(no subject)
Well the summer is almost over and there are only 10 days before I pack up and leave to go back to school. There's so much more I want to do before I go and so many things I intended to do this summer that won't be done. I wanted to spend a whole day on the seattle waterfront; pike place market, the aquarium, little shops, spaghetti factory, fountains. the weather is quickly fading and there is little chance that that day will happen. Frankly, this summer didn't go as planned. I like plans, I like things to go my way. What person doesnt? sure, a deviation or a speed bump in the road is to be expected, im not oblivious, but some things this summer were more than a little unexpected. For instance: finding out that the man I love, and plan to one day marry, is having a child with another woman. Kinda HUGE! I'm ok with it, I've had a lot of time to process it, but I still don't like that my happily ever after now includes a stepchild from a woman he was only with for a few weeks. when it comes down to it, flipping out would only create more problems. getting myself worked up over something that i have no control over is a waste of energy, not to mention emotionally exhausting. he needs support right now, and i will give him that. because i will give him whatever he wants. i just hope that the road is a little less slippery from now on regarding Jaden [its a boy by the way]. things will be hard enough for matt and i's relationship without throwing a child into the mix. like i said, i like plans, i don't like surprises, and i don't have the skills to cope and adapt to this without thinking of how all of this affects ME. am i being selfish, of course i am, this is my life too. it changes everything. im excited for matt. i think jaden will kickstart matt into going back to school, work towards promotions at his job, and just put a little more pressure on him to reach higher in life. i can definitely say that i've changed my outlook on life this summer. before i had unrealistic expectations for my life. i saw fame and fortune and world travel in my future with my career. but now, i'd settle for teaching my love to college students in a lecture hall instead of gallivanting off to other continents to identify human remains from hundreds of years ago, if it meant that i would have him by my side. there are certain things i wont give up. i will not give up going to hawaii for grad school. if i get that far, i will owe it to myself to finish. matt told me that he would pick up his life here and move with me. but he's also told me that he will stay here and wait for me. the latter of which was said first. honestly, i don't expect him to with a child in the picture. we'd only be able to come home maybe a few times a year, him more often than me born and im 1because of school. i want a life with him. more than anything. i want to get big and round with his baby boys [to carry on the sherrard name of course]. obviously those things will come after i've gotten my masters degree, if not my PhD as well. if and when i start a family, i want to be well established in my career and have a way to provide for my family. i'd love nothing more than to sit at home, doing my research, yelling at the boys to stop running in the house. thats not something i would have said a year ago. i didnt even consider ever having children until matt told me that avigail was pregnant. it absolutely pushed the "mommy" button on. im ready to grow up, be an adult, be self-sufficient WITH a husband, or at least a fiance. we talk about it sometimes, getting married, but i dont push because at other times he becomes very distant and i dont want to scare him away. thats the last thing i want to do, and im pretty sure he knows that, he means the world to me. it'll be nice to have a ring barer at our disposal though. i want a very small wedding, outside, in the summer, so the weather is nice enough. i want a simple wedding dress, not floor length. no tuxes, just suits. i'd like to already have a home. jaden will have his own room for when he stays over, if avigail ever lets him out of her sight. auntie kaitie will buy him a racecar bed. does he even call me auntie? what does a child call their dad's girlfriend? its all these unknowns that have me worried. well not worried, scared really. scared of the unknown. how will this playout once he's 100 miles away? will i get pushed aside to make room for jaden when things get a little hard? he's the one. i've always known. since january 17, 2003 i've known. i will do whatever it takes to make this work. to make him and i work. we have webcams and mics for online chatting, we have texting and the phone. i can easily come home on the weekends, not all weekends, but often. the thing is, he works nights, doesnt get off til 11. my first class is at 10 everyday so i told myself i'd go to bed by midnight at the latest. so he's gonna have to change his routine and frankly, i dont know if he's willing to do that, or even realizes the changes that he'll have to make to keep this going and healthy. its not the baby that scares me most, its what may happen to my relationship with matthew once jaden is born. it scares the hell out of me that i may get lost in all of the commotion. everyone will be thinking about what's best for jaden. thats to be expected. not one person will be thinking about what's best for me. i dont think my heart could handle losing him. again.