going strait
something happened last week. it's scary and I don't like it (but sort of do on one level). I had a very depressed day and found pics of women online arousing. (when depressed I usually drift heterosexual but usually male pics arouse me even then). Since then my attraction has gone almost purely to women (I see men as cute still, but not attractive), my fantasies drifted more feminine (though still gender mixed) for about a week but are drifting more male again. However this last twist still left scars. Since then my attraction has been to women (mostly heavyset girls) and pics of "men" no longer arouse me, but pics of women haven't turned me on since either. Though pics of CD's and crossdressers (even unpassing ones) do.
My attraction drifting female again worries me for a few reasons.
1. I HAVE TROUBLE CLICKING WITH GENETIC GIRLS: Most girls don't share my interests. Admittedly most guys don't either except a few geeky guys. But with genetic girls it seems deeper. They seem to have different interests and are culturally attuned differently. Online chatting with a g-girl feels very different from chatting with t-girls, strait guys with gender fetishes, and bi guys (though gay guys seem split between some who feel like guys and some who feel like girls when I chat with them). I find g-girls online do not offer verbal emotional support like guys do and are different sexually too. Also g-girls online seem freaked out by mens issues (especially sexually fetishy ones). I find mens similarities online to be more comforting.
2. ONLINE G GIRLS SEEM ODD, DIFFERENT, AND EVEN SCARY: My genetic girl experience online (mainly either few lesbiens who frequented TG stuff, mostly seeking role reversal or girl to girl fantasies, or girls asking to cyber in chat rooms) is a little unnerving to say the least. I find genetic girls fall into 4 categories. 1. ALL SEX: I like a bit of RP with my cyber, and prefer partners who can offer me RL support on issues that bother me. Alot of genetic girls I meet online ONLY want sex and are unable to understand the combining of emotional needs with sexual ones. Geneic girls (unlike t girls, strait guys, and bi's but like some gay guys but not all (gays seems fairly split) seem to suck at offering verbal support. NOTE: most of my online guy friends have gender/sexuality issues so this view is likely skewed. 2. NO SEX: I like a bit of sex in my RP's too. The other group of g girls is rarer and they want all rp and no sex. Weirder still is they tend to be persuing a fetish so it is odd seeing that done with no desire for sex at all. 3. EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE; I met one girl (who was torn between being a lesbien and a FtM) who was an emotional rollercoaster. On some days you could open your heart to her and tell her what bothers you and she's support you. On other days you'd just give her a vulnerable target to hurt. Another g girl (a lesbien into FtF changes on TG groups) tended to enjoy causing emotional harm to men who felt like outcasts. Both of these women caused pain when men were most vulnerable and I found it scary. My genetic male friends online do not do that and are always supportive. I wish G males were like that in real life instead of emotionless shells. 4. FREAKY AND SCARY: I notice g girls with scary sexual tastes (pain, torture, dominance, kids, animals, etc.) seem MUCH more common than guys. I also met one freakish girl on yahoo chat who was seeking to feminize her children in real life. This is scary stuff. It makes me worry. G Guys online (at least on sexuality/gender sites) seem open and friendly and supportive reflecting mens deep inner need to be emotional as that is who we are inside and that is what is denied us in real life. Does this mean inside all genetic women are truely sadistic, vindictive, bitches? I hope not but that thought scares me.
3. G GIRLS FIND MENS SEXUAL ISSUES TO BE WEIRD AND FREAKY: Sexually G girls seem to occupy threeo rough categories (with one or two exceptions). The rarer of the two is the normal TF fetsh one, but even then girls persue different emotional needs from men and I cannot click with them and sometimes they are unnervingly different to me. The next most common is the freakish/scary one mentioned above. But the most common genetic girl sexual tastes seem to be just arousal by men. In fact most genetic girls i see talk sexual stuff in RL or online seem to have no fetishes at all and it seems that fantasizing on male celebrities is an extreme fetish to them. The idea of men having sexual fantasies that are just fantasy and fill emotional needs seems to scare them.
4. ON SOME LEVEL I FEEL GIRLS HAVE LIED TO ME: I know this will sound silly and paranoid, but in the PC movement I literally beleived what girls said about men and women as it fit my experiences and made me feel self worth. When they said men are sexual abusers who are out to victimize women and women need protection from sexual harrassment I beleived them. After all I was sexually harrassed by guys at school and knew no one should have to go through this. I literally beleived when women said they wanted men who were in touch with their feminine side. After all I wanted to be a girl at the time. I literally beleived when women said they wanted men who looked at womens faces and not their bodies. I haven't been attracted to womens bodies until recently. I beleived when women said guys were dishonorable brutes who cheat on women while women were caring and family oriented. I saw a neighbors family torn apart when the man of the house left his wife and kid for another woman. I beleived them when women said they wanted a nice guy who is kind, friendly, and has a sense of humor. I beleived them when women said they want men for their emotions and nice personality and not their body.
