Yea...
Yesterday sucked most yesterdays do suck but mine sucked more than ever. I hate my dad thats no secret everyone knows he even knows. And you would think if you know that your kid hates you that you either leave them the fuck alone or try to develop the lost relationship. Believe me im not looking to relight some candle that me and my father once had. Because i dont even think we ever had a candle i was more of that child. The child he had to prove that he was walking lifes path correctly. That he wasnt wondering to get something that no one else wanted. I was the kid that he told himself that he wanted because everyone else around him wanted kids and it just seemed like the next normal thing in everyones life. Since he was little everyone probably always told him to grow up, get a job, get married, and ultimately have children. But much to his surprise he got cursed with just one ME. Wait he wasnt really cursed i was. I was born without any choice to a person who wanted a child to keep everyone around him thinking he was normal. I was the thing that gave him acceptance. Unfortunately humans have life spans that consist of more than a few days or even months or years. We are also cursed with the Human Condition (which if you havnt realized only affects us humans, thats why its called the HUMAN condition and not just LIFE). The Human Condition makes us question are existence are meaning and makes us reflect on our lifes. Pretty much without the human condition we would have web-sites like live journal or myspace or vampire freaks or the billion other ones all aimed at us to reflect our lives to others. Thinking that other people might actually read about our boring or fucked up existence and either sympathize or judge. But in the end if we dont agree with them we blame the fact that they dont understand us or they havent experienced half of what we have. That might be the case but pain not matter how many times you have experienced it hurts all the same. It eats at you it cause you to feel like your on fire while surrounded by water. But i believe the worst pain is the pain you cant escape the pain you cant run from the pain that you have to wait till your a certain age until you can burn the bridge. I have experienced pain i know pain and i see pain in others. I tend to stay away from others and people think its because im a "loner" its not like that. Its im really scared that i might crack in front of one of them. Id rather isolated myself from everyone then show my true emotion. If you really know me you know im a strong individual who can pretty much look out for themself. And thats what i want people to know about me. I dont want people to know about the scars the things i have went though and have done. You might be reading this and think yea sure all she wants is pity. But you are wrong im scared i will do something im scared. I need to release the feelings locked up in my head and not worry about how they come out or might sound. I get help and i know that i cant fight myself and others alone. And i dont but i need people to read this and not act. I just want people to understand that i hurt and my pain is real. That i put up with a lot of shit everyday and when i break and crack into a thousand little pieces not to abandon me. Not to leave me and say that you will talk to me when i get better. Because who knows maybe i'll get worse and me now is 'me better'. Im only 16 and people think im older, treat me like im older, tell me things that i shouldnt understand but do. Im a 16 year old that never had a true childhood, one with out worrys, one without being subjected to the many ways life can and will fuck you over. I need to stop hiding but im so good at it. I need to be honest even though lying is easier. I know i have alot to work on, and im working on it. My mind is racing a million miles per second. I started this talking about my hate for my father, and its ending with me saying i have problems. Im not looking for your pity and i really dont want it so dont give it to me. I just wanted to relieve my brain of a little pressure.