luuuuke, my brother is your father!
last weekend was kristi's baby shower for luke. he'll be here on november 17, by appointment :) between chasing natalie around and playing with toys and boxes and wrapping paper balls, and then playing pass-the-peanut with luke, i think this is going to be the best christmas EVER!!
presents!
concentrating on making the dumb bow-hat.
me and grandma :)
trouble wears a dress.
with pop on the mower :)
washing mama's car!
kinda makes me want one just like her. a lot.
my sister wants one too. she has been having a hard time getting pregnant. when we saw each other in north carolina she told me she found out on her birthday (august 26) that she was pregnant and then by september 9th she was having the horrible suction procedure because she miscarried. she completely blames herself, which is silly. she'll have one, it's just not time yet. my heart breaks for her because she's hurting so much. but she has an excellent husband who is patient and loves her very much. he takes good care of her.
i told her i'd had a miscarriage years ago with ryan. then i told her about my abortion with jon. and then my two rounds of plan b with basil. i think i took it a 3rd time with philip but i can't remember, which is kind of a shame. it seemed to make her feel better that i'd miscarried, so she didn't feel so alone. and i knew we felt the same about the whole thing, so i just said it. from the moment i found out i miscarried until the moment they'd sucked all the mess out, i was completely grossed out with the thought that there was a dead baby inside me. she felt exactly the same way, and i told her there was no shame in that, and it doesn't mean we don't have the capacity to love.
i just feel bad for both of us. she wants a baby so her family feels complete. i want someone to start a family with so when the people i love most start dying off, and they will within 10 years, i have something to replace them with. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to get old and not have any family.
when i was younger and it seemed so easy to connect with people on emotional and physical levels, i never thought that i would be unmarried, not dating anyone, and effectively celibate at 32 years old. yet here i am. not interested in a single person anymore. and unable to get interested in a single person. yearning for intimacy, sexually deprived, uncomfortable with both.
i wish it could be explained why i constantly attract married men. is it the area i'm living in? is my face and number on a wall somewhere? i really would just like to to know what in the fuck is happening here, scientifically. five out of the last seven men that have shown any interest in me have been married. why???? i couldn't go to vegas and roll this hot. it's comical, i admit. but it's also fucking ridiculous.
i feel like my ability to affect change in this area of my life is limited. i can't make myself love someone, and i can't make anyone love me. it just has to happen on it's own. i'm strangely at peace with that fact. i have bizarre dreams about not meeting my husband until we're both old and wrinkled. well past the years of having a family together, but together in the end at least, where it counts most. sometimes i question whether or not i'll ever be married, but i know for sure that i won't be married twice.
true story. when i was a kid i went to a birthday party and went swimming. i have had in my head for years this clip of standing on the diving board and looking down into the water at a kid named jason and screaming his name at the top of my lungs because he was drowning. he jumped in a couldn't swim. one of the dads at the party dove in and fished him out. last week i met him again through okcupid. he looked a little familiar to me, we exchanged a couple emails and as soon as he told me his name, i recognized him. i then proceeded to freak him the fuck out by asking if he'd ever almost drowned at a kid-party when he was young. third email, we hardly know each other, hey i screamed to saved your life 25 years ago.
i think he thinks we have this weird connection now, but i know it's just that melbourne is a really small town.
a really small town.
maybe too small for me.
presents!
concentrating on making the dumb bow-hat.
me and grandma :)
trouble wears a dress.
with pop on the mower :)
washing mama's car!
kinda makes me want one just like her. a lot.
my sister wants one too. she has been having a hard time getting pregnant. when we saw each other in north carolina she told me she found out on her birthday (august 26) that she was pregnant and then by september 9th she was having the horrible suction procedure because she miscarried. she completely blames herself, which is silly. she'll have one, it's just not time yet. my heart breaks for her because she's hurting so much. but she has an excellent husband who is patient and loves her very much. he takes good care of her.
i told her i'd had a miscarriage years ago with ryan. then i told her about my abortion with jon. and then my two rounds of plan b with basil. i think i took it a 3rd time with philip but i can't remember, which is kind of a shame. it seemed to make her feel better that i'd miscarried, so she didn't feel so alone. and i knew we felt the same about the whole thing, so i just said it. from the moment i found out i miscarried until the moment they'd sucked all the mess out, i was completely grossed out with the thought that there was a dead baby inside me. she felt exactly the same way, and i told her there was no shame in that, and it doesn't mean we don't have the capacity to love.
i just feel bad for both of us. she wants a baby so her family feels complete. i want someone to start a family with so when the people i love most start dying off, and they will within 10 years, i have something to replace them with. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to get old and not have any family.
when i was younger and it seemed so easy to connect with people on emotional and physical levels, i never thought that i would be unmarried, not dating anyone, and effectively celibate at 32 years old. yet here i am. not interested in a single person anymore. and unable to get interested in a single person. yearning for intimacy, sexually deprived, uncomfortable with both.
i wish it could be explained why i constantly attract married men. is it the area i'm living in? is my face and number on a wall somewhere? i really would just like to to know what in the fuck is happening here, scientifically. five out of the last seven men that have shown any interest in me have been married. why???? i couldn't go to vegas and roll this hot. it's comical, i admit. but it's also fucking ridiculous.
i feel like my ability to affect change in this area of my life is limited. i can't make myself love someone, and i can't make anyone love me. it just has to happen on it's own. i'm strangely at peace with that fact. i have bizarre dreams about not meeting my husband until we're both old and wrinkled. well past the years of having a family together, but together in the end at least, where it counts most. sometimes i question whether or not i'll ever be married, but i know for sure that i won't be married twice.
true story. when i was a kid i went to a birthday party and went swimming. i have had in my head for years this clip of standing on the diving board and looking down into the water at a kid named jason and screaming his name at the top of my lungs because he was drowning. he jumped in a couldn't swim. one of the dads at the party dove in and fished him out. last week i met him again through okcupid. he looked a little familiar to me, we exchanged a couple emails and as soon as he told me his name, i recognized him. i then proceeded to freak him the fuck out by asking if he'd ever almost drowned at a kid-party when he was young. third email, we hardly know each other, hey i screamed to saved your life 25 years ago.
i think he thinks we have this weird connection now, but i know it's just that melbourne is a really small town.
a really small town.
maybe too small for me.