(no subject)
my heart hurts, hurts, hurts so much.
i'm losing it today because i keep pushing feelings away and pretending like everything was and should be just a bump on a journey.
actually, it has entirely shifted the landscape. certain things will never be the same; i've thought about you every single day, Paige. Every single day I think about what happened or you or question the paths that are chosen for us.
I pretend everything is normal because sometimes it feels normal, but normal has become a confused reality, and a struggle to convince myself and everyone else that being strong is not feeling feelings or letting them bring you down.
but being strong is really letting yourself be brought down and then using it to build yourself up again. And sometimes you won't make it all the way back up and you will be knocked down again, but it's your persistence in trying to slowly compose a positive that is your strength.
i've been experience a mixture of dreams or flashbacks of what i saw, what i heard, how i felt or conversations or am engaging in class work or self analyses that exposes how raw everything still is below the surface. I don't understand it, and maybe I never will, but I need to figure out how to work with this new reality, and to not be afraid to share how i feel with others because that is one thing i know. I need to figure out why I don't feel a sense of sudden, inspired purpose or spirituality. I need to understand.
i'm losing it today because i keep pushing feelings away and pretending like everything was and should be just a bump on a journey.
actually, it has entirely shifted the landscape. certain things will never be the same; i've thought about you every single day, Paige. Every single day I think about what happened or you or question the paths that are chosen for us.
I pretend everything is normal because sometimes it feels normal, but normal has become a confused reality, and a struggle to convince myself and everyone else that being strong is not feeling feelings or letting them bring you down.
but being strong is really letting yourself be brought down and then using it to build yourself up again. And sometimes you won't make it all the way back up and you will be knocked down again, but it's your persistence in trying to slowly compose a positive that is your strength.
i've been experience a mixture of dreams or flashbacks of what i saw, what i heard, how i felt or conversations or am engaging in class work or self analyses that exposes how raw everything still is below the surface. I don't understand it, and maybe I never will, but I need to figure out how to work with this new reality, and to not be afraid to share how i feel with others because that is one thing i know. I need to figure out why I don't feel a sense of sudden, inspired purpose or spirituality. I need to understand.