Stuff that keeps me awake
I take a happy pill every day, and after 3months...im not that happy to be honest. Yeah im not riving around in agony or pulling my hair out cause my heads driving me mad, im just sitting here or there, not doing this or that. Which is, fair enough, a improvement. I should be grateful shouldnt i? Except Ive been waiting for a call for 4weeks now to change the medication because im not 'responding' well enough. Which i agree. Stil got crazyfied dreams, and im finding it quite hard to live with myself. Yeah i know, it could be worse, but all these pills have done is put like a lid on me and my feelings so when say i miss a pill or i stop *KABOOM*. So it sits nice and stil inside me and makes an awful mess of my thinking and im not getting anywhere.
So ive decided once again that i'll just get the hell on with my work and just ignore any emotion for the time being. I'll deal with it later - thats what all those white coat people are for. They give me a temporary (more harming solution) il temporarily comply until *kaboom* happens. Then where will i be? Anywhere but square one?! Or maybe a different square one this time. One that doesnt involve my hatred of myself, dan, or my two faced certain friends. Or my past for that matter. I wonder if screaming would help? I doubt it. I think i tried it once and i got a sore throat. When the time is right i'l scream and resolve and function like a normal human being i guess. For now il just get on. Its not very easy i mean dan keeps popping up in my head and other stuff (i have no mirrors insight inside the house now) and with the conclusion i made this morning his depression in/during our relationship was me. I never gave him the space or anything so...but those thoughts make me sad and angry at myself so if i am just going to 'get on' i ultimately have to learn to live with myself (learn to live with yourself before the world can learn to live with you) Which sucks. But what the hell can i do!
(and after 6yrs im sick and tired of the nhs so please dont reply with go see your doctor. I have and will and it makes me feel that much better at being classed a pyscho)
But i do have a sheep of destiny now. Its a pin badge my mum got from a bitsandpieces shop. It says someting on the card like - This sheep is happy because he can see your future and o so happy it shall be - its kinda cool. If it doesnt cheer me up tomorrow then il just stab a certain person with it =]
I know. These thoughts arent normal.