weekend update....and some flashbacks
194#. stop, PLEASE. my muffin top is almost unnoticeable now. i don't even know how i feel about that.
it's been a rough week. eating has been rough, pooping has been rough, i've been spotting again, and running a fever on and off for no reason. i took monday off to sleep because i was up all night sunday, and yesterday i was ok until about two in the afternoon when i completely ran out of steam. it was serious enough that i got called into the boss's office to be asked if everything was ok. today was better. i worked like my normal machine-like self all day and didn't have to take fifty bathroom breaks. tomorrow the boss will be back in, so i'm hoping i have another day like today so he'll be less concerned. today was a good day.
saturday i slept all day because i ran a for-no-reason fever. sunday i got up and went to church and church-lunch with the old folks. i hadn't seen some of them since the summer and i guess my appearance was rather a shock. fortunately they tell me i look great. we went to cracker barrel for lunch, and i knew i wasn't going to be able to eat anything i really wanted....like some chicken and dumplings or a damn pancake. the funny thing was i picked out this yogurt parfait and i can honestly say that it was the most delicious thing i've ever had there. it was vanilla yogurt with granola, dried cranberries, and fresh pineapple. i couldn't eat it all, but it was a $6 meal-out, including tip...which was nearly equal to the bill because tipping a percentage at that low of a total is dick. and we're a fussy table. we always need extra napkins, coffee creamer, mayo, gravy, etc. i missed the elderly people. they're always so funny. and it's a pleasure to help them with all the little things we take for granted being able to do because we're young. after lunch i went home with grandma and took her christmas tree down. it hardly took an hour. it was a nice day :)
i have a sort-of date tomorrow. he's not exactly what i would consider my type, but he seems interesting enough to meet up with and he's interested in me. the guy is COVERED in tattoos. there's a gigantic escher piece on his back that i'd like to see in better detail. we'll see how it goes. he's picked up bikram yoga recently, and that interests me. yoga in the heat would feel really good. and a yoga class would probably get my stress level, and consequently my digestive system, back under control. it would also help me build some strength back up. i hope he's at least cool enough we can be friends. he's colorblind too, which is already fun to mess with him about. i think it'll be a good time at the very least.
this actually happened before christmas, but with everything else that was going on, i didn't feel like mentioning it. i spent some time with sita and came to the conclusion that i have no interest in pursuing anything further with her. it was for a combination of things. she had repeated to me several times since we'd starting talking again about how i had broken her heart. several times she said it. the first time i felt sorry and said so. the second time i still felt a little sorry and said so. after that i just stopped responding to the mantra and kept thinking in my head, 'how many times has she made me feel that way? and usually because of some idiot man in her life. do i keep bringing that shit up? no i don't.' and then the absolute nail in the coffin, she decided to tell me that she'd asked her current crap-ass boyfriend if she could date a girl and he said yes. she asked if it could be me, and he said no, BECAUSE I AM UGLY. those words were not even out of her mouth and she goes, 'THAT HURT ME SOOOO MUCH!!!' all i could think was...are you fucking kidding me? you just called me ugly through your boyfriend. not the first time. and YOU were hurt by that??? how the fuck do you think that makes me feel?? why are you even telling me this?? so with that i decided i don't need anymore abuse by men, especially not through some silly girl who is pushing 30 and still acting like she's 15, all fired up about having problems with authority and with a perspective that can hardly shift outside her own head. we're just not on the same page at all.
and to be honest, i want a man. i don't have any desire for a woman. that feeling has been slowly fading for years now. i don't even actually have much sexual desire left. i got bored with the giant cock from november because i didn't feel for him at all. he was nice enough, but i just lost interest. i don't really masturbate that much anymore. i'd so much rather have a good 20-minute hug and some forehead kisses.
from last week:
maybe i'll get around to putting on a decent-looking outfit, one of my boob-lifting bras, and take a shot of what my body looks like now. keith will help me. my face looks better, and i'm actually glad to see my chubby elbow are still there. i like them. the baby-biscuit (me and my sister's slang for the double-chin) is way smaller. but my shoulders are shrinking so much my head is starting to look big. awesome!
here's a few weird things about losing so much weight. i had this talk with my sister. my bones aren't surrounded by thick layers of fat anymore and it hurts when i sit on a hard surface for a long period of time. my butt bones get sore and feel like they're going to poke through my skin. BUT.....if i cross my legs (like a lady) it takes the pressure off and is strangely more comfortable. also, when i lay on my side at night i have to put a pillow between my knees because my knee and ankle bones bang together. it's damned uncomfortable. and really weird. i'm going to buy a thick soft pad for the top of my mattress and see if that helps. my bed is not soft. for a reason. i need the firmness to keep my bones stretched out. but i need the softness of a thick egg-crate pad or something to keep those bones from grinding. maybe when my tax return comes in next month.
