(no subject)
So I got a phone call about a week ago. From Hans. It seems that the girl that he was going to be engaged to broke things off. He said the reason that he called me was that he had just been in Atlanta at his friend Mike's place and that he couldn't go in the bathroom to shave without thinking of me. Most of the call was spent listening to him tell me about Karen and breaking up with her. I tried to be supportive, and I was, but it was kind of weird and kind of hurt. It shook me up pretty bad and as soon as I got off the phone with him, I called Aaron and told him all about it. Aaron's comment was that it sounded like I had a decision to make. And I told him that I was already with him, and happily so, and if he wasn't in my life, then maybe I would consider it. But frankly, that was a long time ago and if I saw Hans now, I would be being a rebound girl again. There were actual feelings there, on both our parts, but I don't think it is something that we'll ever really recapture.
On that note, Hans called again last night. A couple days after we had talked before, I sent him a text message just saying that I was thinking of him and hoping he felt better. The irony that I found out last night was that he got the message while he had the first girl besides her in his bed. He says nothing happened, just a little kissing, but it is kind of funny, especially since he thought it was from Karen for the first little bit. It took him awhile, but he figured out it was me. The reason that I started this paragraph with 'on that note', is because while we were talking, I told him that every once in awhile, I thought about 'what if'. He said he did too, although he was referring to what would have been if he hadn't met me when he did. In his thinking, I saved him from a marriage that probably wouldn't have been bad, but wasn't right for him. It took me awhile after we talked that second time, but I figured out what felt so wrong. It wasn't that I wanted to ask "What if?", but that I never was able to say, "and that was the end." With everyone I've been involved with, it is either on-going (or since Aaron has come into my life, I haven't seen them to tell them it's done) or there was a definitive point at which I knew it was over. That goes for both the romantic and more extracuricular partners. Except for Hans. There never really was an end. I remember writing about how he was kind of cold, and last night he admitted that he had kind of avoided me last Joliet cause he was sort of afraid that what happened the first time we were together would happen again, and he didn't want to do that to Karen. Anyway, he's the first of any feelings to come up for anybody else since I started dating Aaron. And I'm not sure if they really are feelings, at least not the type of feelings that people mean when they say they have feelings for someone. It is more confusion. I don't think I want to be with Hans, but if there wasn't Aaron, I would definitely think about it. But I already know that we would just drift apart again because of the distance. And yes, I could close that distance, but he just got out of a long term relationship with someone he thought he'd be planning a wedding with now. When I got together with Aaron, at least he was mostly ready to move on, just waiting for the divorce to finalize.
Okay, so that is my current bit of emotional goo, but I have to say that I have been very happy the last few months. I began seeing Aaron in late September/early October. At the time, I was just looking for a couple/few people to be my road boyfriends. I didn't want anything serious, just a couple guys that I could be friends with and have some fun with when the situation permitted it. I didn't want anybody at home or near enough that I might be tempted to date them. I was kind of open to dating a female, but I was done with men other than as friends or sexual aids. I had one such "boyfriend" already and was kind of working on Aaron to be the second. Honestly, I was interested in him and a couple of other people who frequented the same circle (I'm referring to when I went to omaha to see a band play and my "boyfriend" and sitting around after for beers, I realized that there were two guys there I was interested in, and had flirted with and put in the groundwork, and that another had just left). But as it is with most of life, he was in the right place at the right time. That and I felt a bit more confident to make a move. (There was one other incident shortly before hooking up with Aaron with another guy in the circle, and I still don't know what would have happened. I was waiting for him to make a move that I would have accepted and I don't know if he wasn't interested, was too tired/fucked up, or wasn't sure if I was interested.) Anyway, I know I'll talk more about him later, but my hands are getting kind of tired. My point is that through the strange circumstances that we call life, I slept with Aaron and thought I was lining him up to be another road boyfriend, and then we both started to care. He once told me that he doesn't sleep with anyone that he couldn't see having kids with. At the time, it seemed a rather straight forward comment, although I've realized there are as many twists to that sentence as there are to 'I love you'. He didn't want anything super serious, but I think he was thinking a bit more serious than I was. Well, that has changed. I finally know what they mean when they talk about lightening striking.
