Before you I had no where to run to--R--Bradley/Colin
Before you I had no where to run to
Author: wedabble
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own> Bradley or Colin. They just own me.
Pairing: Bradley/Colin
Summary: The alcohol numbs nothing tonight. The regret still radiates through every cell of my body. Her naked body lying in my bed upstairs gives me no comfort in the loneliness I feel. In fact it makes me feel even more alone.
A/N: Dedicated to kajmere because she is my muse.
My whole life waiting for the right time to tell you how I feel...
The rain hits the window with a force that could only be brought on by ghosts of the past. Ghosts to remind me. Lead my memories back to times I wish I could bury. Times I wish would seep into the abyss of lost chances. But they don’t. They linger everywhere. In every song. In every touch of a hand that isn’t his.
In every breath I take.
The alcohol numbs nothing tonight. The regret still radiates through every cell of my body. Her naked body lying in my bed upstairs gives me no comfort in the loneliness I feel. In fact it makes me feel even more alone.
Know I try to tell you that I need you; Here I am without you. I feel so lost but what can I do?
I rub my thumb over the screen of my taunting cell phone. My finger hovers over the call button; always good intentions but no follow through.
It’s late; who knows where he is or what he is even doing. It’s been too long.
It hasn’t been long enough for this type of phone call.
I close my phone and lean back against the couch. The house is quiet. I can hear my heart beating. I close my eyes.
“You’re drunk.”
He touches the tip of my nose with his finger and gives me that smile that literally makes planets collide.
“I think not.”
“Yessssssssss youuuuuuuuuu areeeeeeeeeee.” His face is centimeters from mine. I can smell the wine on his breath and the natural scent that filters off him from his skin. He’s so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at him.
I don’t remember how I started kissing him. I just know that I did.
I know the sound of the wine glass shattering against the wall will wake the naked girl upstairs in my bed.
I just don’t care anymore.
'Cause I know this love seems real; But I don’t know how to feel...
“Bradley?”
Her thick French accent makes my skin crawl.
“Everything’s fine. Go back to bed.”
“Are you coming?”
I swallow down vomit. “Soon.”
I hear her bare feet pad back upstairs and my heart rate slows back down to normal.
But nothing is normal. Nothing without him is normal.
Alright. Everything is alright since you came along...
“Rock, paper, scissors.”
“Excuse me?”
“C’mon.”
“Fine.”
Both of our hands motion with the childish game and of course he wins.
“HAHA! Scissors cut paper. Loser.” He hops a little and grabs the play station controller off the coffee table. “I get to be Zelda.”
And before you I had nowhere to run to; Nothing to hold on to. I came so close to giving it up...
I run all the way to his flat. The rain pours down and it’s weighing me down but I still run. As fast as I possibly can.
When he opens the door I have made a puddle in front of it. My hair hangs soaked in my face and his eyes immediately well with their own wetness because he knows.
It was a long time coming.
“When?” He whispers.
“This morning.”
He pulls me into a crushing hug and he follows me down onto the puddled floor as I sob into his chest.
He comes back home with me the next day to bury my father.
You say goodbye in the pouring rain and I break down as you walk away...
Everyone filters out of the pub, drunk and sad, and I follow him to his car. I grip my umbrella handle so tightly it’s making small holes in my hand. The rain falls around us and he unlocks his door and turns to smile at me.
“So.”
“I’ll call, you know. We’re gonna see each other all the time.”
He nods.
“Just cause the show is over…” I can’t even bring myself to finish my sentence.
“No, right. Of course.” He’s searching my eyes. He’s waiting for me. To say something.
I hug him; Gripping the back of his jacket with my free hand as my umbrella whips around above our heads from the wind and rain. Cars rush by. People scatter around us.
But we’re the only two people on the street. At least in my eyes.
My eyes that are squeezed shut as I hold him against me. Taking in his scent one last time.
I wait for him to tell me he’ll miss me. That he won’t be able to go on without me in his life.
He doesn’t.
And I lose yet another chance to tell him I love him.
As his car pulls away I let go of my umbrella and it fumbles and disappears down the busy street. I let the rain baptize me as I find a new home on the curb for the remainder of the night.
And I wonder if you know how it feels to let you go?
I gently caress the bottom of the frayed shirt I’m wearing. It’s a soft red; tattered and worn. I found it in my laundry not long after he left me sitting on that curb.
He must have somehow left it at my place.
And every night I wear it. Remembering the feeling of the fabric as it touched my arm as he sat always a little closer than he should on the couch next to me those nights. How it felt when I grabbed the back of it to pull him back to me when he walked just a little faster than I did downtown.
The feeling it gives me to be this close to him and not have him.
'Cause all my life I felt this way but I could never find the words to say.
Stay. Stay...
It’s been 8 months. 8 of the longest months in my life. 8 months filled with one night stands and guest spots on TV shows. 8 months of almost dialed phone calls and letters I never sent.
8 months of loving him.
More and more with every passing day.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I lived my life with no regrets.
Now I have a lifetime full.
