Born Under A Bad Sign
Say, here's something I've never said before (again): I'M MISERABLE.
My memories try to trick me into thinking I used to be happy. I know I wasn't. I remembering not being. However, when I think back to the late 90s and early aughts, I feel a nostalgia as if they were the good times. Sure, I was younger and didn't know what I do now (though that can be said about time only seconds back). I would do almost anything to go back, because it would be a chance to redo the last 10-15 years with a new set of knowledge and experience. But I was not happy then. I was just as scared and frustrated as I am now. Then life continued to be hard and even, to my surprise, get harder as time went on. So, when I think back, it is a longing for the youth and hope I've lost along the way. It is not because I enjoyed that life. It is also regret. I am sorry I lost some of the relationships I had, and I am devastated to have made some of the decisions I did.
I am also antagonized by a parallel present. Random things trigger it - a commercial for night cream... strangers dining in a restaurant as I walk by... the strawberry candles I have burning at this moment. I should be using that night cream, and eating in that restaurant. My candles and I should be in a quality home, and not the dump under an airline flight path in which we currently reside. I don't know why things haven't worked out yet. I don't understand why I have to consider $7 a splurge, while my co-worker (who laughed when I said so, because he thought I was kidding) can thoughtlessly spend that on his lunch every day. He's only a month older than I am. I am the poorest person I know, and I am continuing to get poorer despite the every-direction effort I am putting in to not be.
Then, there's the future. I get whiffs and wantonments (that's a word, right?) for what it all needs to become. But the reality is a bleak picture. Because a year ago, things were the worst they'd ever been, and they're even more awful now. At every check point, I hope it's the last time I'm in that dire a shape. Yet when the next comes around, life is somehow more detestable than ever - while I remember having been desperate, just X-or-so days prior, for things to be better by that next flag. So, I have very little hope. The balance is so far off now, it might require a full blown miracle to get me where I need to be. Considering what's happened, and not happened, at this point, I'm not holding my breath.
Also, I have a cold on my first real day off in weeks. I don't even have the energy to go get orange juice. Not that I can afford it.
I'm blue.
My memories try to trick me into thinking I used to be happy. I know I wasn't. I remembering not being. However, when I think back to the late 90s and early aughts, I feel a nostalgia as if they were the good times. Sure, I was younger and didn't know what I do now (though that can be said about time only seconds back). I would do almost anything to go back, because it would be a chance to redo the last 10-15 years with a new set of knowledge and experience. But I was not happy then. I was just as scared and frustrated as I am now. Then life continued to be hard and even, to my surprise, get harder as time went on. So, when I think back, it is a longing for the youth and hope I've lost along the way. It is not because I enjoyed that life. It is also regret. I am sorry I lost some of the relationships I had, and I am devastated to have made some of the decisions I did.
I am also antagonized by a parallel present. Random things trigger it - a commercial for night cream... strangers dining in a restaurant as I walk by... the strawberry candles I have burning at this moment. I should be using that night cream, and eating in that restaurant. My candles and I should be in a quality home, and not the dump under an airline flight path in which we currently reside. I don't know why things haven't worked out yet. I don't understand why I have to consider $7 a splurge, while my co-worker (who laughed when I said so, because he thought I was kidding) can thoughtlessly spend that on his lunch every day. He's only a month older than I am. I am the poorest person I know, and I am continuing to get poorer despite the every-direction effort I am putting in to not be.
Then, there's the future. I get whiffs and wantonments (that's a word, right?) for what it all needs to become. But the reality is a bleak picture. Because a year ago, things were the worst they'd ever been, and they're even more awful now. At every check point, I hope it's the last time I'm in that dire a shape. Yet when the next comes around, life is somehow more detestable than ever - while I remember having been desperate, just X-or-so days prior, for things to be better by that next flag. So, I have very little hope. The balance is so far off now, it might require a full blown miracle to get me where I need to be. Considering what's happened, and not happened, at this point, I'm not holding my breath.
Also, I have a cold on my first real day off in weeks. I don't even have the energy to go get orange juice. Not that I can afford it.
I'm blue.