Failure Pants Much?
ok, i woke up in a bad mood this morning...there for im going to share it with cyber space.
Disclaimer: Take this seriously. I'm not trying to offend anybody with whats about to be said in this journal, i just need to do some serious venting. If you take offense to it, thats you're own fault. You dont have to read this entry, you choose too. If offended, you will not recieve any apology. Most of the things im going to talk about are done and over with. Water under the bridge. And im not looking for advice or a counseling sessions, so dont bother. Sometimes i get to thinking about things too hard and it irritates me all over again, but that'll pass. So, if you think you might pop up in here....skip this.
I fell very ashamed of myself. My mom came in just a few moments ago, sat on my bed and said "i want to ask you something" and i hate it when she does that. cause its never a very pleasent question. she said " why did you let me believe that you were sick? when you were hungover?" the thing is, i was sick. i didnt feel hungover very much or anything, just a really upset stomach. and my best response was "....cause you didnt ask?" im a dick...i know i can tell my mom anything. but im so worried about letting people down..im a damned coward is what i am. dad apparently ran into jeremy and found out about our night at britts and told mom. then mom seemed upset cause i didnt even tell her that jeremy came over. I guess part of my reason was because im tired of people jumping to conclusions about things...true or not, and i just thought i would be avoiding that if i didnt go into detail. big lie...i just had a feeling that if i said jeremy was over she'd say "did you get drunk?" and whats sad is that shes right. and i hate it. Its not the alcohol or anything im worried about, its more or less the attitudes..and i dont like mine, and i want to change it, but thats easier said then done. i think i hurt her feelings...and i felt incredibly ashamed during this process...im not a person in the emma fan club right now. Moms my best friend, i shouldnt hide things from her.
I woke up in a horrible mood this morning, i mean, i was ready to breathe fire and rip the flesh off of bone type thing. and of course i lash out at amanda and dad because they happen to be up at the time. i just cant seem to stop it...My emotions are my own, they're mine to control, but sometimes, i cant keep a very good grip on them. and i can be so two faced. I'll be angry and broody to my family, but when my friend calls i act as though i love everything. im a bitch. I was insanely irrtated that dad asked me to take amanda to violin lesson..like its a big inconvienence or something. Fuck im a jerk..moms sick, and dad had to bowl tonight and i was the only one who could take her. The lessons are only half an hour so its not a big damn deal, but i turned it into one. When we were driving home tonight, amanda was telling me a story about something that happened a long time ago, and it involved ben, kiwai and josh. It was at my birthday party i think. it was just something that josh and kiwai said to amanda, it wasnt mean or anything, but i took it very offensivly and called josh a dick..and totally stomped on amandas mood. She found the story funny, i didnt, i might have at some point, but right then i didnt. I told her i was sorry for crushing her mood and everything but i just dont find stuff like that funny very often. she said "its ok" i told her dont lie to me, i can handle the truth, and its normally a healthier process anyway. then she said "why the hell do you have to be in such a bad mood all the time?" which caused me to decide...i need to get out as soon as i can afford too. at the moment i dont even care who my roommate would be. but for my family's sake i think i should get out. i keep saying other people are small doses...im the small dose one, not them. i keep worring about things that i odnt have to, but i cant seem to stop either. Today, after work i went down to josh's to pick up amanda, well we had time so i was just chatting it up with kiwai and all, and we were looking through some of his old photo albums and there were pictures of katie and chris in there. it just makes me so angry at times...how she said "i hate that he blew me off so easily" shes one the who fucking cheated on him and broke his heart, not the other way. she was the one who was constantly sent him emails proclaiming her false love for him. she kept trying to drag it out. She was the one who cheated on him, Shes the one who told me "emma, did you really expect this relationship to be any different for me?" then she turns around and acts like he broke her heart, like it was a casual fling. like he left her for amber. When, indeed, it was the other way around, no arguement. And brittany...i think im going to end our friendship, or at least put it on hold. i just cant take it