Attention K-Mart Shoppers
I am now the proud owner of a brand new kitchen table. It is not yet assembled, but at least it is in the apartment. Want to know more? No? Just bored? That works too.
Three hours ago my darling roommate and I set out to check out the selection among K-Mart's famous Blue Light Specials. Surprisingly enough, they had something we wanted. So we flagged down a Friendly Neighborhood Salesperson, who then flagged down another Friendly Neighborhood Salesperson, who then recruited Manny the Friendly Neighborhood Salesperson, who helped us remove the Very Heavy Box from the Very Tall Shelf and transport it to the front of the store for purchase. And thus the adventure begins.
Stage One: Loading the Car
Money spent, I return to the front of the store to find Manny missing. Apparently we are to load the Very Heavy Box into my Not So Large Car all by ourselves. Not an immediate problem, as we are Empowered Wellesley Women. However, we are Empowered Wellesley Women amidst a Very Blustery Day. As the skies prepare to open up, the wind blows wildly and I begin to resemble Marilyn Monroe (Attention K-Mart Shoppers: there is a flasher in the parking lot) as Sarah and I hoist the box into the trunk. And it in goes, with the generous assistance of Random Man Who Works For Shipping and Receiving. (By "generous assistance," I mean "a push and a good chuckle at our expense.")
Part Two: The Driving of the Car
Y'all understand that it's a big box, right? So big that I cannot shut the trunk. So there goes visibility out the back window. And have I neglected to mention that my car was vandalized back in May? Oh yeah, there is a spider-web-like crack in the side driver side mirror. So visibility to the left? Notsomuch. The right? Well, I never use that side anyway. The front? Don't tell me you've forgotten about the impending storm. The skies open up just as we shut the doors to the car. Any sane person would have pulled over and waited for the storm to stop. But if you think I'm sane, why are you on my friends list?
Part Three: When It Rains It Pours
The last paragraph was getting long, so I'll mention the apparent malfunction of the engine here. Resonating growl, reminiscent of very portly opera singer, upon acceleration, unlike anything ever heard in this car as of yet. There, consider it mentioned. It stopped when I turned the car off, so I'm not going to worry about that now. Perhaps tomorrow when I visit the mechanic to (hopefully) pick up the replacement mirror and new wiper blades. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that in the last paragraph as well? Yeah, that didn't help with visibility either.
Part Four: Operation Three Flights of Stairs
Have I mentioned that we live on the third floor? And what about the Very Heavy Box? Not a good combination. So rather than leave the trunk wide open until Buff Humans can be recruited for Operation Three Flights of Stairs, we decide to open the box and carry table parts up the stairs one by one. By the end of the process, both pairs of flip flops have been abandoned by the side of the road, and we are wandering around barefoot with large wooden objects. And the landlord wants to put in our new runner just as we are hauling the heaviest item up the porch steps. Brilliant. So now in addition to the table top in the hallway, there are now 12 pieces of chair in the living room, 6 unopened boxes of legs in the kitchen, a brand new, freshly trimmed rug on the landing, and two new sweaty additions to the laundry pile. And the rain just stopped. What timing.
Part Five: Topless Screwing
No story would be complete without amusing quotations. So, for your enjoyment, I present to you, The Top Three Things Sarah Should Have Told Me After I Had Already Closed the Update Window.
3, upon examining the diagrams in the instruction booklet: "They are discriminating against those of us who do not have carpet." Yeah, because THAT'S the most pressing concern of this process...
2, upon reading the instructions for assembly: "This is kind of a lot of screwing, dude." Well I'm glad I took my shirt off already.
1, upon realizing that a the plastic container containing nuts and bolts had broken somewhere along the way: "There are a lot of screws loose." And that my friends, just about sums up our adventure.
Three hours ago my darling roommate and I set out to check out the selection among K-Mart's famous Blue Light Specials. Surprisingly enough, they had something we wanted. So we flagged down a Friendly Neighborhood Salesperson, who then flagged down another Friendly Neighborhood Salesperson, who then recruited Manny the Friendly Neighborhood Salesperson, who helped us remove the Very Heavy Box from the Very Tall Shelf and transport it to the front of the store for purchase. And thus the adventure begins.
Stage One: Loading the Car
Money spent, I return to the front of the store to find Manny missing. Apparently we are to load the Very Heavy Box into my Not So Large Car all by ourselves. Not an immediate problem, as we are Empowered Wellesley Women. However, we are Empowered Wellesley Women amidst a Very Blustery Day. As the skies prepare to open up, the wind blows wildly and I begin to resemble Marilyn Monroe (Attention K-Mart Shoppers: there is a flasher in the parking lot) as Sarah and I hoist the box into the trunk. And it in goes, with the generous assistance of Random Man Who Works For Shipping and Receiving. (By "generous assistance," I mean "a push and a good chuckle at our expense.")
Part Two: The Driving of the Car
Y'all understand that it's a big box, right? So big that I cannot shut the trunk. So there goes visibility out the back window. And have I neglected to mention that my car was vandalized back in May? Oh yeah, there is a spider-web-like crack in the side driver side mirror. So visibility to the left? Notsomuch. The right? Well, I never use that side anyway. The front? Don't tell me you've forgotten about the impending storm. The skies open up just as we shut the doors to the car. Any sane person would have pulled over and waited for the storm to stop. But if you think I'm sane, why are you on my friends list?
Part Three: When It Rains It Pours
The last paragraph was getting long, so I'll mention the apparent malfunction of the engine here. Resonating growl, reminiscent of very portly opera singer, upon acceleration, unlike anything ever heard in this car as of yet. There, consider it mentioned. It stopped when I turned the car off, so I'm not going to worry about that now. Perhaps tomorrow when I visit the mechanic to (hopefully) pick up the replacement mirror and new wiper blades. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that in the last paragraph as well? Yeah, that didn't help with visibility either.
Part Four: Operation Three Flights of Stairs
Have I mentioned that we live on the third floor? And what about the Very Heavy Box? Not a good combination. So rather than leave the trunk wide open until Buff Humans can be recruited for Operation Three Flights of Stairs, we decide to open the box and carry table parts up the stairs one by one. By the end of the process, both pairs of flip flops have been abandoned by the side of the road, and we are wandering around barefoot with large wooden objects. And the landlord wants to put in our new runner just as we are hauling the heaviest item up the porch steps. Brilliant. So now in addition to the table top in the hallway, there are now 12 pieces of chair in the living room, 6 unopened boxes of legs in the kitchen, a brand new, freshly trimmed rug on the landing, and two new sweaty additions to the laundry pile. And the rain just stopped. What timing.
Part Five: Topless Screwing
No story would be complete without amusing quotations. So, for your enjoyment, I present to you, The Top Three Things Sarah Should Have Told Me After I Had Already Closed the Update Window.
3, upon examining the diagrams in the instruction booklet: "They are discriminating against those of us who do not have carpet." Yeah, because THAT'S the most pressing concern of this process...
2, upon reading the instructions for assembly: "This is kind of a lot of screwing, dude." Well I'm glad I took my shirt off already.
1, upon realizing that a the plastic container containing nuts and bolts had broken somewhere along the way: "There are a lot of screws loose." And that my friends, just about sums up our adventure.