Fractures in Cars
They don’t know him like I do.
One day he got the creative idea to “chase the sun”,
I rode back-gun
while he and my uncle
rode shot.
They had conversations about the world in scientific terms
that left me wanting more.
They were both patient men,
gradually explaining each of my questions with pose and grace -
loading me with the energy of their beautiful minds.
And when it was too complicated to answer,
HE the one, told them all ‘she’s too young to understand’
and knew precisely how to distract me once again
bringing my mind back to the present -
“we are here to chase the sun”.
I remember my beam of energy
condensed in a tiny body,
wanting to decide from the back
where to go,
and they drove
to the distance my little fingers pointed.
I wanted to see that sun up close,
and absorb it’s energy
like a healing sanctuary of light.
Fast forward.
My father comes crying into the room,
which I’d never seen him do up until this point.
His face crumbled into his palms
as he sat on the edge of my bed.
I ask him what’s wrong.
“MY FAMILY LEFT ME, I MISS MY FAMILY”.
I hold him in my arms and as I rock him
& let him know it’ll all be okay & to just let it out.
When I tell him that I’m family too,
he stops crying abruptly
and hurries to leave me alone in the room.
He leaves the house
& drives somewhere
with a bed in thebackseat of his van.
Fast forward.
I’m in his car and we’re driving to Sacramento again.
It’s always usually 2 hours to get there no matter
where we seem to move.
The road is endless
and we spend some time debating life,
but he seems like he’s on the other side.
I don’t know what got to him
& when the spiral happened -
but I make sure to wear a smile
and accommodate when he thinks I’m criticizing him,
even though they’re just idea’s.
I want to shake him and tell him
we are only ever collections of our experience.
It’s not him, it’s who he’s never talked to
about the endless rhythm of dialogue exchange.
Maybe I should’ve tried harder,
maybe if I explained how everything is programmed
he would’ve understood
it’s not an affront to him.
He’s more sensitive than he wants the world to believe.
Maybe if I...
fast forward.
We’re driving again,
and this time he turns to me and let’s me know “that’s YOU!”
as Comfortably Numbis playing in his car.
Somehow he knew
I felt numb from it all.
I listen to everything else he does,
and I understand he feels deeply like me.
Only he’s on the other side
and I cannot reach him.
I wanted to tell him,
I have to hide everything that I am
in order to be around him.
In order to have him close.
In order to have him in any capacity.
He, and INTP,
I, an INFP.
Fast forward.
“You’re my clone”.
In crossed arms,
I tell him that,
“I am NOTHING like you”.
I hate the pieces of myself that are him,
because I don’t want to become anything other than
my moral compass.
Which he seems to struggle with in getting back.
My little brother sees this.
I know he thinks it’s out of nowhere.
I’m crazy,
and at time’s,
Comfortably Numb.
Rewind.
He bought me a book
about a kid
who just likes being agitated
for no good reason
that allows for his actions
to be justified.
He makes me read it
while he hurts me just like they did.
Rewind.