When my skin begins to crawl and I feel as though I cannot even live inside my own skin anymore, I grab my keys off the table in the foyer and leave the naked French girl asleep in my bed.
So you change your mind and say you’re mine. Don’t leave tonight. Stay...
I bang on his door feverishly. Pounding away as if my life depended on it. The rain continues to pour down over me. It won’t let up. I can’t let go.
He doesn’t look surprised to see me. As if he’d expected this.
“Before you say anything, just let me talk. I know you don’t like doing that. I know you always need to be the first to say something and the last. I know a lot about you actually. I know how you like your tea; not coffee because to you coffee makes no sense and you’d rather be stuck in an elevator with a ginger and a bad violin player before you drank coffee. I also know the kind of music you listen to when you’ve had a bad day. I know that if I come in and you’re listening to Rage against the machine I should tread lightly. But I also know that if The Smiths are blaring from your trailer this could possibly be the best day of your life. I know the kind of smiles you have. How one smile means you’re annoyed. And another is just to be polite. One is sarcastic and one is pure happiness. And I know there is one smile; one special one; you save only for me. I know this because you don’t use it around anyone else but me. I paid very special attention concluding this observation. I know you’re not afraid of spiders but cats freak you out. And you know me too! You know what I like on my pizza and that I DO like coffee and just exactly how I like it. You know the word facetious drives me nuts even though you insist on using it every chance you get. You knew when my father died when I wanted to talk about finally 3 months later. I’m sure there are a million other things but... And you know I love you. You have to. And…isn’t that the whole point in life? To find someone who really knows you? To find that one person who makes everything else in the world not matter as long as they’re with you? Cause that’s who you are to me. You’re that person, Colin. And I know I fucked up. I know it’s probably too late and I should have made this speech to you years ago. Or at least eight sodding months ago in front of that pub. But it’s raining now and it was raining then and I drove 2 hours to get here and…just cut me some slack, okay?”
And now I wait. I wait for his reaction but his face never changed the look he had on it from the second he opened his door.
He could have someone inside. Fuck, he could be married by now, even thought that’s highly unlikely because I know I would have heard if he did.
But I’m shaking. I’ve been wringing my hands the entire time I was revealing my soul to him and now all I can do it wait.
Wait for him to start screaming. Telling me what a sodding jerk off I was for doing this to him in the middle of the night. Or laugh at my declaration of love.
Or slam the door in my face.
But something, anything, would be great right about now.
And as the rain begins to let up after minutes of silence, a slow smile spreads across his lips. He steps down onto the porch and every so slowly and ever so gently wraps his arms around my neck. He presses his forehead to mine and lets out a small sigh.
“What took you so long?”
Author: wedabble
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own> Bradley or Colin. They just own me.
Pairing: Bradley/Colin
Summary: The alcohol numbs nothing tonight. The regret still radiates through every cell of my body. Her naked body lying in my bed upstairs gives me no comfort in the loneliness I feel. In fact it makes me feel even more alone.
A/N: Dedicated to kajmere because she is my muse.
My whole life waiting for the right time to tell you how I feel...
The rain hits the window with a force that could only be brought on by ghosts of the past. Ghosts to remind me. Lead my memories back to times I wish I could bury. Times I wish would seep into the abyss of lost chances. But they don’t. They linger everywhere. In every song. In every touch of a hand that isn’t his.
In every breath I take.
The alcohol numbs nothing tonight. The regret still radiates through every cell of my body. Her naked body lying in my bed upstairs gives me no comfort in the loneliness I feel. In fact it makes me feel even more alone.
Know I try to tell you that I need you; Here I am without you. I feel so lost but what can I do?
I rub my thumb over the screen of my taunting cell phone. My finger hovers over the call button; always good intentions but no follow through.
It’s late; who knows where he is or what he is even doing. It’s been too long.
It hasn’t been long enough for this type of phone call.
I close my phone and lean back against the couch. The house is quiet. I can hear my heart beating. I close my eyes.
“You’re drunk.”
He touches the tip of my nose with his finger and gives me that smile that literally makes planets collide.
“I think not.”
“Yessssssssss youuuuuuuuuu areeeeeeeeeee.” His face is centimeters from mine. I can smell the wine on his breath and the natural scent that filters off him from his skin. He’s so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at him.
I don’t remember how I started kissing him. I just know that I did.
I know the sound of the wine glass shattering against the wall will wake the naked girl upstairs in my bed.
I just don’t care anymore.
'Cause I know this love seems real; But I don’t know how to feel...
“Bradley?”
Her thick French accent makes my skin crawl.
“Everything’s fine. Go back to bed.”
“Are you coming?”
I swallow down vomit. “Soon.”
I hear her bare feet pad back upstairs and my heart rate slows back down to normal.
But nothing is normal. Nothing without him is normal.
Alright. Everything is alright since you came along...
“Rock, paper, scissors.”
“Excuse me?”
“C’mon.”
“Fine.”
Both of our hands motion with the childish game and of course he wins.
“HAHA! Scissors cut paper. Loser.” He hops a little and grabs the play station controller off the coffee table. “I get to be Zelda.”
