before this gets deleted
yes i am just going back to this account for today...i thought id show u something i just posted on another site that i feel safe to post on wqithout anyone knowing who i am. but id like to share just for that small chance that somebody cares..
"maybe i shud of posted this somewhere else..but its to do with no sleep no eating my cyclothymia [like bipolar ish..not really kindof] alchohol problem abuse and bloody exam results.
normally it takes me 3hours to get out of the house in the morning. just to convince myself to go, which is ok i hardly sleep at all. i would love a good nights sleep but i dont want to eat..i dont wana gain any weight..and i know that can affect it alot..and it makes my moods worse sometimes which makes me eat we makes me feel even worse and meh... But this morning / today im realy down and a lovely little ball of stress. i can hardly breathe. i got so much to do today i just..panicing constantly. At least my drink therapist cancelled AGAIN but it means i dont have to face tht prob today cus my mate wants me to go out and..i cant say no to a drink no more..but i do have to go see my counseller so he can check im still alive. but before that i have to see my ex's [split up..monday] best mate so he can sit their and tell me how much *matt* loves me and wants me back and he'll help me through it and ffs. i split up with him cus i cant hack the pressure so what do they do? pile a **** load more on. hes cut because of me..great..i..and my *best mate* who wants to be with me aswell is like threatening and.. i dont actually know where all this has come from. nobody has ever loved me..ever. so why now..2 people at once. and so wrong timing cus ive been trying to deal with wot my dad did so i can start picking up the pieces. i want to eat and not care about it. id love to sleep in maybe a lil too late for college. in fact id love to have passed my exams. im trying soo hard and they all say im strong and blah blah that il get thru it..i am so buckling its just ive been taught so well to wear this mask i dont kno how to take it off and show it. what happens if i do..just give in? im so scared..
sorry..probs is posted in the wrong place..but ive pushed it til 9am instead of half seven to go get th bus"
and thats not even the half of it..hardly fuck all. and i cant breathe..great. another essential thing to do in life and i fucking suck at it. and im even scared of botb. in fact if i die of a heartattack today that wud be somewhat tragically good. so if u see me around college and ive forgotten to breathe dont tell me and walk by. silly little emo kid says you'll never hate me as much as i hate myself.
FUCK IT