(no subject)
What is up with me being optimistic? That's so unlike me. And comforting people. Yes. People, which means more than one person. I don't know. It's almost a reaction that I have now. I mean, I can be bitter and jaded but when someone else is, it's not cool. Too much bitterness then. Haha. But Meredith was all freaking out about college applications and I don't know, under pressure, because I couldn't think of anything to say (much less the right thing to say), I stole Mr. McCall's line.
"It'll all will work out in the end."
Ahh...I miss his class. Haha. He doesn't say it as much anymore. That's funny Tina. And kinda sad too. But funny, so it's all okay.
And I was reading somewhere, some magazine had asked Sarah Jessica Parker if she had any regrets in her life. And she named some of them. And it made me think, "Do I have any regrets in life?" It's weird, because the answer is yes and no. Yeah, sure I have regrets. Or I will have some bigger regrets. I wish I had allowed myself to forget some of the bad habits I have, but at the same time, it's like, "No, I don't have any regrets." Because all those things I regret, they make me who I am today, and if any of them had changed, I might be someone else completely different.
I have always been pragmatic (haha, Shanaz knows why I laugh...mostly because she laughed at me!), but now that just makes me depressed. And there is still a part of me who is idealist, although I hate it sometimes, because what I can envision (which is everything) isn't always what I want to see, sadly enough. Maybe I do want him to like me, maybe (shoot me now) I do want to be his girlfriend, but I don't want it. And this is where the problems lies with me. Everyone assumes I'm only realistic and practical, but there is a big part of me that lies with that hope. You can't live without it. But I'm pulled in so many different directions that I never know what to do or even what I want. I'm so indecisive. My mom can testify to that. Never take me shopping, because I'm always struggling with whether to get it or not.
And so, it's that indecision that I hate. So I react to it. There lies, what Tina calls, my psychological cutting. Haha. To me, it's known as closure. So what if he tells me he doesn't like me? Being rejected isn't so bad. It's better than wishing forever for something that may never happen. Teasing myself. That's what it would be. And for me, I've been trying to grow out of that, just in general. Honesty is the game I want to play now. No more hiding or being afraid, when there isn't anything to hide from except our fears. And if my greatest fear is rejection or failure, then I have to overcome that. And that didn't make any sense...ahh. Haha.
I don't know. I just felt like typing.
Want to go see movies on...Tuesday? Want to have a sleepover? Want to find a way to celebrate my 18th birthday? Ha! I'm almost legal. I can almost go to a strip club. Why that is the biggest rite of passage, I have no idea...but okay. Back on track. Which movies? Memoirs? Narina? Pride and Prejudice...again? Haha. No Rent. It left Houston today...that's about it. Now a little note for me...or Agbu, because at least she cares about my mental capacity.
Reading List for Winter Break
- The Queen's Fool by Philippa Gregory = Finished, but now I want to read more of her books
- Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris = Finished
- The Mermaid Singing by Lisa Carey = Finished
- A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libby Bray = Finished, and now to find the sequel...
- The Plot Against America by Phillip Roth = On page 2...or one. Haha.
- The Dark Queen by Susan Carroll = Still in the bag from the store
- The Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood = Chapter Four? I don't know. I still don't know what the book is about...
- Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier = Somewhere in the book where I got freaked out and now refuse to read at night
- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen = On the shelf but still equals love
- The Bee Season by Maya Goldberg = In the same shopping bag as the Dark Queen
"It'll all will work out in the end."
Ahh...I miss his class. Haha. He doesn't say it as much anymore. That's funny Tina. And kinda sad too. But funny, so it's all okay.
And I was reading somewhere, some magazine had asked Sarah Jessica Parker if she had any regrets in her life. And she named some of them. And it made me think, "Do I have any regrets in life?" It's weird, because the answer is yes and no. Yeah, sure I have regrets. Or I will have some bigger regrets. I wish I had allowed myself to forget some of the bad habits I have, but at the same time, it's like, "No, I don't have any regrets." Because all those things I regret, they make me who I am today, and if any of them had changed, I might be someone else completely different.
I have always been pragmatic (haha, Shanaz knows why I laugh...mostly because she laughed at me!), but now that just makes me depressed. And there is still a part of me who is idealist, although I hate it sometimes, because what I can envision (which is everything) isn't always what I want to see, sadly enough. Maybe I do want him to like me, maybe (shoot me now) I do want to be his girlfriend, but I don't want it. And this is where the problems lies with me. Everyone assumes I'm only realistic and practical, but there is a big part of me that lies with that hope. You can't live without it. But I'm pulled in so many different directions that I never know what to do or even what I want. I'm so indecisive. My mom can testify to that. Never take me shopping, because I'm always struggling with whether to get it or not.
And so, it's that indecision that I hate. So I react to it. There lies, what Tina calls, my psychological cutting. Haha. To me, it's known as closure. So what if he tells me he doesn't like me? Being rejected isn't so bad. It's better than wishing forever for something that may never happen. Teasing myself. That's what it would be. And for me, I've been trying to grow out of that, just in general. Honesty is the game I want to play now. No more hiding or being afraid, when there isn't anything to hide from except our fears. And if my greatest fear is rejection or failure, then I have to overcome that. And that didn't make any sense...ahh. Haha.
I don't know. I just felt like typing.
Want to go see movies on...Tuesday? Want to have a sleepover? Want to find a way to celebrate my 18th birthday? Ha! I'm almost legal. I can almost go to a strip club. Why that is the biggest rite of passage, I have no idea...but okay. Back on track. Which movies? Memoirs? Narina? Pride and Prejudice...again? Haha. No Rent. It left Houston today...that's about it. Now a little note for me...or Agbu, because at least she cares about my mental capacity.
Reading List for Winter Break
- The Queen's Fool by Philippa Gregory = Finished, but now I want to read more of her books
- Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris = Finished
- The Mermaid Singing by Lisa Carey = Finished
- A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libby Bray = Finished, and now to find the sequel...
- The Plot Against America by Phillip Roth = On page 2...or one. Haha.
- The Dark Queen by Susan Carroll = Still in the bag from the store
- The Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood = Chapter Four? I don't know. I still don't know what the book is about...
- Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier = Somewhere in the book where I got freaked out and now refuse to read at night
- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen = On the shelf but still equals love
- The Bee Season by Maya Goldberg = In the same shopping bag as the Dark Queen