On the eve to upgrading to 4.0.
Went to The Artist Project 21/2 weeks weeks ago. It featured over 200 Artists. It was held on the CNE grounds. I came across this installation. I forgot the name of the artist who created the installation, which is a pity. She created a wonderful installation called Hope.
It simply housed red balloons within a square box. The red balloons were blown up with Helium so that they stick to the top of the roof. When the helium runs out, the balloon floats down to the bottom. Inside each balloon were msgs of hope left by the artist.
I kept on staring at that particular exhibit. I was fascinated and drawn to it’s simplistic message. It sort of reflected how I felt in my own life. You see the past several months I been feeling pretty depressed over turning 40 this year. I felt liek a failure in all sorts of parts in my life. It didn't help that I reached a few rough patches in the fall of last year regarding my health, my job situation, and loneliness. It didn't help that the man who played with my emotions 2 yrs ago contacted me on New Year's Eve to tell me how much he loves me and misses me-yet when I call on him on his bs, too chicken shit to step up..sigh...). Don't want to go there. Believe me spent way too much time wallowing.
While my life isn't perfect I have a lot going for me.
1. I came to a new city as a stranger and built a life independent of my family
2. I'm out and proud of my progress as a Queer Male
3. I'm glad me and my family are trying to make amends
4. I'm blessed to know so many great people in my life
5. I'm blessed for now that I have some sort of financial stability work wise
6. Despite some of the hard knocks I faced in my life I learned to own my shit, learn from my mistakes and dealing with it. Marching forward head first, keep my feet to the ground and keep moving
In doing so I moved away or simply grew apart from certain people who find are simply just too negative to be around. Don't get me wrong I don't mind reaching out to people but when you don't deal with your shit and start blaming others including people trying to help you for your own mess, I simply have no time to deal with you. In fact I find myself loosing patience with people who refuse to be responsible for their own actions. As a result I simply backed away from a few of these Chaos Engines in the works for the good of my own sanity.
More importantly going to spend the better part of this decade working on myself, and my own goals starting this year. Good or bad!! It's my year. Going to go after the things I want including getting my drivers licenses, clean out my apartment and throw out the junk. Take small steps ..baby steps towards personal improvement and goals. In doing so I think the time is now to back away from a number of community commitments. Now is time to take a back seat and let others lead for a while.
It won’t be easy. Times I feel lonely and I question some of the decisions in my life and yes I will make mistakes. What I have to remember is to breath, step forward and make the most of it!!!
It's time to dream again..live fearless again and fly......