ms. "im going to date a married man who has two kids and lie to all my friends and coworkers to their face" stupid bitch. shes so fucking self centered its not even funny. Jeremy, britt and i were just standing there talking then all of the sudden she goes "ooohhh...i wonder what joe would've got you for valentines day" i was totally flabbergasted. Joe and i never had a holiday together, he dumped me on the first 'holiday' that we would've had. so why in the world did she ask that? and i told her how i felt about it later but still...shes so fake im not up to dealing with it anymore. all her and caylah talk/bitch about is each other or themselves. stupid. and i hate doing crap ass stuff at work, like filing papers and sealing envelopes. It makes me so angry...i mean, its really nice to be able to have something to do and all, and im grateful to mae for finding stuff for me to do so i didnt have to take a few weeks off or what have you...but still. The teller line was slammed and i couldnt get my drawer out. geez...i've calmed down a lot in the past few whiles. dad came in here and asked if i was mad at him. I told him i wasnt mad at him. and it was this whole conversation. and poor dad, he always seem to catch me at bad times. i was sitting here typing in my journal then i just started crying..not flat out bawling or anything, just crying. im just not happy with the person i am lately. im in a slump...i love my friends and family, but yet, i dont want to do anything with them. i want to sit in my room and collect dust, part of me blames billings cause i got so used to it. but i know thats not the truth. i just havent felt like interacting with anybody lately, and i want that to stop. because i like being social, i like being around people most of the time. mostly the ones i hold dear mind you but whatever...everytime i see becky, i feel like its surreal. The thought of "growing up" scares me. i have my worries about the whole thing, but not my doubts. just the normal worries. im behind becky with her choices, 100%. and part of me gets really anxious when i think about there being a baby around. and with my friend amanda getting married and all...i feel like im realy left behind in the "grown up" world. how pathetic is that? i got to talk to tyler the other day, and we had a really nice conversation and everything. i kind of got this vibe that he and milo didnt want anything to do with me since mine and joes break up...but tylers fine with it, considering he was one of the first people who found out..by first i mean like...10th or something? ::shrug:: and i miss ryan..
ok...i think im done...and if im not, thats too bad...cause im really really fucking tired..and i might have to drive to greatfalls because im a nice kid. so, i hope i didnt make anyone mad, upset, angry, sad, whatever, with me...really...i just vented. you all have done it in your journals plenty of times im sure
Disclaimer: Take this seriously. I'm not trying to offend anybody with whats about to be said in this journal, i just need to do some serious venting. If you take offense to it, thats you're own fault. You dont have to read this entry, you choose too. If offended, you will not recieve any apology. Most of the things im going to talk about are done and over with. Water under the bridge. And im not looking for advice or a counseling sessions, so dont bother. Sometimes i get to thinking about things too hard and it irritates me all over again, but that'll pass. So, if you think you might pop up in here....skip this.
I fell very ashamed of myself. My mom came in just a few moments ago, sat on my bed and said "i want to ask you something" and i hate it when she does that. cause its never a very pleasent question. she said " why did you let me believe that you were sick? when you were hungover?" the thing is, i was sick. i didnt feel hungover very much or anything, just a really upset stomach. and my best response was "....cause you didnt ask?" im a dick...i know i can tell my mom anything. but im so worried about letting people down..im a damned coward is what i am. dad apparently ran into jeremy and found out about our night at britts and told mom. then mom seemed upset cause i didnt even tell her that jeremy came over. I guess part of my reason was because im tired of people jumping to conclusions about things...true or not, and i just thought i would be avoiding that if i didnt go into detail. big lie...i just had a feeling that if i said jeremy was over she'd say "did you get drunk?" and whats sad is that shes right. and i hate it. Its not the alcohol or anything im worried about, its more or less the attitudes..and i dont like mine, and i want to change it, but thats easier said then done. i think i hurt her feelings...and i felt incredibly ashamed during this process...im not a person in the emma fan club right now. Moms my best friend, i shouldnt hide things from her.
