Something Peculiar

Feb 03, 2010 20:49

Feeling weird.....feeling strange....feeling peculiar....

Just felt I'm not behaving very normal today. I don't feel like posting this in Facebook as I felt like typing today. Did not express myself very much by blogging lately. Is it due to the ease of Facebook or am I just plain lazy?

First time ever in my career, I'm not excited about what bonus I will get. I didn't care. My colleague sms-ed last night mentioning:

"IT'S IN!!!!"

What he meant was that our annual bonus is credited into our bank.
I wasn't excited, seriously wasn't. The reason: I did not perform well in 2009. I think I do not deserve anything better than what I received last year. It's probably also because I was prepared as my Sales Director did ask me not to expect much.
His reasoning: "You are good, but you did not hit your target. So I cannot do anything much". 
His words put me down....really down. Was quite disillusioned with the effort that I've put in for the past 6 years.

So, I replied my colleague (who informed me)....I will wait for the "formal notice" - in a form of letter.

The letter was issued today....I wasn't really excited for myself, but more for my 2 subordinates. I hope they got the recognition from the management and I'm glad that they did (in a sense). It was so exciting to see the two of them eagerly opening the letter and looking at their bonuses, the fruit of their labour after working with the company (or myself) for the past years/months. Recapping, I was once them, always so excited about "how much" I was awarded every year. Yes, I'm happy and they rightfully got what they deserve.

Still, I held on to the letter and no intentions of opening nor checking my bank account. Until now...

I do not know how to describe my feelings now. Or was there any emotion involved in the first place? I do not know. All I know is that I'm having some beer alone in my place, enjoying the peace and just relaxing the night away.

It's a sign.

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