Then something happened, I started observing women at work. I was shocked by what I saw. I saw women chasing men for their body, i seen women who had boyfriends being jealous when other women flirted with guys who were not their lovers, i seen women cheat on their husbands leaving them with the kids when they broke up, i seen women sexually harrass men, i seen women again and again ignore kind and emotional men and chase jerks and when these relationships go wrong they call all men jerks only to chase jerks again always blaming the men and not their taste in men. I seen women enjoy men admiring their bodies yet when men admire their faces they find it freaky and creepy staring.
You may ask how are women any different in this than men then? Men never had a political movement that shined them in a false light only to pass much eneded equality laws only to reveal the image they presented of themselves was a carefully crafted lie. Women did and I beleived the lie. Now I wonder if women like how they once presented themselves even exist at all.
5. I AM NOT SURE THEIR WILL BE A GIRL MAN ENOUGH FOR ME: lately my tastes in girls range to heavyset and butchy girls, and I want a girl who is like a man emotionally (honeslty I'd prefer being attracted to men again). But butchy girls are mostly lesbiens and women who claim to be like men are usually like women emotionally except they are sexually crude, athletic, or macho (which is ugly in any gender) while being women. I do want a girl whose emotionally and interest wise like the guys I am friends with in RL and like the guys I know online.
6. WITH MY ATTRACTION CHANGING SO MUCH CAN I EVEN TRUST MY EMOTIONS: If my tastes change both sexuality change, and my tastes in women, so much. How could I trust myself to love anyone.
7. ANGRY AS MY QUESTIONINGS LEFT ME CAN I EVER GET CLOSE TO ANYONE: Since end questioning shattered me I have been very angry. angry at men, women, the GLBT, my job, thinking sexist and racist thoughts at time (which is not like me and I dislike it). Anger in this way is new to me and I am not used to them. If I am angry can I ever trust myself to get close to anyone. I need to overcome this obstacle first, and to rebuild my trust in women.
as I said, i am feeling strait lately in everything but fantasies and do not like it. I wish I could be bi again. Or at the very least find a way to regain my trust in women, find a women who is like a man emotionally, and overcome my anger at everyone so I can be happy again.
My attraction drifting female again worries me for a few reasons.
1. I HAVE TROUBLE CLICKING WITH GENETIC GIRLS: Most girls don't share my interests. Admittedly most guys don't either except a few geeky guys. But with genetic girls it seems deeper. They seem to have different interests and are culturally attuned differently. Online chatting with a g-girl feels very different from chatting with t-girls, strait guys with gender fetishes, and bi guys (though gay guys seem split between some who feel like guys and some who feel like girls when I chat with them). I find g-girls online do not offer verbal emotional support like guys do and are different sexually too. Also g-girls online seem freaked out by mens issues (especially sexually fetishy ones). I find mens similarities online to be more comforting.
2. ONLINE G GIRLS SEEM ODD, DIFFERENT, AND EVEN SCARY: My genetic girl experience online (mainly either few lesbiens who frequented TG stuff, mostly seeking role reversal or girl to girl fantasies, or girls asking to cyber in chat rooms) is a little unnerving to say the least. I find genetic girls fall into 4 categories. 1. ALL SEX: I like a bit of RP with my cyber, and prefer partners who can offer me RL support on issues that bother me. Alot of genetic girls I meet online ONLY want sex and are unable to understand the combining of emotional needs with sexual ones. Geneic girls (unlike t girls, strait guys, and bi's but like some gay guys but not all (gays seems fairly split) seem to suck at offering verbal support. NOTE: most of my online guy friends have gender/sexuality issues so this view is likely skewed. 2. NO SEX: I like a bit of sex in my RP's too. The other group of g girls is rarer and they want all rp and no sex. Weirder still is they tend to be persuing a fetish so it is odd seeing that done with no desire for sex at all. 3. EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE; I met one girl (who was torn between being a lesbien and a FtM) who was an emotional rollercoaster. On some days you could open your heart to her and tell her what bothers you and she's support you. On other days you'd just give her a vulnerable target to hurt. Another g girl (a lesbien into FtF changes on TG groups) tended to enjoy causing emotional harm to men who felt like outcasts. Both of these women caused pain when men were most vulnerable and I found it scary. My genetic male friends online do not do that and are always supportive. I wish G males were like that in real life instead of emotionless shells. 4. FREAKY AND SCARY: I notice g girls with scary sexual tastes (pain, torture, dominance, kids, animals, etc.) seem MUCH more common than guys. I also met one freakish girl on yahoo chat who was seeking to feminize her children in real life. This is scary stuff. It makes me worry. G Guys online (at least on sexuality/gender sites) seem open and friendly and supportive reflecting mens deep inner need to be emotional as that is who we are inside and that is what is denied us in real life. Does this mean inside all genetic women are truely sadistic, vindictive, bitches? I hope not but that thought scares me.
