(no subject)
4/24/2017
So I've been dating Daniel for the past few months, ever since October. I've grown to like and love him over time although I'm not quite sure we are 100% compatible, but we are working on it. He seems to really love me and I love and care about him too. Sometimes I'm just not sure if I'm IN LOVE with him and just maybe I like the idea of a relationship. Maybe I like the stability, security and all the good benefits of being in a relationship. I'm not quite sure what i'm looking for, I still don't know who I am and I'm about to turn 30 in about two weeks. Today is April 24th, 2017. Ugh, 30. So dreading that age like nothing else for some reason. Maybe its society, maybe it's how dissapointted I am that I'm not where I thought I wanted to be at this age. I just feel so lost sometimes. I just feel like I am just a shell of myself sometimes. And maybe, my relationship with Daniel brings some calm and roundedness in my life right now that I so so need. I'm also having such a difficult time with a substance use disorder. I've been smoking T, or meth for the past year and I've been increasingly addicted to it and I feel like recently I haven't enjoyed having sex without it. So between the sex and the drugs I've been feeling really shitty. I don't know why. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm bored, maybe it's the combination of all this, but it's not the right path I feel like I should be on and I just wish I could focus on bettering myself and changing these bad choices soon. I think things started to go down hill for a long time and now they are just spiraling out of control. From what I can remember it started when with anthony, then a few years with kent, then brandon, andre, joel and now I'm with Daniel. I've been jumping onto relationship after relationship ever since I was 18 and started dating Donald. I've been so dependent on another person for comfort, sex, companionship, approval, love, money, feeling whole. I just wish I learned how to make myself feel good again and maybe I'm not sure how or if I was happy. I guess I haven't been happy in a long long time. Even when I was with Brandon, I started dating him after kent bc I felt lost after moving to NYC, after college, following kent who got a job there, lived in Buskwick at Opera House lofts and worked at Uniqlo in soho. It felt like a lifetime ago but that time, first moving to nye felt novel, it felt great, then Berkeley happened, Castro, and just even felt more isolated and lost. When kent went to work I would be home doing nothing but smoked weed, listen to sad music and brought home random guys from adam4adam. I would just be waiting there or hanging out in san francisco until kent got home. Then the highlight of my day would be going to the rock climbing gym and making dinner for us to eat. It was so depressing and with no job, Then when I ran out of money, had to move back to Florida. Florida was a big shock after having lived away from home for two years and coming back with nothing except a college degree and no direction. I listened to a lot of depressing music again back at home, smoked weed and slowly started to go back to school, this time at my local college, usf. It just didn't feel like UF, there was not that college community, I had already done my four years, so coming back, I felt so out of place. It was hard for me to connect with people, it's always been hard for me to connect with people. I'm just not even sure I was ever in love with Kent, or Brandon or any of these guys. The last time I can remember that I was truly in love was with Anthony. Anthony Circharo, this quirky, smart, handsome and fucking Sexy Smile that just makes my knees week. The only thing left are pictures that were taken from the short few months we were together and the heartache of years trying to get over him. I think I am over him now, its been a long long time. For awhile I thought I was trying rebound after rebound, I totally took advantage of Taylor, I took him for granted. I treated him so badly and part of me feels like I really fucked him over. I've been the expert at fucking over relationships. My small love affair with Jonathan, has now turned into a friendship, for some reason after I moved back to Florida from California, I kind of attached myself to Jon because he was there, he was one of the few guys around my old house on Curlew that I felt I was attracted to and could talk to. So anyways, here I am, in Brooklyn, in my one bedroom apartment in Crown Heights, been living by myself now for a year and I am just as confused as ever. Things, have changed, Anthony doesn't want to talk to me anymore, Kent has moved on and we have drifted apart but still share Facebook friends together, I don't want to talk to Brandon anymore because that relationship has been tried and tried again and has failed time and again, which shows that we were just better off when we were dating long distance and seeing each other once a month, what a waste of time that was. But I originally wanted to date Brandon because I just wanted to live in NYC, and I did, I lived with him for free basically when I first moved in with him in our East Village apartment on 7th st and Avenue A. We were fighting so often and I was missing home and I was sleeping with other guys because I just wanted something different, I'm not sure if I ever really liked him and loved him, but I did grow to love him over time but I guess sometimes that can happen when you're with someone for a long time. It felt good when we were able to work out our issues and we made up, but somehow we ended up having the same problems and that just got worst and worst until one night we had this huge physical fight and I hit him and he hit me and I hit him with my cellphone and he ended up in the hospital. We somehow forgave each other although that really should have been the end of it, but somehow we continued and tried couples therapy and somehow failed at that too. I just don't know how we drifted so far apart and I guess the more we weren't working out, the more I tried to hold onto it. I don't know why I do this. Andre, felt like a rebound from Brandon and Brandon also had his rebound because when