In Search of Meaning
Just to warn you: I'm going to get all mushy in this one. Be warned and don't complain later of having gotten too much sugar on you.
Marlene has moved out. It's a little strange, the room seems very empty and far too quiet. I know I'll be seeing her again very soon when we move into our townhouse, and it'll be nice to have our own rooms and all that extra space. But in a small way I'll kind of miss this room.
It's been a good year. I really lucked out with my roommate, and as uncomfortable as it might make Marlene I feel like I was blessed with her this year. I think our first conversation of the school year was us telling each other about the strange nightmares we had about living with each other. I think she dreamed she was living with my entire family and we were all unusually small. And I dreamed she was an evil bitch and she said something along the lines of, "What the fuck's going on in your psyche?" And oh how awkward I felt shopping for posters in Jester with her the first time. I was extremely aware of the fact that I couldn't think of anything interesting to say.
And then it turned out to be so much fun. How happy was I when I realized I could talk about fanfiction and Star Trek and be more open about sexuality without feeling too awkward or weird? And who would've thought I'd get addicted to the various incarnations of Law & Order?
Even though I may not have gone out often enough this year, there are certain memories I have that I will treasure, even if they're small and completely insignificant to other people.
For example, I will definitely always remember the cockroach experiment Omar and Marlene tried to do in here. And the screaming that commenced after two escaped and they tried to keep it secret from me. I will remember how Omar felt like a man when he touched one with his bare hands.
I will remember the fucked up dye jobs we did on ourselves when Marlene turned 21. The room was a mess, my scalp itched, Omar was unusually blonde and the blue barely showed up in my hair.
I will remember the countless Cokes we drank, the musicals we watched, the new shows we discovered, and the many Chinese takeouts and pizzas we had while in our jammies. Marlene discovered pineapple and I added Magic Wok to my phone.
I will remember Omar's rats, and being surprised that they were kind of cute. But for the life of me, I will never be able to remember their names.
My own birthday at Starbucks, with Omar, Julian (a grumpy Julian), Marlene, Meredith, and JT getting close to leaving for basic.
JT returning from basic and coming to visit. Julian and I met her at Starbucks and talked and laughed at her stories and old shit. I am so proud of her, she's an official Marine now and she's happy.
I will remember Omar's going away party, he literally dragged me across the floor to dance with him and I think three or four of us were piled on Marlene's lap.
I will most definitely remember that Halloween party with Omar's friends, for reasons I won't post on here.
The Obama rally in the rain with Matt and his friend Bertha, and Marlene getting excited because she shook Sen. Obama's hand and thought they were soft. I still have those signs on my desk, I wonder what I should do with them...
I became friends with Matt and Brandon this year, and those are good things. Matt and Julian tried so hard to put together a sort of dinner party, I actually ate spinach tortellini to keep Julian from getting mad (I actually liked it too... damn). We watched the worst movies ever that time. I also have some strange memories of a drunk Julian in his room and everyone looking at porn sites on his laptop.
The Ladytron concert. The only person I missed there was JT, but otherwise it was a nice group of friends dancing around like crazy and then eating at a diner.
The salsa lessons with Omar. I've already forgotten all the moves, but it was fun when Omar swung me around (although it's never fun when he steps on you with his massive feet). I wonder Omar, is it a tradition for us to take dance lessons now? We did swing last year, should we do ballroom dancing next year?
Studying at Kirby Lane while Matt and Julian go absolutely insane with caffeine and lack of sleep. I got nothing done that night.
Hanging out with Omar, Hatter and Julian late at night. Julian sucks at Guitar Hero, Kathy Bates is creepy in Misery, but Irish coffee is good. Watching them be defeated by trees at soccer was fun too. Getting the hell out of a graveyard late at night after driving all night to mellow music with Omar and Hatter. Laughing our heads off at Omar's cowardly brush with cops at Hatter's T-Party. Seeing Hatter at about 3 a.m. at HEB and giving him a massive hug. I miss him.
JT forcing me to give a guy my number at a club. I still need to kill her for that. And she still has my books goddammit.
Cackling for what felt like hours with Marlene and Omar over some stupid joke that I'm sure wasn't really that funny.
The final question we were asked to consider in my LAH In Search of Meaning class was, "What gives your life meaning? From what do you derive meaning?"
I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus, and more than that I believe in Christ's teachings. But as much as these things mean to me, I don't think those are the things that give my life meaning.
My own personal beliefs in concepts like justice, truth, honor, are a big part of how I think and how I see things. I don't feel I need organized religion or authority figures to tell me what these things mean, I know what they mean to me and I try to adhere to what I think a good person should be. That gives my life some meaning.
But more than that, or maybe just added to that, my human connections make my life meaningful and happy. I believe that all relationships, whether small acquaintances, enemies, long-time best friends, lovers, parents or siblings, mean something. They all help to mold us into who we are, they all do something for us whether those people are meant to be around a short while or all your life. Maybe it's stupid or emo or just naive of me, but I think we all make up some sort of human tapestry, some beautiful artwork that we are always in the process of creating without being aware of it. Sometimes it brings pain, sometimes it brings joy, and sometimes it just seems to bring a lot of routine nothing, but it all serves to make our lives richer.
So my two families, my family by blood and my family of close friends, give my life meaning. They make me see beauty and God. When I feel like shit and I want to blow all my optimism and idealism to the sky, I remind myself to renew my faith in them. I hang on to them in my mind. I imagine some touch, a hug, a kiss or a grasp of the hands, and I feel grounded. I want to be there for them when they need me or want me, and I feel I can trust them to be there for me when I need it. I can survive anything so long as I know I have just one connection to give my life purpose.
