I LIVE!
I can't remember the last time i posted - my 'work' has swallowed my entire life for the last year.
I talk non-stop to people at the crappiest times of their lives, from the airline losing your luggage to watching your wife of 5 days being killed on your honeymoon.
I once held a jovial conversation with the loveliest man on earth, having just been informed by the hospital that his wife of 40 years had just lapsed into a coma and would be dead within the day.. and i couldn't reveal a thing other than 'Don't worry about anything - go back to the hospital and spend time with your wife. We'll take care of it'. Two hours later I was explaining to him how we would bring her body home. After the call ended I took my lunch break and cried for an hour.
I do this for 12 hours a day (usually longer) or night, and get maybe one honest 'thanks' a fortnight. If this is anything like what police/firemen/paramedics/armed forces etc go through, we should all be so lucky that they're willing to step up to the most thankless jobs on earth.
Worst of all - the drama of it all is completely addictive. If you call in sick you've let down yourself, your colleagues and any callers you might have helped. I have constant headaches from the crazy hours and lack of sleep, and i can't remember the last time i ate a vegetable.
I've wanted to leave for the last six months but never had the balls...and yet being in this job for only a year and a half makes me a senior medical coordinator - most newbies don't last more than 90 days.
So I bit the bullet last night. A superior told me to do something that would no doubt cause a man to be in debt for the next two years, something that I knew would never stand up in a lawsuit. When i explained the finer points of the New Zealand legal system (the superior is new to New Zealand) - they told me to do it anyway. Nice.
At that point I realised I didn't want to be that person anymore.
I am Stacey the Great - champion of the underdog, a shoulder to cry on 24/7 & fearless adventurer! And for 1 year of my life I've been looking in the mirror and don't recognize the person i've been reduced to - the bearer of bad news, devoid of empathy and cynical about everything.
So i handed in my resignation with the most scathing retort to management i could muster without swearing or an assault charge - the dreaded "I'm not mad - I'm just disappointed". (Anyone whose ever been a teenager will cringe remembering those)
I'm going to spend the free days of my last month catching up with you all, then I'm going to Cape Town to spend three months traveling around (the safe bits of..) Africa & Europe with the first man to ever tell me he loves me. (In the 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' way - not the 'you're great fun' way).
I'm gonna see the Pyramids and brave Terminal 5 at Heathrow again (I raised a family of 6 in line last time!)
I feel free, afraid & excited all at once. There's a chance my adventure might turn to crap, but i'll never know unless i leap in.. and that's what Staceys do best:)
Edmund Blackadder said it best: "I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded human being, with a degree from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and four gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting The Shit Kicked Out Of Me".
And I've bloody well earned the break :)
Love,
Stace
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