3. G GIRLS FIND MENS SEXUAL ISSUES TO BE WEIRD AND FREAKY: Sexually G girls seem to occupy threeo rough categories (with one or two exceptions). The rarer of the two is the normal TF fetsh one, but even then girls persue different emotional needs from men and I cannot click with them and sometimes they are unnervingly different to me. The next most common is the freakish/scary one mentioned above. But the most common genetic girl sexual tastes seem to be just arousal by men. In fact most genetic girls i see talk sexual stuff in RL or online seem to have no fetishes at all and it seems that fantasizing on male celebrities is an extreme fetish to them. The idea of men having sexual fantasies that are just fantasy and fill emotional needs seems to scare them.
4. ON SOME LEVEL I FEEL GIRLS HAVE LIED TO ME: I know this will sound silly and paranoid, but in the PC movement I literally beleived what girls said about men and women as it fit my experiences and made me feel self worth. When they said men are sexual abusers who are out to victimize women and women need protection from sexual harrassment I beleived them. After all I was sexually harrassed by guys at school and knew no one should have to go through this. I literally beleived when women said they wanted men who were in touch with their feminine side. After all I wanted to be a girl at the time. I literally beleived when women said they wanted men who looked at womens faces and not their bodies. I haven't been attracted to womens bodies until recently. I beleived when women said guys were dishonorable brutes who cheat on women while women were caring and family oriented. I saw a neighbors family torn apart when the man of the house left his wife and kid for another woman. I beleived them when women said they wanted a nice guy who is kind, friendly, and has a sense of humor. I beleived them when women said they want men for their emotions and nice personality and not their body.
Then something happened, I started observing women at work. I was shocked by what I saw. I saw women chasing men for their body, i seen women who had boyfriends being jealous when other women flirted with guys who were not their lovers, i seen women cheat on their husbands leaving them with the kids when they broke up, i seen women sexually harrass men, i seen women again and again ignore kind and emotional men and chase jerks and when these relationships go wrong they call all men jerks only to chase jerks again always blaming the men and not their taste in men. I seen women enjoy men admiring their bodies yet when men admire their faces they find it freaky and creepy staring.
You may ask how are women any different in this than men then? Men never had a political movement that shined them in a false light only to pass much eneded equality laws only to reveal the image they presented of themselves was a carefully crafted lie. Women did and I beleived the lie. Now I wonder if women like how they once presented themselves even exist at all.
5. I AM NOT SURE THEIR WILL BE A GIRL MAN ENOUGH FOR ME: lately my tastes in girls range to heavyset and butchy girls, and I want a girl who is like a man emotionally (honeslty I'd prefer being attracted to men again). But butchy girls are mostly lesbiens and women who claim to be like men are usually like women emotionally except they are sexually crude, athletic, or macho (which is ugly in any gender) while being women. I do want a girl whose emotionally and interest wise like the guys I am friends with in RL and like the guys I know online.
6. WITH MY ATTRACTION CHANGING SO MUCH CAN I EVEN TRUST MY EMOTIONS: If my tastes change both sexuality change, and my tastes in women, so much. How could I trust myself to love anyone.
7. ANGRY AS MY QUESTIONINGS LEFT ME CAN I EVER GET CLOSE TO ANYONE: Since end questioning shattered me I have been very angry. angry at men, women, the GLBT, my job, thinking sexist and racist thoughts at time (which is not like me and I dislike it). Anger in this way is new to me and I am not used to them. If I am angry can I ever trust myself to get close to anyone. I need to overcome this obstacle first, and to rebuild my trust in women.
as I said, i am feeling strait lately in everything but fantasies and do not like it. I wish I could be bi again. Or at the very least find a way to regain my trust in women, find a women who is like a man emotionally, and overcome my anger at everyone so I can be happy again.