(no subject)
"there's alot of things that I miss."
When something starts off like that, 98%, it's going to be long and depressing. I guess that I really don't have anything to complain about. I mean I REALLY shouldn't complain about anything. As long as I can keep up with my school work (which isn't proving to be much of a problem, considering that I'm only actually going to two classes...), I've got at least the next 3 yrs. of my life paid for. But man... there are *alot* of years after that. It's just mind-blowing how short of a time we're here, but how long it seems when we're actually living our lives. There's some Modest Mouse song that has a line like "the years go fast but the days move so slow" or something along those lines. Those are some of the truest lyrics I've heard. And I've heard alot of true things, though less than I had percieved as such, as I have recently been discovering. It's strange how you can never trust a person's word. It's strange how sometimes you can't even trust your own word. That's my main problem, I think. It feels like I'm a completely different person day to day... even hour-to-hour sometimes... most of the time, come to think of it. For awhile I was even convinced that I had some sort of psychotic disorder like schizophrenia or split personalities or something... It's just so weird... I feel like a completely different person, yet the same exact person that I've always been at the same time. Like I'm just a different version of the same person. Like when you compare cars from the 60's to those of today. They had those heavy steel bodies and could pretty much go through anything; a little bump between cars was just as common as it is today, but much less of a problem. On the other hand, let's take these new aluminum-alloy bodies or whatever.... sure, the cars of today are bigger, faster, and smarter, but does that make them better or worse? When you're going faster, you're only going to crash harder. I guess that's pretty much what I've realized. I put so much effort into myself the last two years of high school that I realize that I had been ignoring the entire world around me. Now, I get here, into this world that I've so long remained blind to, and find that it is even less blind of me. That part I can accept, I suppose, but the logic of it all seems flawed in that I sometimes wonder why I'm working for a society that doesn't work for me.
Sometimes it seems like all I need to do is learn how to hold a conversation. I've never really been able to hold a real, normal conversation. I suppose I've always had my own brand, without even really realizing it, aside from the reactions of the rest of society to my behavior. On the scale of things to never figure out, though, that's pretty high up there. I mean nobody except your calculus teacher, and maybe future architectural overseer, gives a fuck if you didn't learn how to integrate a complex mathematical function, but if you're unable, for whatever reason (lack of practice, I suppose, in my case), to hold an interesting conversation with someone, you will be almost immediately rejected. Not only ejected from that conversation, but ejected from 'real' contact with people. I mean, think about it, what activities in your daily lives don't involve an interaction with people? And which of these interactions don't involve a conversation of some sort? Whether a conversation in spoken language, or that of the body, there's going to be some sort of stimulus-response interaction going on there for both of you. So what's my point? I need to learn to interact with people better. That's pretty much it. Plus stop smoking. And start exercising again. And eating right. And get on a normal sleep schedule. And start going to my classes. And start doing the work for my classes. That's about it. Sweet, not too bad.
So I just realized that nowhere in this whole boring and bland rant did I even make a reference to one of the many people that I care about. I suppose maybe that's what one of my main problems is. My mind is so jumbled with my own damn self that I don't think about others enough. I mean, sure, I think about other people alot. Hell, I will still occasionally just think of random encounters with complete strangers for no particular reason. But that's just all talk. The thing is, I think about people alot, but I don't actually do enough for people. Hell, I don't even talk to them. Even the people that I consider my closest friends I sometimes feel very uncomfortable in a room with, even for no reason at all. I don't know... I'm not sure exactly what my deal is, but I really need to get shit together. I'm not really even sure why I wrote this. Chances are, nobody will read it, or care. They'll just read about me being admitted to the insane asylum and will be like "hey I knew that kid in high school" or something... If that's the case, all I ask is for a nice view out my window.
When something starts off like that, 98%, it's going to be long and depressing. I guess that I really don't have anything to complain about. I mean I REALLY shouldn't complain about anything. As long as I can keep up with my school work (which isn't proving to be much of a problem, considering that I'm only actually going to two classes...), I've got at least the next 3 yrs. of my life paid for. But man... there are *alot* of years after that. It's just mind-blowing how short of a time we're here, but how long it seems when we're actually living our lives. There's some Modest Mouse song that has a line like "the years go fast but the days move so slow" or something along those lines. Those are some of the truest lyrics I've heard. And I've heard alot of true things, though less than I had percieved as such, as I have recently been discovering. It's strange how you can never trust a person's word. It's strange how sometimes you can't even trust your own word. That's my main problem, I think. It feels like I'm a completely different person day to day... even hour-to-hour sometimes... most of the time, come to think of it. For awhile I was even convinced that I had some sort of psychotic disorder like schizophrenia or split personalities or something... It's just so weird... I feel like a completely different person, yet the same exact person that I've always been at the same time. Like I'm just a different version of the same person. Like when you compare cars from the 60's to those of today. They had those heavy steel bodies and could pretty much go through anything; a little bump between cars was just as common as it is today, but much less of a problem. On the other hand, let's take these new aluminum-alloy bodies or whatever.... sure, the cars of today are bigger, faster, and smarter, but does that make them better or worse? When you're going faster, you're only going to crash harder. I guess that's pretty much what I've realized. I put so much effort into myself the last two years of high school that I realize that I had been ignoring the entire world around me. Now, I get here, into this world that I've so long remained blind to, and find that it is even less blind of me. That part I can accept, I suppose, but the logic of it all seems flawed in that I sometimes wonder why I'm working for a society that doesn't work for me.
Sometimes it seems like all I need to do is learn how to hold a conversation. I've never really been able to hold a real, normal conversation. I suppose I've always had my own brand, without even really realizing it, aside from the reactions of the rest of society to my behavior. On the scale of things to never figure out, though, that's pretty high up there. I mean nobody except your calculus teacher, and maybe future architectural overseer, gives a fuck if you didn't learn how to integrate a complex mathematical function, but if you're unable, for whatever reason (lack of practice, I suppose, in my case), to hold an interesting conversation with someone, you will be almost immediately rejected. Not only ejected from that conversation, but ejected from 'real' contact with people. I mean, think about it, what activities in your daily lives don't involve an interaction with people? And which of these interactions don't involve a conversation of some sort? Whether a conversation in spoken language, or that of the body, there's going to be some sort of stimulus-response interaction going on there for both of you. So what's my point? I need to learn to interact with people better. That's pretty much it. Plus stop smoking. And start exercising again. And eating right. And get on a normal sleep schedule. And start going to my classes. And start doing the work for my classes. That's about it. Sweet, not too bad.
So I just realized that nowhere in this whole boring and bland rant did I even make a reference to one of the many people that I care about. I suppose maybe that's what one of my main problems is. My mind is so jumbled with my own damn self that I don't think about others enough. I mean, sure, I think about other people alot. Hell, I will still occasionally just think of random encounters with complete strangers for no particular reason. But that's just all talk. The thing is, I think about people alot, but I don't actually do enough for people. Hell, I don't even talk to them. Even the people that I consider my closest friends I sometimes feel very uncomfortable in a room with, even for no reason at all. I don't know... I'm not sure exactly what my deal is, but I really need to get shit together. I'm not really even sure why I wrote this. Chances are, nobody will read it, or care. They'll just read about me being admitted to the insane asylum and will be like "hey I knew that kid in high school" or something... If that's the case, all I ask is for a nice view out my window.