And that is the fear that I"ve been living with for the last couple months. Since we both realized how we felt and have said it, I have been living with the fear of my past. I have thought so many times that I had found the person that I was supposed to be with (I wasted a year of my life trying to make it work with one such person when I knew full well it wouldn't). I think so again, and there are things that are different and point to my being right, but it is always different, and I'm afraid that a year from now, I'm going to look back and realize that I was wrong again, that I was on the rebound, or that I thought he was because I was still in love with someone else and he reminded me of them, or god only knows. Maybe I'm starting to hear my biological clock ticking and I do have to admit that I don't want to be 60 when my kids are in high school, but hell, I'm not even sure I want to have kids. I mean, I know I want to have kids, but I also know that I would probably have to give up my line of work and I fucking love it and don't want to give it up for anything. But this isn't about kids, it's about being in love with Aaron and wanting to spend my life with him and being scared that it is a temporary feeling. And I know there is no answer to that question because if there was it would be being sold on late night television for 12 easy payments of $29.99.
Again I'm babbling, and I have work I should do. And there will definitely be time for me tell all the wonderful background of us. Okay, I really just want to put to paper, so to speak, how we told each other 'I love you'. Or, more precisely, the goofiness around it. And I know that it will all work itself out, but getting it out through my hands makes me feel better about it and makes it easier to deal with. One last thing, I have said that I haven't had any feelings for anyone else since I started seeing Aaron. I met emotionally or sexually. That isn't quite true. I definitely haven't felt anything emotional, and the sexual isn't so much a current wanting, but a vague sense of loss. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to sleep with anyone else, but I am curious what would have happened with the one "boyfriend" i did manage to get set up because we were just getting to the point where we knew each other enough to get to the really fun stuff. It is done, although I haven't had a chance to tell him so. What the hell, this is my diary, right? What I've been skirting around saying is that the one guy I did get things set up with is more kinky than Aaron and it is a kink that I like, that I wish I could get Aaron to do. He may in time, but right now I'm looking at a future were I don't get to do some of the things that I really like because Aaron is uncomfortable with them. He is totally worth giving those things up for, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad to see them go. The really hard part of telling that guy I can't is going to be because I was still with Dave when he and I hooked up (I had permission), he knew I was with Dave, and he isn't single himself (which is part of the reason he was perfect for a road boyfriend because I didn't ever have to worry about him getting jealous or wanting to start something more). I'm not sure he's going to understand why it was okay with my last boyfriend but it isn't with this one, especially since my crew goes with the idea of what happens on the road stays on the road, and therefor, there is no way Aaron would ever know. But I'm sure I'll be writing about that when it happens. Part of me is really glad that Aaron doesn't play by those rules, but part of me really wishes he did.
Okay, I'm done for today. Let the hilarity ensue.
On that note, Hans called again last night. A couple days after we had talked before, I sent him a text message just saying that I was thinking of him and hoping he felt better. The irony that I found out last night was that he got the message while he had the first girl besides her in his bed. He says nothing happened, just a little kissing, but it is kind of funny, especially since he thought it was from Karen for the first little bit. It took him awhile, but he figured out it was me. The reason that I started this paragraph with 'on that note', is because while we were talking, I told him that every once in awhile, I thought about 'what if'. He said he did too, although he was referring to what would have been if he hadn't met me when he did. In his thinking, I saved him from a marriage that probably wouldn't have been bad, but wasn't right for him. It took me awhile after we talked that second time, but I figured out what felt so wrong. It wasn't that I wanted to ask "What if?", but that I never was able to say, "and that was the end." With everyone I've been involved with, it is either on-going (or since Aaron has come into my life, I haven't seen them to tell them it's done) or there was a definitive point at which I knew it was over. That goes for both the romantic and more extracuricular partners. Except for Hans. There never really was an end. I remember writing about how he was kind of cold, and last night he admitted that he had kind of avoided me last Joliet cause he was sort of afraid that what happened the first time we were together would happen again, and he didn't want to do that to Karen. Anyway, he's the first of any feelings to come up for anybody else since I started dating Aaron. And I'm not sure if they really are feelings, at least not the type of feelings that people mean when they say they have feelings for someone. It is more confusion. I don't think I want to be with Hans, but if there wasn't Aaron, I would definitely think about it. But I already know that we would just drift apart again because of the distance. And yes, I could close that distance, but he just got out of a long term relationship with someone he thought he'd be planning a wedding with now. When I got together with Aaron, at least he was mostly ready to move on, just waiting for the divorce to finalize.
