Depressed.
I am so miserably depressed today. And it's over stupid shit that I shouldn't be depressed over.
First off, my sister is visiting from FSU, so I drive over to mom's to have dinner with my family. I must be a moron for thinking that for once I'd be able to enjoy a nice meal with my family and just have a good and peaceful time. Instead I listen to my mother and sister bickering the whole evening.
Secondly, I have been called fat, ugly or bald in various combinations by different members of my family no less than three times tonight. Normally, this sort of thing doesn't bother me. I'm used to it. But lately, I have been taking shot after shot to my self-esteem from just about everybody so eventually it starts to crack. Granted, my family is beautiful so they have very high standards, but I used to be a decent-looking guy too. Now people wonder how I'm even related to them or how my mother is older than me. I've been told I look like I'm 40. I'm 26. I hate feeling like I've already completely lost my youth.
I was supposed to spend the night there, but I think I'm pretty "familied out".
I took the ASVAB on Friday. I got a 95. That's supposedly a pretty good score. I was pretty happy, but I really have no one I can share it with. Not everyone may agree with what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but I AM trying to change my life. I'm pretty excited about it. Also, it's admittedly a little scary. I wish I had people I could talk about it with, but everyone I know is either worried and don't like to talk about it, want to talk me out of it, are trying to give me guilt trips, or just don't give a damn. I'm a rational person and I try to put myself in other's shoes, so I understand why everyone would feel the way they do. But it would be nice if there was at least one person who would actually support me.
I finally told my dad. As expected, he wasn't happy about it. And he tried his best to make me feel as guilty about it as possible. Since then, he's been calling me almost everyday telling me all the ways what I'm doing goes against what I've been taught in the Bible. And how I'm spitting on all those that have died or went to prison for their beliefs so that they wouldn't have to fight. He's never angry or rude about it. It would be really easy on me if he was. Instead, he's just sad and disappointed.
Dammit, dad. I don't expect you to tell me you're proud of me or to offer encouragement. But can't you at least say something like "Good luck" or "Be careful"? Show some sign that you care about me outside of your religious beliefs? I don't like to think negatively about the possibilities, but there's a chance I may never make it home. Is that all you have to say to me?
God, I can't wait to leave. I don't want anyone to think that I'm doing this to run away from my life, because I'm not. But god, is it one hell of a perk.
First off, my sister is visiting from FSU, so I drive over to mom's to have dinner with my family. I must be a moron for thinking that for once I'd be able to enjoy a nice meal with my family and just have a good and peaceful time. Instead I listen to my mother and sister bickering the whole evening.
Secondly, I have been called fat, ugly or bald in various combinations by different members of my family no less than three times tonight. Normally, this sort of thing doesn't bother me. I'm used to it. But lately, I have been taking shot after shot to my self-esteem from just about everybody so eventually it starts to crack. Granted, my family is beautiful so they have very high standards, but I used to be a decent-looking guy too. Now people wonder how I'm even related to them or how my mother is older than me. I've been told I look like I'm 40. I'm 26. I hate feeling like I've already completely lost my youth.
I was supposed to spend the night there, but I think I'm pretty "familied out".
I took the ASVAB on Friday. I got a 95. That's supposedly a pretty good score. I was pretty happy, but I really have no one I can share it with. Not everyone may agree with what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but I AM trying to change my life. I'm pretty excited about it. Also, it's admittedly a little scary. I wish I had people I could talk about it with, but everyone I know is either worried and don't like to talk about it, want to talk me out of it, are trying to give me guilt trips, or just don't give a damn. I'm a rational person and I try to put myself in other's shoes, so I understand why everyone would feel the way they do. But it would be nice if there was at least one person who would actually support me.
I finally told my dad. As expected, he wasn't happy about it. And he tried his best to make me feel as guilty about it as possible. Since then, he's been calling me almost everyday telling me all the ways what I'm doing goes against what I've been taught in the Bible. And how I'm spitting on all those that have died or went to prison for their beliefs so that they wouldn't have to fight. He's never angry or rude about it. It would be really easy on me if he was. Instead, he's just sad and disappointed.
Dammit, dad. I don't expect you to tell me you're proud of me or to offer encouragement. But can't you at least say something like "Good luck" or "Be careful"? Show some sign that you care about me outside of your religious beliefs? I don't like to think negatively about the possibilities, but there's a chance I may never make it home. Is that all you have to say to me?
God, I can't wait to leave. I don't want anyone to think that I'm doing this to run away from my life, because I'm not. But god, is it one hell of a perk.