Not so good today
I'm feeling like I'm pretty much falling apart, losing it. Maybe I'm physically ill, I don't know, but I find myself weeping and out of it, tired and listless, wanting to do nothing other than sleep. I'm not really working--showing up, but screwing around all day, despite the fact that I have a lot to do. It just all seems to be falling apart. I've been trying to keep it together for a few years now, but it seems to be degenerating.
I hate my job. I hate it because I don't HATE it. It's comfortable. Meaningless, poorly paid, and comfortable.
The financial situation shits the bed. I don't know right now if the bankruptcy will screw up Jesse's loan for college, although frankly, I think he doesn't care all that much about that. He hates school, feels trapped at UMass, unable to be at a school that he'd like, unable to be with Jessie. He recognizes his responsibility in the matter, but he's also railing against me for not being tougher with him all those years when he was in high school, screwing around. He's probably right. I should have been tougher. I was in the middle of the devastation of divorce, paying more attention to how I felt than making sure my son did his homework. Totally self-absorbed. Could I have done it differently? I don't know. But clearly, I could have done better by him.
He wants to go to school in Chicago. John mentions that he'd been thinking of moving to Chicago. And I'm thinking well what the fuck: why not? Why not move myself? I have no friends here. I have a brother and sister, but I see them about once or twice a year anyway, so I could easily fly in from Chicago for the holidays or whatever. What the fuck, why not? Let the condo go into foreclosure and just move. I checked a couple of websites, and i could rent a three bedroom apartment in downtown Chicago for half the price of my condo.
I've never moved to a whole other state, a whole other city. I wonder how one goes about that-- getting a job and getting an apartment and moving and all that. What's the procedure? I'm going to think about it.
On the bright side, I just talked to my faculty buddy. It's a long, boring story, but basically, one of the deans here took one of my ideas for a speaker here -- which turned out to be a tremendously popular, wonderful wonderful event -- and he sort of claimed it as his own idea. It really kind of pisses me off, because it's something that would make a difference if I'm looking for another job-- that I have creative ideas for the institution, etc. etc. etc. So this faculty buddy of mine said he's going to figure out a way to ensure that the vice president (the capo di capo -- sp) knows that it was my idea.
I can't figure out how to get a better job, can't figure out how to get Jesse into the college of his dreams, can't figure out how to get out of the financial jam I'm in, can't figure out how to move. Trapped. I feel trapped.
I hate my job. I hate it because I don't HATE it. It's comfortable. Meaningless, poorly paid, and comfortable.
The financial situation shits the bed. I don't know right now if the bankruptcy will screw up Jesse's loan for college, although frankly, I think he doesn't care all that much about that. He hates school, feels trapped at UMass, unable to be at a school that he'd like, unable to be with Jessie. He recognizes his responsibility in the matter, but he's also railing against me for not being tougher with him all those years when he was in high school, screwing around. He's probably right. I should have been tougher. I was in the middle of the devastation of divorce, paying more attention to how I felt than making sure my son did his homework. Totally self-absorbed. Could I have done it differently? I don't know. But clearly, I could have done better by him.
He wants to go to school in Chicago. John mentions that he'd been thinking of moving to Chicago. And I'm thinking well what the fuck: why not? Why not move myself? I have no friends here. I have a brother and sister, but I see them about once or twice a year anyway, so I could easily fly in from Chicago for the holidays or whatever. What the fuck, why not? Let the condo go into foreclosure and just move. I checked a couple of websites, and i could rent a three bedroom apartment in downtown Chicago for half the price of my condo.
I've never moved to a whole other state, a whole other city. I wonder how one goes about that-- getting a job and getting an apartment and moving and all that. What's the procedure? I'm going to think about it.
On the bright side, I just talked to my faculty buddy. It's a long, boring story, but basically, one of the deans here took one of my ideas for a speaker here -- which turned out to be a tremendously popular, wonderful wonderful event -- and he sort of claimed it as his own idea. It really kind of pisses me off, because it's something that would make a difference if I'm looking for another job-- that I have creative ideas for the institution, etc. etc. etc. So this faculty buddy of mine said he's going to figure out a way to ensure that the vice president (the capo di capo -- sp) knows that it was my idea.
I can't figure out how to get a better job, can't figure out how to get Jesse into the college of his dreams, can't figure out how to get out of the financial jam I'm in, can't figure out how to move. Trapped. I feel trapped.