2/25/06. My first attempt to cut myself.
Shia
I have noticed you have been avoiding me, I have felt the rejection. I will take one step towards you, I will come in your room and your eyes will say "Don't bother me."
I am afraid to be rejected, thats what I felt in my life, maybe my low self esteem from my face marks. I might have passed this to you. Please do not be like me. You are smart and you are intelligent beautiful girl.
When Arshad had his own problem, I thought he is rejecting me. I tried to find love and to be loved by man outside of marriage to escape from pain I did stupid things.
Please dont be like me, today i have more wisdom, which i wish i had before and more strength. I dont want a man to tell me that. If you are strong, then only you will find a right man. Its dangerous to sleep with men under drugs influence. I have read your diary and noticed the amount you are spending on xanax, valium, and cocaine.
You hate your dad and you dont want to be like him -- look and see what path you are choosing. Alcohol will take you to xanax and valium when you tried to stop alcohol and to have more kick you will use cocaine but all these drugs will not take you out from your problems. They will put you in more problems - it does not cure but its a disease.
I am sorry you were born with it, but you are a fighter. Win this battle and overcome this disease. the cure is in your hands. the choice is yours. I will never stop loving you will never stop praying for you. I will not let devil take over you. But for your own good I have to set boundaries. I would ask you to leave the car here. and take care of your phone also. I will discontinue this service on martch 4th.
You will start your new life in san diego. My all best wishes for you. I will wait for that day when you will have nothing but truth in you. You know fear can give anxiety or panic attack too, i have suffered that you are witness. but answer is not in drugs, they ruin the brain more. Answer is in God. He loves you, I love you, but you have to have those eyes to see that.
Not with resentment.
You might think I love Nikki more than but I love you both the same. But I like her behaviour more, she does not hate my face.
She proudly invites me inside her work place wants her co-workers to see her mother. She will tell me her whole day story what happened at work, I loved that about her. Her concern, her care about me.
But i love you both from the death of my heart. thats the only thing i have best. but i hope you know it or one day you will. What I am doing right now you will not like, you might hate me, maybe forever, but maybe not.
But because of my past life with Arshad my whole life has gone with him and his lies, his tricks, his unfaithfulness. I dont want to go there again with you.
But I am here if you need advice. Maybe you dont think you dont need anybody. My love and prayers will follow you.
Mom.
-------------------------------------------------------
Could we just this once see eye to eye?
Could you want perhaps me?
Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last
It's you I admire
My living example
I'm your's forever
Will you love me when I'm gone?
-Incubus
I have noticed you have been avoiding me, I have felt the rejection. I will take one step towards you, I will come in your room and your eyes will say "Don't bother me."
I am afraid to be rejected, thats what I felt in my life, maybe my low self esteem from my face marks. I might have passed this to you. Please do not be like me. You are smart and you are intelligent beautiful girl.
When Arshad had his own problem, I thought he is rejecting me. I tried to find love and to be loved by man outside of marriage to escape from pain I did stupid things.
Please dont be like me, today i have more wisdom, which i wish i had before and more strength. I dont want a man to tell me that. If you are strong, then only you will find a right man. Its dangerous to sleep with men under drugs influence. I have read your diary and noticed the amount you are spending on xanax, valium, and cocaine.
You hate your dad and you dont want to be like him -- look and see what path you are choosing. Alcohol will take you to xanax and valium when you tried to stop alcohol and to have more kick you will use cocaine but all these drugs will not take you out from your problems. They will put you in more problems - it does not cure but its a disease.
I am sorry you were born with it, but you are a fighter. Win this battle and overcome this disease. the cure is in your hands. the choice is yours. I will never stop loving you will never stop praying for you. I will not let devil take over you. But for your own good I have to set boundaries. I would ask you to leave the car here. and take care of your phone also. I will discontinue this service on martch 4th.
You will start your new life in san diego. My all best wishes for you. I will wait for that day when you will have nothing but truth in you. You know fear can give anxiety or panic attack too, i have suffered that you are witness. but answer is not in drugs, they ruin the brain more. Answer is in God. He loves you, I love you, but you have to have those eyes to see that.
Not with resentment.
You might think I love Nikki more than but I love you both the same. But I like her behaviour more, she does not hate my face.
She proudly invites me inside her work place wants her co-workers to see her mother. She will tell me her whole day story what happened at work, I loved that about her. Her concern, her care about me.
But i love you both from the death of my heart. thats the only thing i have best. but i hope you know it or one day you will. What I am doing right now you will not like, you might hate me, maybe forever, but maybe not.
But because of my past life with Arshad my whole life has gone with him and his lies, his tricks, his unfaithfulness. I dont want to go there again with you.
But I am here if you need advice. Maybe you dont think you dont need anybody. My love and prayers will follow you.
Mom.
-------------------------------------------------------
Could we just this once see eye to eye?
Could you want perhaps me?
Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last
It's you I admire
My living example
I'm your's forever
Will you love me when I'm gone?
-Incubus