of wonder in his eyes. He puts the photo down on the bed and reaches for Robbie's hand again - and brings it up to his lips, where he presses a dry, cracked kiss to Robbie's palm, all the while looking at Robbie with an expression that's... adoring.
Reply
Partners. The realisation hits Robbie like a blow. He said partners, and James thinks that means…oh. Oh. He should say something…he should explain, before it's too late.
But he can't tear himself away from that look in James's eyes…how soft he looks, how vulnerable. How happy. And how can he take that away from James when it clearly means so much to him?
He doesn't exactly have to lie, does he? He was going to help James…going to be with him…going to take care of him if need be. Those are all things either type of partner might do. And Robbie knows, even as he's thinking this, that he has already lost the battle, that he's going to let James think what he thinks and not correct him, even with every chance of disastrous consequences. He just hasn't got it in him to hurt the lad when he's been hurt so much lately.
Road to Hell, Robbie thinks grimly, meet good intentions.
James is too clever not to notice that something's going on. "Are you…all right?" he asks softly, his tone almost like a caress.
Robbie gives James a gentle smile. "You're not to worry about me," he says softly. "Just you concentrate on getting well again."
Reply
Robbie helps him drink some water. "I'm fine. Better for seeing you on the mend."
"Lucky I... have you." James's gaze is still openly affectionate. It's strange; while James has never before looked at him with such obvious emotion, the bloke's expression isn't that new. It strikes him that he's had plenty of fond looks from James over the years, and especially over the last two or three. But... well, they are fond of each other, aren't they?
And... Yeah. "I'm lucky to have you, too." He does mean that; James is without any doubt the best thing to have happened to him since coming back from the BVI. "Want me to read to you now?"
James shakes his head. "How did we... meet? How long...?" He coughs again.
"Oi. Said to take it easy." And, of course, the lad has to ask the difficult questions, the ones that would lead him deliberately, as opposed to accidentally, down the path of misrepresentation. He pulls a face, and takes refuge in the obvious escape-route. "Can't tell you anything, can I? They said it's better if you remember on your own."
James looks disappointed, but nods and gestures towards the book.
Robbie's sent away a couple of hours later so James can have lunch and have various things changed. As he gets up to go, James tugs on his hand, and Robbie looks down to see what the bloke wants. James is stretching up towards him, and the expectation in his expression is unmistakeable.
He's expecting Robbie to kiss him.
Reply
"I don't want to hurt you," he says hesitantly.
James shakes his head carefully, expression affectionate. "You won't hurt me."
Ordinarily Robbie would try to split the difference and go for a gentle peck on the cheek, but the burns on James's face make that more of an issue. You're actually considering this? Why are you considering this?
Because he needs me. And because I… But he isn't going to think too closely about himself. Not now. There's so much going on in his head he's going to need a filing cabinet to sort it all out. The truth is, the way James looks at him makes him…feel things. Things a bit deeper than a working relationship would suggest.
Carefully, very carefully, Robbie bends down and gives James a soft kiss--nothing fancy or too involved, just the very basics. And oddly enough, he thinks he can feel James…relax. And Robbie feels…he feels…bloody hell, he doesn't know what he feels.
"I'll be back soon as they say I can be," Robbie says quietly. Even with the tumult going on in his mind, he still doesn't like being away from James…still wants to be back quick as he can to care for him.
James nods, that look of quiet adoration still in his eyes. "Love you."
The only thing more surprising to Robbie is what he finds himself saying…and very possibly meaning…in response to that. "I love you too."
Reply
Leave a comment