[IC Journal - Ezidran] This Valentine's.
((For Author's Note: For warnings and author's notes, please click here. Warning: Coarse language.))
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[IC Journal - Ezidran] Written Journal Entry - "This Valentine's"
Shit, man, I screwed up. I had no clue 'Love In the Air' week was the time Dynast lost Vhaine. Fuck me. Am I really stupid for showering him with affections at the wrong time?
Dynast's been treating me quite coldly every time I try to greet him. I cannot exactly blame him after how sordid we have been through during Zain's disappearance as he even told me he wasn't happy to be with me. I still love him nonetheless. But even after Zain returned... I thought things were going to get better.
Not exactly. Every time I hugged him, he never return the affection - Even when we are alone, not out in the public. I know he hates public affection displays. I'd like to think I am just stupid and doing it at the wrong time, wrong place when he's not in the mood for it but I am starting to question if he hates it. If he hates me.
I presented him with a heart candy yesterday, hugged him and kissed him where both of us are alone. He appeared irritated by me and turned away from me.
It just was not right. It just not that one time.
I miss the Dynast who would always want to touch me and kiss me and tell me it's alright to love as a dead man. I miss the Dynast that I met at first sight who wanted to see me smile.
I cannot help to feel as if Zain gains an upperhand over Dynast due their similar personalities. I love them both, really but I love Dynast the most, he's number one in my life. Adrasteius' right - Marriage is between two people, only. I find myself unable to love two at the same time because the love I desire is only Dynast. I may seek approval and acknowledgement from Zain but none of it as fulfilling and happy as being loved back by Dynast.
Maybe I should try harder. I am pathetic.