we talked again and tried to make it work he told me that the reason why things didn't work with other guys is because he was never really over me. It felt good for him to say that. We failed again that early summer when he was living in Dumbo and I was living at the apartment we moved in together originally in Bed Stuy on 45 Brevoort. I think what really sucked was when we tried to make it work again when he moved to DC, he just stopped trying as hard as he should be to make a relationship work long distance and sone parts of it worked because we were long distance but that communication was never the same again. And now, I'm here, living by myself finally, something I wasn't sure of, it feels nice, but sometimes it can feel isolating especially living in a neighborhood I'm not quite sure I fit in or I feel super comfortable walking around at night and feeling like it could be unsafe. Anyways, thats just my bias. A few days ago, specially April 18th 2017, I met up with this guy named Mitchell McCabe. We had margaritas at Carino. He works at the Pies and Thighs in Williamsburg, we got to talking about dreams jobs and he just seemed lost like me and I guess his ability to open up and share with me his life so easily made me feel this connection with him that I haven't with anyone in a long time. Him talking about how he's not close to his sister anymore, how his parents are divorced and how he doesn't really talk to them, how he moved here originally with a boyfriend, and how he wanted to just move out West because he wasn't feeling NYC anymore. How he misses working at Trader Joe's because there were great people there and how NYC people are rude to work with and its not the same. How his dream job would be to make his own movies and how he writes. He told me his pipe dream job would be to write for SNL. His ability to share with me and also listen felt so refreshing. Finally someone I can talk to and laugh with. He was telling me how he only worked at nitehawk for a day because it didn't fit with his schedule and how he left his passport there, and so when I needed to go pee, after sitting by the park in williamsburg, we walked over to nitehawk and picked up his passport, finally, I laughed bc it was funny. we stopped by the duane read bc he wanted water, and I was just so giddy just watching his cuteness and I took a pic of him while he was in line and he smiled and flicked me off. He just makes me smile and laugh. Even while waiting for the L train, we were holding hands and kissing. It just felt natural and I honestly haven't felt that way since I was with Anthony at New College. Those nights just felt real, genuine and just pure amazing. Mitch came over that night. He seemed so interesting, with al his random odd jobs, I felt like he was this guy, lost like me, but still working hard, figuring it out, having all these experiences. But having majored in the arts in college, like many other people, he's having a hard time finding his place, enough money to do things he wants. in a way he's kind of stuck. I'm just not sure if I should let this connection stay a friendship or pursue it further. I'm also feeling like I'm more into him than he's into me, I know he has so much potential but I just don't know sometimes if he believes in himself to allow that to happen. I just don't know how I can be so into someone, and they may not be the right fit for me either. And yeah, I'm just not even sure if he's into me. He does things because I want to. Also, is it worth the risk and heartache of liking someone so much to have it fail again. I'm not quite sure if he's as ambitious as anthony or brandon. But unlike anthony or brandon, there's a kindness to him, there's a gentleness, a connection that is beyond just how I feel about them, but I actually like him as a person and in love with his artiness. He also told me that he may want to either move back to Philadelphia this summer or move to the midwest. How can I tell him I want him to stay when he told me he's made the mistake of moving in with a boyfriend before and spent time following guys around like I have, I can't be the guy he stays for. And if he does, I would like to see him make a bigger effort in trying to get to know me more and spend time with me to see if there is potential, if this is worth it to him. Or maybe the timing is off, maybe he's not that into me. There's just so many concerns and doubts and things rolling in my mind about how much I like him and trying to way out all the things that he's not the right person for me but in the end those feelings are still there. Those feelings are real to me. How I can like someone, not all because of sex, not because of money or what they can do for me, but genuinely liking someone for who they are and how they are able to be themselves. It really drives me crazy. And I'm trying so hard to play it cool, like I'm not into him, but I am and those feelings are hard to shake. There's just so many questions to ask, and I still want to get to know him more, maybe just knowing if he's at least into me and that there can be potential. Anyways, I just also want to make sure this time around I work on myself too, and not just let my life revolve around my relationships with guys. And of course, I'm still with Daniel, we are suppose to move into Stuytown together soon, and he doesn't know half the things I do, how I sleep with other guys, how I am currently infatuated with Mitch. I'm just not sure I am in love with Daniel. But the care we have for each other can grow. I can rely on Daniel to be there for me. With Mitch, I'm not quite sure if I can depend on him, or that he's able to give me the things I need beyond just liking each other. Is there more to love? It really makes me wonder. I was watching the Bachelor the other day and I cried, when Vanessa asked Nick's dad if love was enough to make a relationship work. And he said, from his experience that it's more than just love, it's sacrifices and commitment. I want someone who can commit to a relationship, who asks me if I need anything, someone who cares about someone other than themselves. I want to be that kind of person and I want to be with someone who is that kind of person for me.