and one more thing i totally forgot to mention, i did see the lunar eclipse on the 21st last month. me and keith both got up and froze our asses off to watch it. of course it was AMAZING :)
it's been a rough week. eating has been rough, pooping has been rough, i've been spotting again, and running a fever on and off for no reason. i took monday off to sleep because i was up all night sunday, and yesterday i was ok until about two in the afternoon when i completely ran out of steam. it was serious enough that i got called into the boss's office to be asked if everything was ok. today was better. i worked like my normal machine-like self all day and didn't have to take fifty bathroom breaks. tomorrow the boss will be back in, so i'm hoping i have another day like today so he'll be less concerned. today was a good day.
saturday i slept all day because i ran a for-no-reason fever. sunday i got up and went to church and church-lunch with the old folks. i hadn't seen some of them since the summer and i guess my appearance was rather a shock. fortunately they tell me i look great. we went to cracker barrel for lunch, and i knew i wasn't going to be able to eat anything i really wanted....like some chicken and dumplings or a damn pancake. the funny thing was i picked out this yogurt parfait and i can honestly say that it was the most delicious thing i've ever had there. it was vanilla yogurt with granola, dried cranberries, and fresh pineapple. i couldn't eat it all, but it was a $6 meal-out, including tip...which was nearly equal to the bill because tipping a percentage at that low of a total is dick. and we're a fussy table. we always need extra napkins, coffee creamer, mayo, gravy, etc. i missed the elderly people. they're always so funny. and it's a pleasure to help them with all the little things we take for granted being able to do because we're young. after lunch i went home with grandma and took her christmas tree down. it hardly took an hour. it was a nice day :)
i have a sort-of date tomorrow. he's not exactly what i would consider my type, but he seems interesting enough to meet up with and he's interested in me. the guy is COVERED in tattoos. there's a gigantic escher piece on his back that i'd like to see in better detail. we'll see how it goes. he's picked up bikram yoga recently, and that interests me. yoga in the heat would feel really good. and a yoga class would probably get my stress level, and consequently my digestive system, back under control. it would also help me build some strength back up. i hope he's at least cool enough we can be friends. he's colorblind too, which is already fun to mess with him about. i think it'll be a good time at the very least.
this actually happened before christmas, but with everything else that was going on, i didn't feel like mentioning it. i spent some time with sita and came to the conclusion that i have no interest in pursuing anything further with her. it was for a combination of things. she had repeated to me several times since we'd starting talking again about how i had broken her heart. several times she said it. the first time i felt sorry and said so. the second time i still felt a little sorry and said so. after that i just stopped responding to the mantra and kept thinking in my head, 'how many times has she made me feel that way? and usually because of some idiot man in her life. do i keep bringing that shit up? no i don't.' and then the absolute nail in the coffin, she decided to tell me that she'd asked her current crap-ass boyfriend if she could date a girl and he said yes. she asked if it could be me, and he said no, BECAUSE I AM UGLY. those words were not even out of her mouth and she goes, 'THAT HURT ME SOOOO MUCH!!!' all i could think was...are you fucking kidding me? you just called me ugly through your boyfriend. not the first time. and YOU were hurt by that??? how the fuck do you think that makes me feel?? why are you even telling me this?? so with that i decided i don't need anymore abuse by men, especially not through some silly girl who is pushing 30 and still acting like she's 15, all fired up about having problems with authority and with a perspective that can hardly shift outside her own head. we're just not on the same page at all.
and to be honest, i want a man. i don't have any desire for a woman. that feeling has been slowly fading for years now. i don't even actually have much sexual desire left. i got bored with the giant cock from november because i didn't feel for him at all. he was nice enough, but i just lost interest. i don't really masturbate that much anymore. i'd so much rather have a good 20-minute hug and some forehead kisses.
from last week:
maybe i'll get around to putting on a decent-looking outfit, one of my boob-lifting bras, and take a shot of what my body looks like now. keith will help me. my face looks better, and i'm actually glad to see my chubby elbow are still there. i like them. the baby-biscuit (me and my sister's slang for the double-chin) is way smaller. but my shoulders are shrinking so much my head is starting to look big. awesome!
here's a few weird things about losing so much weight. i had this talk with my sister. my bones aren't surrounded by thick layers of fat anymore and it hurts when i sit on a hard surface for a long period of time. my butt bones get sore and feel like they're going to poke through my skin. BUT.....if i cross my legs (like a lady) it takes the pressure off and is strangely more comfortable. also, when i lay on my side at night i have to put a pillow between my knees because my knee and ankle bones bang together. it's damned uncomfortable. and really weird. i'm going to buy a thick soft pad for the top of my mattress and see if that helps. my bed is not soft. for a reason. i need the firmness to keep my bones stretched out. but i need the softness of a thick egg-crate pad or something to keep those bones from grinding. maybe when my tax return comes in next month.
and one more thing i totally forgot to mention, i did see the lunar eclipse on the 21st last month. me and keith both got up and froze our asses off to watch it. of course it was AMAZING :)