(no subject)
Why can't he see how much I need him? How much I miss him? Why is it that at first everything was fine, and then suddenly... it wasn't. I miss him so much but he doesn't want to speak to me. If I lose him, that's it. I'll have lost pretty much all my friends from my 'old' life. Can I do that? I don't think I can. He's always been there for me, since this whole thing got started. I've never pushed him away, ever. And yet, because of one thing, he can't deal with it anymore. I talked to him about my choice in my life. He said he understood. Was he lying? Why would he do that to me? I accept his lifestyle, no questions asked. Why is it that, one by one, all my friends are leaving me? It seems like I can only count on two people being my friend, maybe not even two. I have one who is a confirmed friend and the other, well I haven't heard back from her yet. It's just hard; going from having many friends to having next to none. I can't even count one friend as a friend anymore, as she spends all of her time with a friend who left me after being there for most of my life. He told me that if they left over him then they weren't very good friends. But it hurts so much to think about they just abandoned me the second I needed them most. I know what I did was wrong, but why punish me so severely when I have punished myself more than enough? I've gone to bed crying; I've shed more tears over my former friends and the fact that they left me then I think I've ever shed for myself. And they just don't care. And that's what hurts the most. The fact that none of my friends care while I have sat and cried for them and care about them even now. Even as I write this I'm saddened by the fact that they hate me. Well, if that is the way it will be, then so be it. I can't say I'll ever get over how hurt I still am, and how I'll always think about them and miss them. I'm almost positive they have all but forgotten me, and I guess I can accept that. At any rate, sitting here moping about it won't make it any better, so I guess it's time I stopped writing in this journal, and start doing something else, like drowning my sorrows in soda and pasta. Goodnight, cruel world.