I woke up in a horrible mood this morning, i mean, i was ready to breathe fire and rip the flesh off of bone type thing. and of course i lash out at amanda and dad because they happen to be up at the time. i just cant seem to stop it...My emotions are my own, they're mine to control, but sometimes, i cant keep a very good grip on them. and i can be so two faced. I'll be angry and broody to my family, but when my friend calls i act as though i love everything. im a bitch. I was insanely irrtated that dad asked me to take amanda to violin lesson..like its a big inconvienence or something. Fuck im a jerk..moms sick, and dad had to bowl tonight and i was the only one who could take her. The lessons are only half an hour so its not a big damn deal, but i turned it into one. When we were driving home tonight, amanda was telling me a story about something that happened a long time ago, and it involved ben, kiwai and josh. It was at my birthday party i think. it was just something that josh and kiwai said to amanda, it wasnt mean or anything, but i took it very offensivly and called josh a dick..and totally stomped on amandas mood. She found the story funny, i didnt, i might have at some point, but right then i didnt. I told her i was sorry for crushing her mood and everything but i just dont find stuff like that funny very often. she said "its ok" i told her dont lie to me, i can handle the truth, and its normally a healthier process anyway. then she said "why the hell do you have to be in such a bad mood all the time?" which caused me to decide...i need to get out as soon as i can afford too. at the moment i dont even care who my roommate would be. but for my family's sake i think i should get out. i keep saying other people are small doses...im the small dose one, not them. i keep worring about things that i odnt have to, but i cant seem to stop either. Today, after work i went down to josh's to pick up amanda, well we had time so i was just chatting it up with kiwai and all, and we were looking through some of his old photo albums and there were pictures of katie and chris in there. it just makes me so angry at times...how she said "i hate that he blew me off so easily" shes one the who fucking cheated on him and broke his heart, not the other way. she was the one who was constantly sent him emails proclaiming her false love for him. she kept trying to drag it out. She was the one who cheated on him, Shes the one who told me "emma, did you really expect this relationship to be any different for me?" then she turns around and acts like he broke her heart, like it was a casual fling. like he left her for amber. When, indeed, it was the other way around, no arguement. And brittany...i think im going to end our friendship, or at least put it on hold. i just cant take it ms. "im going to date a married man who has two kids and lie to all my friends and coworkers to their face" stupid bitch. shes so fucking self centered its not even funny. Jeremy, britt and i were just standing there talking then all of the sudden she goes "ooohhh...i wonder what joe would've got you for valentines day" i was totally flabbergasted. Joe and i never had a holiday together, he dumped me on the first 'holiday' that we would've had. so why in the world did she ask that? and i told her how i felt about it later but still...shes so fake im not up to dealing with it anymore. all her and caylah talk/bitch about is each other or themselves. stupid. and i hate doing crap ass stuff at work, like filing papers and sealing envelopes. It makes me so angry...i mean, its really nice to be able to have something to do and all, and im grateful to mae for finding stuff for me to do so i didnt have to take a few weeks off or what have you...but still. The teller line was slammed and i couldnt get my drawer out. geez...i've calmed down a lot in the past few whiles. dad came in here and asked if i was mad at him. I told him i wasnt mad at him. and it was this whole conversation. and poor dad, he always seem to catch me at bad times. i was sitting here typing in my journal then i just started crying..not flat out bawling or anything, just crying. im just not happy with the person i am lately. im in a slump...i love my friends and family, but yet, i dont want to do anything with them. i want to sit in my room and collect dust, part of me blames billings cause i got so used to it. but i know thats not the truth. i just havent felt like interacting with anybody lately, and i want that to stop. because i like being social, i like being around people most of the time. mostly the ones i hold dear mind you but whatever...everytime i see becky, i feel like its surreal. The thought of "growing up" scares me. i have my worries about the whole thing, but not my doubts. just the normal worries. im behind becky with her choices, 100%. and part of me gets really anxious when i think about there being a baby around. and with my friend amanda getting married and all...i feel like im realy left behind in the "grown up" world. how pathetic is that? i got to talk to tyler the other day, and we had a really nice conversation and everything. i kind of got this vibe that he and milo didnt want anything to do with me since mine and joes break up...but tylers fine with it, considering he was one of the first people who found out..by first i mean like...10th or something? ::shrug:: and i miss ryan..
ok...i think im done...and if im not, thats too bad...cause im really really fucking tired..and i might have to drive to greatfalls because im a nice kid. so, i hope i didnt make anyone mad, upset, angry, sad, whatever, with me...really...i just vented. you all have done it in your journals plenty of times im sure