So I've been dating Daniel for the past few months, ever since October. I've grown to like and love him over time although I'm not quite sure we are 100% compatible, but we are working on it. He seems to really love me and I love and care about him too. Sometimes I'm just not sure if I'm IN LOVE with him and just maybe I like the idea of a relationship. Maybe I like the stability, security and all the good benefits of being in a relationship. I'm not quite sure what i'm looking for, I still don't know who I am and I'm about to turn 30 in about two weeks. Today is April 24th, 2017. Ugh, 30. So dreading that age like nothing else for some reason. Maybe its society, maybe it's how dissapointted I am that I'm not where I thought I wanted to be at this age. I just feel so lost sometimes. I just feel like I am just a shell of myself sometimes. And maybe, my relationship with Daniel brings some calm and roundedness in my life right now that I so so need. I'm also having such a difficult time with a substance use disorder. I've been smoking T, or meth for the past year and I've been increasingly addicted to it and I feel like recently I haven't enjoyed having sex without it. So between the sex and the drugs I've been feeling really shitty. I don't know why. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm bored, maybe it's the combination of all this, but it's not the right path I feel like I should be on and I just wish I could focus on bettering myself and changing these bad choices soon. I think things started to go down hill for a long time and now they are just spiraling out of control. From what I can remember it started when with anthony, then a few years with kent, then brandon, andre, joel and now I'm with Daniel. I've been jumping onto relationship after relationship ever since I was 18 and started dating Donald. I've been so dependent on another person for comfort, sex, companionship, approval, love, money, feeling whole. I just wish I learned how to make myself feel good again and maybe I'm not sure how or if I was happy. I guess I haven't been happy in a long long time. Even when I was with Brandon, I started dating him after kent bc I felt lost after moving to NYC, after college, following kent who got a job there, lived in Buskwick at Opera House lofts and worked at Uniqlo in soho. It felt like a lifetime ago but that time, first moving to nye felt novel, it felt great, then Berkeley happened, Castro, and just even felt more isolated and lost. When kent went to work I would be home doing nothing but smoked weed, listen to sad music and brought home random guys from adam4adam. I would just be waiting there or hanging out in san francisco until kent got home. Then the highlight of my day would be going to the rock climbing gym and making dinner for us to eat. It was so depressing and with no job, Then when I ran out of money, had to move back to Florida. Florida was a big shock after having lived away from home for two years and coming back with nothing except a college degree and no direction. I listened to a lot of depressing music again back at home, smoked weed and slowly started to go back to school, this time at my local college, usf. It just didn't feel like UF, there was not that college community, I had already done my four years, so coming back, I felt so out of place. It was hard for me to connect with people, it's always been hard for me to connect with people. I'm just not even sure I was ever in love with Kent, or Brandon or any of these guys. The last time I can remember that I was truly in love was with Anthony. Anthony Circharo, this quirky, smart, handsome and fucking Sexy Smile that just makes my knees week. The only thing left are pictures that were taken from the short few months we were together and the heartache of years trying to get over him. I think I am over him now, its been a long long time. For awhile I thought I was trying rebound after rebound, I totally took advantage of Taylor, I took him for granted. I treated him so badly and part of me feels like I really fucked him over. I've been the expert at fucking over relationships. My small love affair with Jonathan, has now turned into a friendship, for some reason after I moved back to Florida from California, I kind of attached myself to Jon because he was there, he was one of the few guys around my old house on Curlew that I felt I was attracted to and could talk to. So anyways, here I am, in Brooklyn, in my one bedroom apartment in Crown Heights, been living by myself now for a year and I am just as confused as ever. Things, have changed, Anthony doesn't want to talk to me anymore, Kent has moved on and we have drifted apart but still share Facebook friends together, I don't want to talk to Brandon anymore because that relationship has been tried and tried again and has failed time and again, which shows that we were just better off when we were dating long distance and seeing each other once a month, what a waste of time that was. But I originally wanted to date Brandon because I just wanted to live in NYC, and I did, I lived with him for free basically when I first moved in with him in our East Village apartment on 7th st and Avenue A. We were fighting so often and I was missing home and I was sleeping with other guys because I just wanted something different, I'm not sure if I ever really liked him and loved him, but I did grow to love him over time but I guess sometimes that can happen when you're with someone for a long time. It felt good when we were able to work out our issues and we made up, but somehow we ended up having the same problems and that just got worst and worst until one night we had this huge physical fight and I hit him and he hit me and I hit him with my cellphone and he ended up in the hospital. We somehow forgave each other although that really should have been the end of it, but somehow we continued and tried couples therapy and somehow failed at that too. I just don't know how we drifted so far apart and I guess the more we weren't working out, the more I tried to hold onto it. I don't know why I do this. Andre, felt like a rebound from Brandon and Brandon also had his rebound because when we talked