And before you I had nowhere to run to; Nothing to hold on to. I came so close to giving it up...
I run all the way to his flat. The rain pours down and it’s weighing me down but I still run. As fast as I possibly can.
When he opens the door I have made a puddle in front of it. My hair hangs soaked in my face and his eyes immediately well with their own wetness because he knows.
It was a long time coming.
“When?” He whispers.
“This morning.”
He pulls me into a crushing hug and he follows me down onto the puddled floor as I sob into his chest.
He comes back home with me the next day to bury my father.
You say goodbye in the pouring rain and I break down as you walk away...
Everyone filters out of the pub, drunk and sad, and I follow him to his car. I grip my umbrella handle so tightly it’s making small holes in my hand. The rain falls around us and he unlocks his door and turns to smile at me.
“So.”
“I’ll call, you know. We’re gonna see each other all the time.”
He nods.
“Just cause the show is over…” I can’t even bring myself to finish my sentence.
“No, right. Of course.” He’s searching my eyes. He’s waiting for me. To say something.
I hug him; Gripping the back of his jacket with my free hand as my umbrella whips around above our heads from the wind and rain. Cars rush by. People scatter around us.
But we’re the only two people on the street. At least in my eyes.
My eyes that are squeezed shut as I hold him against me. Taking in his scent one last time.
I wait for him to tell me he’ll miss me. That he won’t be able to go on without me in his life.
He doesn’t.
And I lose yet another chance to tell him I love him.
As his car pulls away I let go of my umbrella and it fumbles and disappears down the busy street. I let the rain baptize me as I find a new home on the curb for the remainder of the night.
And I wonder if you know how it feels to let you go?
I gently caress the bottom of the frayed shirt I’m wearing. It’s a soft red; tattered and worn. I found it in my laundry not long after he left me sitting on that curb.
He must have somehow left it at my place.
And every night I wear it. Remembering the feeling of the fabric as it touched my arm as he sat always a little closer than he should on the couch next to me those nights. How it felt when I grabbed the back of it to pull him back to me when he walked just a little faster than I did downtown.
The feeling it gives me to be this close to him and not have him.
'Cause all my life I felt this way but I could never find the words to say.
Stay. Stay...
It’s been 8 months. 8 of the longest months in my life. 8 months filled with one night stands and guest spots on TV shows. 8 months of almost dialed phone calls and letters I never sent.
8 months of loving him.
More and more with every passing day.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I lived my life with no regrets.
Now I have a lifetime full.
When my skin begins to crawl and I feel as though I cannot even live inside my own skin anymore, I grab my keys off the table in the foyer and leave the naked French girl asleep in my bed.
So you change your mind and say you’re mine. Don’t leave tonight. Stay...
I bang on his door feverishly. Pounding away as if my life depended on it. The rain continues to pour down over me. It won’t let up. I can’t let go.
He doesn’t look surprised to see me. As if he’d expected this.
“Before you say anything, just let me talk. I know you don’t like doing that. I know you always need to be the first to say something and the last. I know a lot about you actually. I know how you like your tea; not coffee because to you coffee makes no sense and you’d rather be stuck in an elevator with a ginger and a bad violin player before you drank coffee. I also know the kind of music you listen to when you’ve had a bad day. I know that if I come in and you’re listening to Rage against the machine I should tread lightly. But I also know that if The Smiths are blaring from your trailer this could possibly be the best day of your life. I know the kind of smiles you have. How one smile means you’re annoyed. And another is just to be polite. One is sarcastic and one is pure happiness. And I know there is one smile; one special one; you save only for me. I know this because you don’t use it around anyone else but me. I paid very special attention concluding this observation. I know you’re not afraid of spiders but cats freak you out. And you know me too! You know what I like on my pizza and that I DO like coffee and just exactly how I like it. You know the word facetious drives me nuts even though you insist on using it every chance you get. You knew when my father died when I wanted to talk about finally 3 months later. I’m sure there are a million other things but... And you know I love you. You have to. And…isn’t that the whole point in life? To find someone who really knows you? To find that one person who makes everything else in the world not matter as long as they’re with you? Cause that’s who you are to me. You’re that person, Colin. And I know I fucked up. I know it’s probably too late and I should have made this speech to you years ago. Or at least eight sodding months ago in front of that pub. But it’s raining now and it was raining then and I drove 2 hours to get here and…just cut me some slack, okay?”
And now I wait. I wait for his reaction but his face never changed the look he had on it from the second he opened his door.
He could have someone inside. Fuck, he could be married by now, even thought that’s highly unlikely because I know I would have heard if he did.
But I’m shaking. I’ve been wringing my hands the entire time I was revealing my soul to him and now all I can do it wait.
Wait for him to start screaming. Telling me what a sodding jerk off I was for doing this to him in the middle of the night. Or laugh at my declaration of love.
Or slam the door in my face.
But something, anything, would be great right about now.
And as the rain begins to let up after minutes of silence, a slow smile spreads across his lips. He steps down onto the porch and every so slowly and ever so gently wraps his arms around my neck. He presses his forehead to mine and lets out a small sigh.
“What took you so long?”