And that's enough of my crap. You can throw up now.
Marlene has moved out. It's a little strange, the room seems very empty and far too quiet. I know I'll be seeing her again very soon when we move into our townhouse, and it'll be nice to have our own rooms and all that extra space. But in a small way I'll kind of miss this room.
It's been a good year. I really lucked out with my roommate, and as uncomfortable as it might make Marlene I feel like I was blessed with her this year. I think our first conversation of the school year was us telling each other about the strange nightmares we had about living with each other. I think she dreamed she was living with my entire family and we were all unusually small. And I dreamed she was an evil bitch and she said something along the lines of, "What the fuck's going on in your psyche?" And oh how awkward I felt shopping for posters in Jester with her the first time. I was extremely aware of the fact that I couldn't think of anything interesting to say.
And then it turned out to be so much fun. How happy was I when I realized I could talk about fanfiction and Star Trek and be more open about sexuality without feeling too awkward or weird? And who would've thought I'd get addicted to the various incarnations of Law & Order?
Even though I may not have gone out often enough this year, there are certain memories I have that I will treasure, even if they're small and completely insignificant to other people.
For example, I will definitely always remember the cockroach experiment Omar and Marlene tried to do in here. And the screaming that commenced after two escaped and they tried to keep it secret from me. I will remember how Omar felt like a man when he touched one with his bare hands.
I will remember the fucked up dye jobs we did on ourselves when Marlene turned 21. The room was a mess, my scalp itched, Omar was unusually blonde and the blue barely showed up in my hair.
I will remember the countless Cokes we drank, the musicals we watched, the new shows we discovered, and the many Chinese takeouts and pizzas we had while in our jammies. Marlene discovered pineapple and I added Magic Wok to my phone.
I will remember Omar's rats, and being surprised that they were kind of cute. But for the life of me, I will never be able to remember their names.
My own birthday at Starbucks, with Omar, Julian (a grumpy Julian), Marlene, Meredith, and JT getting close to leaving for basic.
JT returning from basic and coming to visit. Julian and I met her at Starbucks and talked and laughed at her stories and old shit. I am so proud of her, she's an official Marine now and she's happy.
I will remember Omar's going away party, he literally dragged me across the floor to dance with him and I think three or four of us were piled on Marlene's lap.
I will most definitely remember that Halloween party with Omar's friends, for reasons I won't post on here.
The Obama rally in the rain with Matt and his friend Bertha, and Marlene getting excited because she shook Sen. Obama's hand and thought they were soft. I still have those signs on my desk, I wonder what I should do with them...
I became friends with Matt and Brandon this year, and those are good things. Matt and Julian tried so hard to put together a sort of dinner party, I actually ate spinach tortellini to keep Julian from getting mad (I actually liked it too... damn). We watched the worst movies ever that time. I also have some strange memories of a drunk Julian in his room and everyone looking at porn sites on his laptop.
The Ladytron concert. The only person I missed there was JT, but otherwise it was a nice group of friends dancing around like crazy and then eating at a diner.
The salsa lessons with Omar. I've already forgotten all the moves, but it was fun when Omar swung me around (although it's never fun when he steps on you with his massive feet). I wonder Omar, is it a tradition for us to take dance lessons now? We did swing last year, should we do ballroom dancing next year?
Studying at Kirby Lane while Matt and Julian go absolutely insane with caffeine and lack of sleep. I got nothing done that night.
Hanging out with Omar, Hatter and Julian late at night. Julian sucks at Guitar Hero, Kathy Bates is creepy in Misery, but Irish coffee is good. Watching them be defeated by trees at soccer was fun too. Getting the hell out of a graveyard late at night after driving all night to mellow music with Omar and Hatter. Laughing our heads off at Omar's cowardly brush with cops at Hatter's T-Party. Seeing Hatter at about 3 a.m. at HEB and giving him a massive hug. I miss him.
JT forcing me to give a guy my number at a club. I still need to kill her for that. And she still has my books goddammit.
Cackling for what felt like hours with Marlene and Omar over some stupid joke that I'm sure wasn't really that funny.
The final question we were asked to consider in my LAH In Search of Meaning class was, "What gives your life meaning? From what do you derive meaning?"
I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus, and more than that I believe in Christ's teachings. But as much as these things mean to me, I don't think those are the things that give my life meaning.
My own personal beliefs in concepts like justice, truth, honor, are a big part of how I think and how I see things. I don't feel I need organized religion or authority figures to tell me what these things mean, I know what they mean to me and I try to adhere to what I think a good person should be. That gives my life some meaning.
But more than that, or maybe just added to that, my human connections make my life meaningful and happy. I believe that all relationships, whether small acquaintances, enemies, long-time best friends, lovers, parents or siblings, mean something. They all help to mold us into who we are, they all do something for us whether those people are meant to be around a short while or all your life. Maybe it's stupid or emo or just naive of me, but I think we all make up some sort of human tapestry, some beautiful artwork that we are always in the process of creating without being aware of it. Sometimes it brings pain, sometimes it brings joy, and sometimes it just seems to bring a lot of routine nothing, but it all serves to make our lives richer.
So my two families, my family by blood and my family of close friends, give my life meaning. They make me see beauty and God. When I feel like shit and I want to blow all my optimism and idealism to the sky, I remind myself to renew my faith in them. I hang on to them in my mind. I imagine some touch, a hug, a kiss or a grasp of the hands, and I feel grounded. I want to be there for them when they need me or want me, and I feel I can trust them to be there for me when I need it. I can survive anything so long as I know I have just one connection to give my life purpose.
And that's enough of my crap. You can throw up now.