(no subject)
I've been learning a lot about selfishness lately. I know that’s it's a cliché to say "It's not about me." (At least maybe a Christian one) But I'm still realizing that it's pretty true. I've realized that I see relationships as a transaction. I put in time, then someone should put time into being with me. If I spend money on them, then they should obviously return the favor. And that's a pretty shitty way to treat people. I think that the most meaningful things I've been given or experienced in my life are the ones that I couldn't repay.
It's even worse when it comes to forgiveness. Sometimes I feel like I don't need to apologize until things have been "made right." I don't know where I got this idea that I was the judge of all things that happen in the world, but it's a humbling experience to realize where you are, and where you should be. I keep thinking back to the example of Jesus. Not only did he invest in people without expecting in return, he already knew that his closest friends would abandon him. But he was still interested in them as people. I don't many people are like that these days.
It puts it into a new perspective when I realize two other things. First, I am filthy rich compared to world standards, and I really do mean filthy. It's kind of disgusting that at 20 I'm making more money then 80% of the world population, and I still can't find it in my budget to help out my friends, or give money to organizations that I know are doing good things in the world. Second, literally everything that I have in this world is a gift. I didn't earn any of it on my own accord, I don't "deserve it."
I sit here and realize this things, but I still have a problem changing. I want to be one the other side of the equation. I want to be giving to people who can't give back to me. I want to help out in something that is bigger than me. And I guess I have started in a small way, but it's baby steps, when I really should be doing more. I guess this is mostly an encouragement. To myself, maybe to others. I think anytime is a good time to have a paradigm shift.
It's even worse when it comes to forgiveness. Sometimes I feel like I don't need to apologize until things have been "made right." I don't know where I got this idea that I was the judge of all things that happen in the world, but it's a humbling experience to realize where you are, and where you should be. I keep thinking back to the example of Jesus. Not only did he invest in people without expecting in return, he already knew that his closest friends would abandon him. But he was still interested in them as people. I don't many people are like that these days.
It puts it into a new perspective when I realize two other things. First, I am filthy rich compared to world standards, and I really do mean filthy. It's kind of disgusting that at 20 I'm making more money then 80% of the world population, and I still can't find it in my budget to help out my friends, or give money to organizations that I know are doing good things in the world. Second, literally everything that I have in this world is a gift. I didn't earn any of it on my own accord, I don't "deserve it."
I sit here and realize this things, but I still have a problem changing. I want to be one the other side of the equation. I want to be giving to people who can't give back to me. I want to help out in something that is bigger than me. And I guess I have started in a small way, but it's baby steps, when I really should be doing more. I guess this is mostly an encouragement. To myself, maybe to others. I think anytime is a good time to have a paradigm shift.