again and tried to make it work he told me that the reason why things didn't work with other guys is because he was never really over me. It felt good for him to say that. We failed again that early summer when he was living in Dumbo and I was living at the apartment we moved in together originally in Bed Stuy on 45 Brevoort. I think what really sucked was when we tried to make it work again when he moved to DC, he just stopped trying as hard as he should be to make a relationship work long distance and sone parts of it worked because we were long distance but that communication was never the same again. And now, I'm here, living by myself finally, something I wasn't sure of, it feels nice, but sometimes it can feel isolating especially living in a neighborhood I'm not quite sure I fit in or I feel super comfortable walking around at night and feeling like it could be unsafe. Anyways, thats just my bias. A few days ago, specially April 18th 2017, I met up with this guy named Mitchell McCabe. We had margaritas at Carino. He works at the Pies and Thighs in Williamsburg, we got to talking about dreams jobs and he just seemed lost like me and I guess his ability to open up and share with me his life so easily made me feel this connection with him that I haven't with anyone in a long time. Him talking about how he's not close to his sister anymore, how his parents are divorced and how he doesn't really talk to them, how he moved here originally with a boyfriend, and how he wanted to just move out West because he wasn't feeling NYC anymore. How he misses working at Trader Joe's because there were great people there and how NYC people are rude to work with and its not the same. How his dream job would be to make his own movies and how he writes. He told me his pipe dream job would be to write for SNL. His ability to share with me and also listen felt so refreshing. Finally someone I can talk to and laugh with. He was telling me how he only worked at nitehawk for a day because it didn't fit with his schedule and how he left his passport there, and so when I needed to go pee, after sitting by the park in williamsburg, we walked over to nitehawk and picked up his passport, finally, I laughed bc it was funny. we stopped by the duane read bc he wanted water, and I was just so giddy just watching his cuteness and I took a pic of him while he was in line and he smiled and flicked me off. He just makes me smile and laugh. Even while waiting for the L train, we were holding hands and kissing. It just felt natural and I honestly haven't felt that way since I was with Anthony at New College. Those nights just felt real, genuine and just pure amazing. Mitch came over that night. He seemed so interesting, with al his random odd jobs, I felt like he was this guy, lost like me, but still working hard, figuring it out, having all these experiences. But having majored in the arts in college, like many other people, he's having a hard time finding his place, enough money to do things he wants. in a way he's kind of stuck. I'm just not sure if I should let this connection stay a friendship or pursue it further. I'm also feeling like I'm more into him than he's into me, I know he has so much potential but I just don't know sometimes if he believes in himself to allow that to happen. I just don't know how I can be so into someone, and they may not be the right fit for me either. And yeah, I'm just not even sure if he's into me. He does things because I want to. Also, is it worth the risk and heartache of liking someone so much to have it fail again. I'm not quite sure if he's as ambitious as anthony or brandon. But unlike anthony or brandon, there's a kindness to him, there's a gentleness, a connection that is beyond just how I feel about them, but I actually like him as a person and in love with his artiness. He also told me that he may want to either move back to Philadelphia this summer or move to the midwest. How can I tell him I want him to stay when he told me he's made the mistake of moving in with a boyfriend before and spent time following guys around like I have, I can't be the guy he stays for. And if he does, I would like to see him make a bigger effort in trying to get to know me more and spend time with me to see if there is potential, if this is worth it to him. Or maybe the timing is off, maybe he's not that into me. There's just so many concerns and doubts and things rolling in my mind about how much I like him and trying to way out all the things that he's not the right person for me but in the end those feelings are still there. Those feelings are real to me. How I can like someone, not all because of sex, not because of money or what they can do for me, but genuinely liking someone for who they are and how they are able to be themselves. It really drives me crazy. And I'm trying so hard to play it cool, like I'm not into him, but I am and those feelings are hard to shake. There's just so many questions to ask, and I still want to get to know him more, maybe just knowing if he's at least into me and that there can be potential. Anyways, I just also want to make sure this time around I work on myself too, and not just let my life revolve around my relationships with guys. And of course, I'm still with Daniel, we are suppose to move into Stuytown together soon, and he doesn't know half the things I do, how I sleep with other guys, how I am currently infatuated with Mitch. I'm just not sure I am in love with Daniel. But the care we have for each other can grow. I can rely on Daniel to be there for me. With Mitch, I'm not quite sure if I can depend on him, or that he's able to give me the things I need beyond just liking each other. Is there more to love? It really makes me wonder. I was watching the Bachelor the other day and I cried, when Vanessa asked Nick's dad if love was enough to make a relationship work. And he said, from his experience that it's more than just love, it's sacrifices and commitment. I want someone who can commit to a relationship, who asks me if I need anything, someone who cares about someone other than themselves. I want to be that kind of person and I want to be with someone who is that kind of person for me.