Life Surprises
The last time I saw him was at his graduation at New College. He told me he saw me through a window. I think he caught my eye before they announced his name, before he walked up stage, I'm not sure. I stood for him, clapped, then I quickly left the tent. I watched the sun set across the bay as they continued announcing names. I stared in the distance at a tiny, isolated boat, floating next to the sinking sunset, which cast a golden tint on everything from the water to the old New College mansions. This was only the beginning to a lonely summer, I thought to myself.
I drove home that night, crying, with the windows down, the warm summer air gliding across my hand. I crossed the skyway bridge assuming to be for the very last time, no more Anthony, just not anymore. Surprisingly, this wasn't the last time, as the summer continued, with the kindness of my friend Patricia, she invited me to her family's Beach condo in Long Boat, where I spent my summer days escaping in the warm waters and blazing sun. Summer brought me closer to Navela, Tiffany, Taylor. I spent some days doing nothing except lounging around, going to class, going to the movies. The boredom I endured was mind-numbing at times. There was so much time, and nothing really to do. Whether I was stuck in Gainesville or Clearwater, I was always feeling lonely. I felt restless at night. I thought about Anthony.
Steve brought me back to life, he was my trusted penpal, there is something exciting about strangers from different worlds meeting and actually liking each other. Taylor was guiding me to a better path with his comfort and security that I couldn't do without. Navela was empathetic and a great listener and friend. I had a lot going for me at that time. I decided I needed to talk to Anthony, so I sent him a message. He was in Middlebury at that time. I was surprised that he replied. I was afraid, after all the horrible things that happened with our relationship, he said he wouldn't speak to me anymore. I didn't know if this was his last reply, it was filled with guilt, regret and resentment. Certain things were avoided, while other things were explicitly expressed. The replies continued, gradually becoming lighter than the next, until the presences of guilt, regret and resentment no longer cast a shadow over our messages.
As I talked to Steve more, he asked if he could see me sometime during the summer, when his friends made a trip to Florida. I couldn't wait to see him any longer. He won me over, with his honesty and his distinct sense of humor. On impulse I bought tickets to New York to see him. I stayed with him for 5 days, days spent with him and New York were moments I still dream about. On the fifth day, it was probably the longest car ride of my life, we didn't leave on good terms, I said goodbye to him hastily, gave him a kiss for the last time and closed the door. As he was driving away, I looked back at him, he smiled at me. It was only a week later that I found out about Steve's death, the car accident, and the shock that still keeps me up at night.
When I look back at my summer, the summer of 2008, I think about New York City and Steve, and Taylor, and seeing Anthony graduate, just thinking about days we spent together at New College, how ago that was and how far I've come since then, if it even amounted to anything, it doesn't matter really but to appreciate it what happened, it was worth it, it was all worth it I thought to myself.
He's back in my life now, Anthony, in a different way. Finally, after two years of silence, somehow, someway, we found each other again. I guess it was a good sacrifice, the end of a relationship to the beginning of another one. It's all new to me, our friendship, it's nice and I'm thankful for it. I feel that, at least now, we have been more honest with each other, or at least I have been more frank with him than I have ever been when we were in a relationship. I should note that he has always been honest with me. Now, I feel like I can finally open up to him and just talk to him about what's going on. He's in China now, and I miss him a lot. I've been missing him for a long time now.
-Rooftop Angel-
Waterseed reeds are covered with hoarfrost at night
The green mountains are drowned in the cold blue moonlight
Who says a thousand miles will separate us today?
My dreams will follow you though you are far away
This is for you Anthony, I love you.
MN
I drove home that night, crying, with the windows down, the warm summer air gliding across my hand. I crossed the skyway bridge assuming to be for the very last time, no more Anthony, just not anymore. Surprisingly, this wasn't the last time, as the summer continued, with the kindness of my friend Patricia, she invited me to her family's Beach condo in Long Boat, where I spent my summer days escaping in the warm waters and blazing sun. Summer brought me closer to Navela, Tiffany, Taylor. I spent some days doing nothing except lounging around, going to class, going to the movies. The boredom I endured was mind-numbing at times. There was so much time, and nothing really to do. Whether I was stuck in Gainesville or Clearwater, I was always feeling lonely. I felt restless at night. I thought about Anthony.
Steve brought me back to life, he was my trusted penpal, there is something exciting about strangers from different worlds meeting and actually liking each other. Taylor was guiding me to a better path with his comfort and security that I couldn't do without. Navela was empathetic and a great listener and friend. I had a lot going for me at that time. I decided I needed to talk to Anthony, so I sent him a message. He was in Middlebury at that time. I was surprised that he replied. I was afraid, after all the horrible things that happened with our relationship, he said he wouldn't speak to me anymore. I didn't know if this was his last reply, it was filled with guilt, regret and resentment. Certain things were avoided, while other things were explicitly expressed. The replies continued, gradually becoming lighter than the next, until the presences of guilt, regret and resentment no longer cast a shadow over our messages.
As I talked to Steve more, he asked if he could see me sometime during the summer, when his friends made a trip to Florida. I couldn't wait to see him any longer. He won me over, with his honesty and his distinct sense of humor. On impulse I bought tickets to New York to see him. I stayed with him for 5 days, days spent with him and New York were moments I still dream about. On the fifth day, it was probably the longest car ride of my life, we didn't leave on good terms, I said goodbye to him hastily, gave him a kiss for the last time and closed the door. As he was driving away, I looked back at him, he smiled at me. It was only a week later that I found out about Steve's death, the car accident, and the shock that still keeps me up at night.
When I look back at my summer, the summer of 2008, I think about New York City and Steve, and Taylor, and seeing Anthony graduate, just thinking about days we spent together at New College, how ago that was and how far I've come since then, if it even amounted to anything, it doesn't matter really but to appreciate it what happened, it was worth it, it was all worth it I thought to myself.
He's back in my life now, Anthony, in a different way. Finally, after two years of silence, somehow, someway, we found each other again. I guess it was a good sacrifice, the end of a relationship to the beginning of another one. It's all new to me, our friendship, it's nice and I'm thankful for it. I feel that, at least now, we have been more honest with each other, or at least I have been more frank with him than I have ever been when we were in a relationship. I should note that he has always been honest with me. Now, I feel like I can finally open up to him and just talk to him about what's going on. He's in China now, and I miss him a lot. I've been missing him for a long time now.
-Rooftop Angel-
Waterseed reeds are covered with hoarfrost at night
The green mountains are drowned in the cold blue moonlight
Who says a thousand miles will separate us today?
My dreams will follow you though you are far away
This is for you Anthony, I love you.
MN