(no subject)
Thanks guys for propping me up yesterday. Bottom line is - I'm depressed. Been depressed for a while and there's been some fairly intense stuff happening with LadyP, which hit us all pretty hard. She has ADHD and we had to make a couple of tough calls with regards to sorting it out. We're on the other side of it though and life is slowly returning to what I can only assume is 'normal'.
Houston's kind of been getting to me. I am extremely homesick for my family and friends and while I will be coming home soon for my brother's wedding, what's really worrying me is that I won't want to come back. I have to, I don't have a choice, but I am more afraid of the feeling of not wanting to return (if that makes any sense), because that's a pretty powerful feeling right now.
I'm lonely. Most of the mums at LadyP's school drop their kids off and they're free to get on with their days, coffee mornings etc. I still have M&J and while I certainly do not wish their tiny years away as they are only little for so long and this time is very precious, somedays, I just wish I could go and be an adult. It's isolating here, my only contact with other adults is often drop off and pick up at school. I had joined a mums and bubs group, but I don't feel like I fit in and I am constantly overlooked, forgotten about, have plans made around me without being included and so, I am feeling rejected and just plain icky. I arrange stuff, it's not reciprocated (story of my bloody life - maybe it's time I took the hint?) or I organise cofee and seem to be artfully dodged each time. Again with the hint taking.
So on Monday, it all got a bit much. I went to the psychiatrist, who prescribed Effexor. I took the drugs home, did some research and thought, gee, this seems like a pretty nasty drug, do I really want to take this? Called the shrink who naturally said yes and talked me into it. I took my first crazy pill yesterday and oh my god, that stuff is awful. I immeiately started feeling REALLY anxious, my eyesight went weird and I felt nauseated and had diarrhoea. My mouth dried up and frankly, I just felt really, really lousy. Then when it came to sleep, I would doze off then wake up when I would start to sleep, feeling that awful anxiety feeling again, everytime, all night. No sleep for me! I can't afford to feel this crappy. I have three kids and a husband away all the time. I got up this morning and couldn't function, had to call a friend to get LadyP to school. Not being able to care for my kids adequately is just NOT ON.
I'm calling this shrink and she can stick her medications up her arse.
I'm going to have to beat this black dog back into submission without medication. So: plan! (and in no order of priority)
1) Go to the gym on the days J&M are at daycare, get those endorphins flowing. I will have to be very rigid about this and not succumb to the temptation of coffee mornings.
2) Jazzercise once a week. I know a few people doing it and they are saying it brings all the happy. Free creche!
3)Walk once a week. We're on the bayou here and there are some wonderful places to explore, that I just haven't yet.
4) Go to head doctor to talk and work through my shit. It needs to happen.
5) Get in touch with the Aussies here. They have a baby group on Thursdays, it would be nice to meet some more Aussies, I think.
6) Music. It's really missing from my life and it really is for me, the most soul restoring thing. I need to get music back. I shall be investigating. Did have a look at the UN Choir, but not really my thang. I like early music, so I need to rev the local SCA madrigal group up.
7) Weight. It's really got to go. Firstly, I'll be shedding the American pounds that I have accumulated. I am 106kgs, I want to go back to 98, then go from there. Mr C and I are a lot more cautious about our diet, so mainly, it's an exercise thing. I simply don't do nearly enough of it, so it's time to start.
8) House. It's cluttered. That also needs to change.
9) Spend more qual time with the kids in the myriad of things that Houston has to offer.
10) Learn to get help when I need it. Particularly when Mr C is away.
So this is my plan. It's a good one in theory, so I hope I can make it work. I need to lose the cranky and the black dog it rode in on.
Houston's kind of been getting to me. I am extremely homesick for my family and friends and while I will be coming home soon for my brother's wedding, what's really worrying me is that I won't want to come back. I have to, I don't have a choice, but I am more afraid of the feeling of not wanting to return (if that makes any sense), because that's a pretty powerful feeling right now.
I'm lonely. Most of the mums at LadyP's school drop their kids off and they're free to get on with their days, coffee mornings etc. I still have M&J and while I certainly do not wish their tiny years away as they are only little for so long and this time is very precious, somedays, I just wish I could go and be an adult. It's isolating here, my only contact with other adults is often drop off and pick up at school. I had joined a mums and bubs group, but I don't feel like I fit in and I am constantly overlooked, forgotten about, have plans made around me without being included and so, I am feeling rejected and just plain icky. I arrange stuff, it's not reciprocated (story of my bloody life - maybe it's time I took the hint?) or I organise cofee and seem to be artfully dodged each time. Again with the hint taking.
So on Monday, it all got a bit much. I went to the psychiatrist, who prescribed Effexor. I took the drugs home, did some research and thought, gee, this seems like a pretty nasty drug, do I really want to take this? Called the shrink who naturally said yes and talked me into it. I took my first crazy pill yesterday and oh my god, that stuff is awful. I immeiately started feeling REALLY anxious, my eyesight went weird and I felt nauseated and had diarrhoea. My mouth dried up and frankly, I just felt really, really lousy. Then when it came to sleep, I would doze off then wake up when I would start to sleep, feeling that awful anxiety feeling again, everytime, all night. No sleep for me! I can't afford to feel this crappy. I have three kids and a husband away all the time. I got up this morning and couldn't function, had to call a friend to get LadyP to school. Not being able to care for my kids adequately is just NOT ON.
I'm calling this shrink and she can stick her medications up her arse.
I'm going to have to beat this black dog back into submission without medication. So: plan! (and in no order of priority)
1) Go to the gym on the days J&M are at daycare, get those endorphins flowing. I will have to be very rigid about this and not succumb to the temptation of coffee mornings.
2) Jazzercise once a week. I know a few people doing it and they are saying it brings all the happy. Free creche!
3)Walk once a week. We're on the bayou here and there are some wonderful places to explore, that I just haven't yet.
4) Go to head doctor to talk and work through my shit. It needs to happen.
5) Get in touch with the Aussies here. They have a baby group on Thursdays, it would be nice to meet some more Aussies, I think.
6) Music. It's really missing from my life and it really is for me, the most soul restoring thing. I need to get music back. I shall be investigating. Did have a look at the UN Choir, but not really my thang. I like early music, so I need to rev the local SCA madrigal group up.
7) Weight. It's really got to go. Firstly, I'll be shedding the American pounds that I have accumulated. I am 106kgs, I want to go back to 98, then go from there. Mr C and I are a lot more cautious about our diet, so mainly, it's an exercise thing. I simply don't do nearly enough of it, so it's time to start.
8) House. It's cluttered. That also needs to change.
9) Spend more qual time with the kids in the myriad of things that Houston has to offer.
10) Learn to get help when I need it. Particularly when Mr C is away.
So this is my plan. It's a good one in theory, so I hope I can make it work. I need to lose the cranky and the black dog it rode in on.