Im actually really beautiful.
Yeah, so I'm going through old lj posts tonight. Re-reading a lot of these things is so depressing. The amount of abuse I actually let happen to myself is actually quite appalling. It's not ok for someone you care about and supposedly cares about you to consistently be drilling it into you that you can never say no, never stand up for yourself, never do what's right, never say anything important, never do anything well, never form relationships with people (youre too awkward), never even fucking dress yourself in a way that is suitable. It is totally fucked. To know that the above mentioned person is probably continuing this abuse with new partners is even more fucked.
I found this private entry from like three years ago:
"Sometimes all I really want to do is just shoot myself in the head and forget about everything, or at least die for a few days and then come back to life. It would be nice not to feel anything for a while. Also, if you are dead for 10 days just imagine how much weight you will loose. Sometimes I really feel like there is no one I can go to and Im so scared of losing people that mean a lot to me. Because what if I loose everyone and then there is no one left and I die alone and everyone hates me? I really just want to die right now. I can't stop thinking about just putting a bullet in my head and calling it a day. I really just want to so badly. I think a lot of people would come to my funeral, but few would be truly sad. Its because I just casually know so many people and never truly know those who I probably should know. It seems like those who I am closest to don't really care about me so why cant I find anyone who really does? This is my problem and I need to fix it. I need to feel better about myself and I need to stop pushing everyone away. I need to stop being dumb and I need to loose weight. I need to move out and I need to find someone who will love me forever. I need to take a shower and get a job and stop being so stupid."
alright alright, I obviously don't feel that way anymore, but it's really fucked up when you realize that posts like the one above seemed to get more and more extreme as time went on. I'm really glad that I'm in a pretty fucking healthy relationship right now.
I found this private entry from like three years ago:
"Sometimes all I really want to do is just shoot myself in the head and forget about everything, or at least die for a few days and then come back to life. It would be nice not to feel anything for a while. Also, if you are dead for 10 days just imagine how much weight you will loose. Sometimes I really feel like there is no one I can go to and Im so scared of losing people that mean a lot to me. Because what if I loose everyone and then there is no one left and I die alone and everyone hates me? I really just want to die right now. I can't stop thinking about just putting a bullet in my head and calling it a day. I really just want to so badly. I think a lot of people would come to my funeral, but few would be truly sad. Its because I just casually know so many people and never truly know those who I probably should know. It seems like those who I am closest to don't really care about me so why cant I find anyone who really does? This is my problem and I need to fix it. I need to feel better about myself and I need to stop pushing everyone away. I need to stop being dumb and I need to loose weight. I need to move out and I need to find someone who will love me forever. I need to take a shower and get a job and stop being so stupid."
alright alright, I obviously don't feel that way anymore, but it's really fucked up when you realize that posts like the one above seemed to get more and more extreme as time went on. I'm really glad that I'm in a pretty fucking healthy relationship right now.