Okay, so that is my current bit of emotional goo, but I have to say that I have been very happy the last few months. I began seeing Aaron in late September/early October. At the time, I was just looking for a couple/few people to be my road boyfriends. I didn't want anything serious, just a couple guys that I could be friends with and have some fun with when the situation permitted it. I didn't want anybody at home or near enough that I might be tempted to date them. I was kind of open to dating a female, but I was done with men other than as friends or sexual aids. I had one such "boyfriend" already and was kind of working on Aaron to be the second. Honestly, I was interested in him and a couple of other people who frequented the same circle (I'm referring to when I went to omaha to see a band play and my "boyfriend" and sitting around after for beers, I realized that there were two guys there I was interested in, and had flirted with and put in the groundwork, and that another had just left). But as it is with most of life, he was in the right place at the right time. That and I felt a bit more confident to make a move. (There was one other incident shortly before hooking up with Aaron with another guy in the circle, and I still don't know what would have happened. I was waiting for him to make a move that I would have accepted and I don't know if he wasn't interested, was too tired/fucked up, or wasn't sure if I was interested.) Anyway, I know I'll talk more about him later, but my hands are getting kind of tired. My point is that through the strange circumstances that we call life, I slept with Aaron and thought I was lining him up to be another road boyfriend, and then we both started to care. He once told me that he doesn't sleep with anyone that he couldn't see having kids with. At the time, it seemed a rather straight forward comment, although I've realized there are as many twists to that sentence as there are to 'I love you'. He didn't want anything super serious, but I think he was thinking a bit more serious than I was. Well, that has changed. I finally know what they mean when they talk about lightening striking.
And that is the fear that I"ve been living with for the last couple months. Since we both realized how we felt and have said it, I have been living with the fear of my past. I have thought so many times that I had found the person that I was supposed to be with (I wasted a year of my life trying to make it work with one such person when I knew full well it wouldn't). I think so again, and there are things that are different and point to my being right, but it is always different, and I'm afraid that a year from now, I'm going to look back and realize that I was wrong again, that I was on the rebound, or that I thought he was because I was still in love with someone else and he reminded me of them, or god only knows. Maybe I'm starting to hear my biological clock ticking and I do have to admit that I don't want to be 60 when my kids are in high school, but hell, I'm not even sure I want to have kids. I mean, I know I want to have kids, but I also know that I would probably have to give up my line of work and I fucking love it and don't want to give it up for anything. But this isn't about kids, it's about being in love with Aaron and wanting to spend my life with him and being scared that it is a temporary feeling. And I know there is no answer to that question because if there was it would be being sold on late night television for 12 easy payments of $29.99.
Again I'm babbling, and I have work I should do. And there will definitely be time for me tell all the wonderful background of us. Okay, I really just want to put to paper, so to speak, how we told each other 'I love you'. Or, more precisely, the goofiness around it. And I know that it will all work itself out, but getting it out through my hands makes me feel better about it and makes it easier to deal with. One last thing, I have said that I haven't had any feelings for anyone else since I started seeing Aaron. I met emotionally or sexually. That isn't quite true. I definitely haven't felt anything emotional, and the sexual isn't so much a current wanting, but a vague sense of loss. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to sleep with anyone else, but I am curious what would have happened with the one "boyfriend" i did manage to get set up because we were just getting to the point where we knew each other enough to get to the really fun stuff. It is done, although I haven't had a chance to tell him so. What the hell, this is my diary, right? What I've been skirting around saying is that the one guy I did get things set up with is more kinky than Aaron and it is a kink that I like, that I wish I could get Aaron to do. He may in time, but right now I'm looking at a future were I don't get to do some of the things that I really like because Aaron is uncomfortable with them. He is totally worth giving those things up for, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad to see them go. The really hard part of telling that guy I can't is going to be because I was still with Dave when he and I hooked up (I had permission), he knew I was with Dave, and he isn't single himself (which is part of the reason he was perfect for a road boyfriend because I didn't ever have to worry about him getting jealous or wanting to start something more). I'm not sure he's going to understand why it was okay with my last boyfriend but it isn't with this one, especially since my crew goes with the idea of what happens on the road stays on the road, and therefor, there is no way Aaron would ever know. But I'm sure I'll be writing about that when it happens. Part of me is really glad that Aaron doesn't play by those rules, but part of me really wishes he did.
Okay, I'm done for today. Let the hilarity ensue.